This is my personal story, my story, my confession.

When I was a child, my mother was in a difficult condition and I was treated in a way that would be considered abusive in today's terms. I was not recognized for any of my qualities, but she loved me and I loved her. The only bond between us was death. She was worried about my disability and my inability to live, and asked me if I would die with her when she wanted to die, and said that she would die with me when I was in pain. At the age of 11, I was already comforted only by the image of my mother crying and missing me at her own funeral. And that became the only form of comfort and love I could understand, and perhaps it has not fundamentally changed until now. When I was 30, my mother retracted it. She had already forgotten that she had told me that.

I felt like my faith had collapsed, but that did not change my "receptive circuit of love" that was formed in my childhood. This is probably the root of why I wish for a peaceful death. And I know that this is not understood by most people. I feel that a peaceful death is love. For many years, I have tried to change this by consulting with friends and going to therapy, but in the end, it was nothing more than denying my own way of being, which is the life energy of love. I don't want to force this way of thinking on other people. But I really don't know what to do. For example, how should a person who is suffering because he can only feel sexual arousal towards children live? How should a person who can only feel love by thinking about and trying to achieve death live? These are the fundamental problems I feel. I still can't explain them well.