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I'm tired...
3 months ago
I'm tired of dumping my problems on people.. I plan calls with friends, if way too often, I reach out to talk, only to feel unsure of what I want to say and go like "well.. that's it" and leave for weeks only to come back again with the same thing. I make these journals, I change my statuses, people say they read them, yet.. I'm left feeling unread if a response is not given. Why would they? I'm a difficult person even Arthraax has trouble predicting what I want to do. "Zenith we still care about you" when I know, fully well, they think and know I can change things about my demeanor or whatever to be more welcoming. What if people never reach out to me on their own terms because I'm problematic when it comes to my neurodivergent mindset and constantly going back and forth on things? I wouldn't blame them.
A conversation with a group of friends yesterday got me more depressed about my future of all the things I want and need to pay for, which will put a huge damper on my relationships along with the realization that I'm going to hate being an adult for the rest of my life. Having to pay for car insurance, gas, health insurance, invest in my Fursuit, buy the car I want, pay off future bills, maybe medication, constantly get groceries just to keep me living, artwork I have always wanted of me and my friends, subscriptions for services I want like Netflix and Game Pass to continue doing what I want for myself or others, Dentist visits, like- fuck me... this conversation yesterday is making me feel worse about my life and makes me contemplate if having friends are.. nothing? Compared to everything else. I need support yes, but not if it means slowly drifting away from everyone I know JUST to make new friends. I'm getting a new PC, an actual gaming PC, too in the mail today. My Grandpa spent $700 on it and I was like "I appreciate you doing this" his response? "You fucking better" which was followed by a chuckle so.. was he serious or not?! Was it a joke?! I don't know, because that's how he is; convincingly misleading. That made me feel worse, again, because it's not what he expected to happen and with the whole "oh gee if only you had your own job you could buy it yourself" do not tell me I'm thinking too much about this. He's done it before. He could again. So.. yay. New PC, but it's just another damn reflection on me not having my own fucking job.
2 weeks from now is following a year that the crash has happened and in all honesty... I've been slowly declining in my mental state. Yeah yeah I've already said this before. I repeat myself..
I just... want to sleep, but I can't. I have chores to do, people to talk to, helping around the house. I do not have time for myself anymore. Not even enough to reflect on my life and sit, staring at my wall, for 30 minutes without remembering something else that needs done or I'm pulled away.
I.. I want to be done... I'm becoming exhausted making these journals even. I'm not going to post this in my server either. I don't care.
You're probably tired of seeing these journals too huh?
A conversation with a group of friends yesterday got me more depressed about my future of all the things I want and need to pay for, which will put a huge damper on my relationships along with the realization that I'm going to hate being an adult for the rest of my life. Having to pay for car insurance, gas, health insurance, invest in my Fursuit, buy the car I want, pay off future bills, maybe medication, constantly get groceries just to keep me living, artwork I have always wanted of me and my friends, subscriptions for services I want like Netflix and Game Pass to continue doing what I want for myself or others, Dentist visits, like- fuck me... this conversation yesterday is making me feel worse about my life and makes me contemplate if having friends are.. nothing? Compared to everything else. I need support yes, but not if it means slowly drifting away from everyone I know JUST to make new friends. I'm getting a new PC, an actual gaming PC, too in the mail today. My Grandpa spent $700 on it and I was like "I appreciate you doing this" his response? "You fucking better" which was followed by a chuckle so.. was he serious or not?! Was it a joke?! I don't know, because that's how he is; convincingly misleading. That made me feel worse, again, because it's not what he expected to happen and with the whole "oh gee if only you had your own job you could buy it yourself" do not tell me I'm thinking too much about this. He's done it before. He could again. So.. yay. New PC, but it's just another damn reflection on me not having my own fucking job.
2 weeks from now is following a year that the crash has happened and in all honesty... I've been slowly declining in my mental state. Yeah yeah I've already said this before. I repeat myself..
I just... want to sleep, but I can't. I have chores to do, people to talk to, helping around the house. I do not have time for myself anymore. Not even enough to reflect on my life and sit, staring at my wall, for 30 minutes without remembering something else that needs done or I'm pulled away.
I.. I want to be done... I'm becoming exhausted making these journals even. I'm not going to post this in my server either. I don't care.
You're probably tired of seeing these journals too huh?
