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The first ketamine treatment done
a week ago
Simply put, it was amazing. For about 20 minutes, I was freed from all "stagnation of my sense of reality." The continuously moving fractals, like an old Windows screensaver, and above all, the "continuous stream of awareness" that Buddha spoke of, occurred in a very deep part of my mind, and I was surprised that the "stagnation and loss of sense of reality" that I usually suffer from was completely absent. Just as the scenery keeps moving when you're on a train, my senses kept moving without stagnation; it was like a pacemaker for the mind. It removed the "burden on the ego caused by a heavy sense of reality." In reality, I have to constantly resist this "heavy sense of reality," constantly searching for focus and becoming exhausted, but there was absolutely no such resistance. To put it another way, it was similar to the feeling of dreaming while maintaining a certain level of consciousness. It made me feel the essential aspect of humanity as an observer and receiver. If every human being possesses such wonderful qualities as an "organic receiver," then I felt that their life should never be easily lost. And then, after 20 minutes, it disappeared like the tide going out. Waking from a dream is always sudden, but with ketamine, I clearly felt the sensation "gradually closing." I remembered the book "Flowers for Algernon," a story about a mentally disabled protagonist who gains a high IQ and a different personality through an experiment, and then reverts back to his original state. After about 40 minutes, all the water I had held in my "well of the mind" had slipped through my fingers, and I was back to normal.
The doctor said that ketamine increases brain plasticity for two days and helps change one's sense of self. but after all, the most important challenge is "what kind of cycle to create in reality."And I myself still haven't figured out what kind of situation makes me feel comfortable. To be honest, I don't know of any state that feels more comfortable than when I'm under the influence of ketamine or when I'm asleep. (I used to enter a similar zone when I attended conventions or created art for people, but those experiences were unreliable and extremely difficult to reproduce because they depended on external triggers, situations, and other people.)
So, my consciousness was once again bound to the prison of reality. I have to make reality better. Otherwise, I will support the Matrix. How comfortable and peaceful is the time spent in the liberation of consciousness brought about by drugs? And I feel it's clearly strange that reality is such a hell.
Ketamine was wonderful, and it was temporary so far. I was worried about what my life would be like if I had to continue using it for the rest of my life, because it felt like I would be no different from a drug addict. I plan to go for two more sessions, but it's so expensive that I understand why some people resort to illegally obtaining the drugs themselves. The next session is scheduled for December. I will keep next report. Thank you all for your support.
The doctor said that ketamine increases brain plasticity for two days and helps change one's sense of self. but after all, the most important challenge is "what kind of cycle to create in reality."And I myself still haven't figured out what kind of situation makes me feel comfortable. To be honest, I don't know of any state that feels more comfortable than when I'm under the influence of ketamine or when I'm asleep. (I used to enter a similar zone when I attended conventions or created art for people, but those experiences were unreliable and extremely difficult to reproduce because they depended on external triggers, situations, and other people.)
So, my consciousness was once again bound to the prison of reality. I have to make reality better. Otherwise, I will support the Matrix. How comfortable and peaceful is the time spent in the liberation of consciousness brought about by drugs? And I feel it's clearly strange that reality is such a hell.
Ketamine was wonderful, and it was temporary so far. I was worried about what my life would be like if I had to continue using it for the rest of my life, because it felt like I would be no different from a drug addict. I plan to go for two more sessions, but it's so expensive that I understand why some people resort to illegally obtaining the drugs themselves. The next session is scheduled for December. I will keep next report. Thank you all for your support.
The best thing about this experience is that you now have a very vivid and recent memory of having felt different. I think it's important to keep this memory as a reference point: "things could be much better, things could be closer to that moment".
I think you could use these two days of extra brain plasticity to meditate, perhaps walking in a park, go to the aquarium, or in some way connect your senses to something different from the familiar, to try to ground this memory even deeper. It would be like planting a seed, and then through time and repeated effort to expand your awareness, you'd be watering that seed.
Last thing to mention, is this:
> Ketamine was wonderful, and it was temporary so far. I was worried about what my life would be like if I had to continue using it for the rest of my life, because it felt like I would be no different from a drug addict.
Myself, I experienced a very mind expanding moment the 2nd time I used Cannabis. It was a very strong dose that broke through my strict ego attachment to being in control; I was so, so high, I couldn't possibly be described as being "in control". I felt like my movements were delayed, my thoughts so vivid and raw, the passage of time dilated like a time machine, and I was somewhat scared of this overwhelming new sensation. To this day I have vivid memories of that moment, and of me trying to cling to my identity and my control, kind of fearing "ego death" (which I don't fear anymore)
Today, I use cannabis sometimes to sleep (if nothing else can help me sleep), and other times to "unchain" myself from stiff thought patterns; it never became a regular drug to use, it's for special occasions. The best thing is that after drugs like these show you how different your mind could be, you now have a blueprint you can replicate. I can reach mental states similar to a low dose of cannabis just by meditating and reflecting, and it is great. That drug let me change my perspective and see myself and the world from a different angle, and now that I know that angle is there, I can go there on my own, without the drug. I believe you can find how to access this space of freedom that ketamine let you experience, by changing your mind. You will have other treatment sessions, and those I think will act as "reminders" of this new direction you found, it will let you see what's chaining you, and thus how to free yourself.
On a different note, we know that we can loosen the self that is confined by "friends" and "community." I myself have lost that place and method, but if there's a scientific effect to it, I'd like to ensure its reproducibility. Romance also has a drug-like effect on people, but I'm skeptical about its reproducibility.
As for friends, community, and romance? The effects can be extremely strong. I have cried of joy only three times that I remember: when someone I deeply loved said "I love you" back for the first time; when I made it to the furry convention where I met said person in person; and when for the first time I felt I belonged somewhere, after years of slowly having fallen into a really deep depression.
Love is wonderful (and also, horrible!)
In the distant past, heartbreak had made me ugly cry, inconsolably, just bawling in fetal position with no solace in sight, for what felt like an eternity but was probably around an hour.
Using your time purposefully during the days after your treatment will be important. Doing new activities during this time could be helpful. Anything that gets you out of your typical routine.
Rooting for you every day Kiki. :) from Vec
I hope it will stay that way 🍀
Takuan Sato's book "The Unfettered Mind" might help. Some of what you say about the circuits of self-observation and the mind watching itself resonated with what I remember from this book.
https://ia601004.us.archive.org/1/i.....tteredMind.pdf
I'm glad to hear that it went well!
i have also had treatments for depression, and from what i understand, you need the brain plasticity to form new habits. do your best to set new routines and an appreciation for life during the two days the doctor said you have. it'll help physically heal the appearance of your brain so you can continue feeling happier even after the ketamine wears off.
it is been a while. Still I hope all the best for your future way! Keep up and go forward.
Best wishes,
schneidried
I do hope this experience is a positive point for you and that it may lead to to something good. I believe in you , and will keep cheering you on !! 🙏🫂
The effect might even be longer than two days.
I did Ayahuasca this summer, maximum dose, and expected deep insights, strong hallucinations or talking to gods. But I got nothing like that. It was a soft, dream-like state that always felt like I could slip out of. All the conscious images and stories slipped away and I connected with the bones, the muscles, the nerves of my body. There was a lot of tension and neglect stored in just the tissues of my body. Since then I kept doing two things that I didn't even know I had neglected - moving this body like it was meant to be, by walking, hiking and climbing through nature.