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I am so lonely...
3 months ago
Taken right from Conquest.
Yes, I am. For the past 2 weeks, and I don't know why I can't explain it, I have felt miserable. Just neutral. But.. you guys already know that, don't you. Yeah everyone gets tired if hearing about it. I know. As I've told many already, and will so again, all I see myself doing anymore every day is just wanting to stare at my wall or TV and shut off my brain. Maybe sleep, maybe eat, maybe talk to people.
I don't roleplay as often anymore. I talk as often anymore. I don't game with people often anymore. I just feel left out. Those who do cone to see me, ask how I am (which I'm grateful), I tell then, then minutes later they go offline or I'm left unread. Telling me "...ok then" but by the time *I* reach out to people I immediately go braindead and lose interest as I go "why am I here?" And leave myself. So yeah I'm still hypocritical. Because I'm losing motivation to keep going.. to keep waking up, knowing it's the same shit daily. To keep spending my time somehow. To keep talking even...
I feel I'm alone because I've noticed a trend lately with my friends. Where they have too much time put into work, or School, or any, or VR, or talking to other people, who I still feel are closer to them than me so.. good for them to have a nice bond. I've been deleting a ton of messages for weeks now too and the reason behind is either not expecting my friends to see it, second guessing myself and thinking what I said or sent is pointless, not to spam my friends notifications, or thinking it won't make me feel better.
I question whether people want me around. The more my mental state declines the more I feel I'm becoming what I feel my family sees me as; a nuisance. Even to my friends. I question.. do they want to see me? If so what will it be about? And why? I'm not good enough. How can people still stand me? A 23 year old, younger than them, who is highly and heavily neurodivergent, every day, about many things. So.. not wanting to know I just keep my distance.
I keep asking for money.. I still don't want art.. I'm reluctant to game with people and say anything.. I can barely have enough motivation to say anything to anyone.. Idk what the hell's going on. *sigh* I am quickly approaching a fucking year of me being stuck in this life... yes, already. August 22nd, last year, is when this all started.
I've only felt worse, nothing is getting better. It's whatever. I just accepted how things are and remain in depression. What's the point in changing any outcome if I know it won't yield any results? I'd just look like an idiot, looking forward to the future, to my days, only for it to get shut down immediately because of some other shit that happens to or around me... and I just go "I knew I should have kept my expectations low" as Kratos said "keep expectations low and you will never be disappointed" or something I don't know. That's how I feel. Daily.
I'm 23... I should know what to do, but I don't. I want to go to the Dentist, a Drivers License still, Job, Mother's probate, eventually still go in our storage unit to clear out our stuff, health insurance for myself... all of this shit has to happen still where I'm barely holding on mentally and want to give up already on it all. I mean my own family makes me feel like shit so is my life truly meaningful to anyone I know if I were to be gone? I feel like the lightning rod of this family, and it sucks... on top of my Grandpa's ass still having CONSTANT APPOINTMENTS like- fucking end already!
Stranger Things 5 releases in 4 months from now.. do you have ANY idea how much this hurts me? I have not been able to binge what I could on Netflix anymore because my Mother used to pay for thr Subscription. With her gone, I lost access to it. And these 2 don't want to bother paying for anything else yet for me. But... Stranger Things was the only show me and her binged together. S1 to S4. Do you have any idea how much it hurts? To know she isn't here with me to finish it off? And know that if I watch it, it'll be alone?.. it sucks. Me and her used to have fun together watching it. I'd tell her answers to questions, she would get startled, I would tell her things.. now I can't do that. No longer... the bigger picture being I won't be able to stuff for myself anymore like I used to...
Some if not most people could say "Zenith you're hurting yourself. You're beating yourself up" to that I say "sure. But it's still nothing compared to what the world has done to me already" I even get jealous still of my own friends. Whether it be from art, VR, a Fursuit, or anything else. Jealous of art because I don't have a damn job still. I have some friends who are able to comm art like on a daily and almost constantly post like- HOW?? It's so- ugh whatever...
That's.. all, I guess. Until I think of something else to add to this journal later on. Uh.. until next time.
Yes, I am. For the past 2 weeks, and I don't know why I can't explain it, I have felt miserable. Just neutral. But.. you guys already know that, don't you. Yeah everyone gets tired if hearing about it. I know. As I've told many already, and will so again, all I see myself doing anymore every day is just wanting to stare at my wall or TV and shut off my brain. Maybe sleep, maybe eat, maybe talk to people.
I don't roleplay as often anymore. I talk as often anymore. I don't game with people often anymore. I just feel left out. Those who do cone to see me, ask how I am (which I'm grateful), I tell then, then minutes later they go offline or I'm left unread. Telling me "...ok then" but by the time *I* reach out to people I immediately go braindead and lose interest as I go "why am I here?" And leave myself. So yeah I'm still hypocritical. Because I'm losing motivation to keep going.. to keep waking up, knowing it's the same shit daily. To keep spending my time somehow. To keep talking even...
I feel I'm alone because I've noticed a trend lately with my friends. Where they have too much time put into work, or School, or any, or VR, or talking to other people, who I still feel are closer to them than me so.. good for them to have a nice bond. I've been deleting a ton of messages for weeks now too and the reason behind is either not expecting my friends to see it, second guessing myself and thinking what I said or sent is pointless, not to spam my friends notifications, or thinking it won't make me feel better.
I question whether people want me around. The more my mental state declines the more I feel I'm becoming what I feel my family sees me as; a nuisance. Even to my friends. I question.. do they want to see me? If so what will it be about? And why? I'm not good enough. How can people still stand me? A 23 year old, younger than them, who is highly and heavily neurodivergent, every day, about many things. So.. not wanting to know I just keep my distance.
I keep asking for money.. I still don't want art.. I'm reluctant to game with people and say anything.. I can barely have enough motivation to say anything to anyone.. Idk what the hell's going on. *sigh* I am quickly approaching a fucking year of me being stuck in this life... yes, already. August 22nd, last year, is when this all started.
I've only felt worse, nothing is getting better. It's whatever. I just accepted how things are and remain in depression. What's the point in changing any outcome if I know it won't yield any results? I'd just look like an idiot, looking forward to the future, to my days, only for it to get shut down immediately because of some other shit that happens to or around me... and I just go "I knew I should have kept my expectations low" as Kratos said "keep expectations low and you will never be disappointed" or something I don't know. That's how I feel. Daily.
I'm 23... I should know what to do, but I don't. I want to go to the Dentist, a Drivers License still, Job, Mother's probate, eventually still go in our storage unit to clear out our stuff, health insurance for myself... all of this shit has to happen still where I'm barely holding on mentally and want to give up already on it all. I mean my own family makes me feel like shit so is my life truly meaningful to anyone I know if I were to be gone? I feel like the lightning rod of this family, and it sucks... on top of my Grandpa's ass still having CONSTANT APPOINTMENTS like- fucking end already!
Stranger Things 5 releases in 4 months from now.. do you have ANY idea how much this hurts me? I have not been able to binge what I could on Netflix anymore because my Mother used to pay for thr Subscription. With her gone, I lost access to it. And these 2 don't want to bother paying for anything else yet for me. But... Stranger Things was the only show me and her binged together. S1 to S4. Do you have any idea how much it hurts? To know she isn't here with me to finish it off? And know that if I watch it, it'll be alone?.. it sucks. Me and her used to have fun together watching it. I'd tell her answers to questions, she would get startled, I would tell her things.. now I can't do that. No longer... the bigger picture being I won't be able to stuff for myself anymore like I used to...
Some if not most people could say "Zenith you're hurting yourself. You're beating yourself up" to that I say "sure. But it's still nothing compared to what the world has done to me already" I even get jealous still of my own friends. Whether it be from art, VR, a Fursuit, or anything else. Jealous of art because I don't have a damn job still. I have some friends who are able to comm art like on a daily and almost constantly post like- HOW?? It's so- ugh whatever...
That's.. all, I guess. Until I think of something else to add to this journal later on. Uh.. until next time.
