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Anxiety is the Worst
a month ago
Two of the biggest anxieties I have are dealing with both Social and Writing Anxiety.
But the two are connected. A major fear of not being perfect.
The way I would describe how I feel at the moment I'm writing this journal is that I feel like an AI computer. With all the feelings of wanting, needing, envy, and desire. But there is no true way to get what I want due to logic cycles in my brain playing a thousand scenarios over and over again about how each potential action will lead to damage in the long term. Every little thing has to be analyzed for potential errors, and when none are found, they are made up from nothing to support the idea that everything fails. That failure equals pain. My pain tolerance is very low.
I don't write as much as I want because of the fear of them not being the most perfect thing. Large projects go dark for months and even years with little edits, small insignificant changes, all based on whether something is "Good" or not. There's always a little shoulder devil telling me that everything I do will never be perfect and that doing anything isn't worth it. If it isn't perfect, many people will be mad at me. Logically, none of this makes sense, and the reasons for my anxiety aren't rational, but it has a powerful pull. The gravity of this anxiety is stronger than my will to challenge it.
I value my independence and my ability to do as I please. Another fear is losing independence. I never want to be famous, being well known or popular has its own share of responsibilities that I don't think I could bear. I like being in smaller communities, since bigger ones tend to bring in immature people. Types of people I have a hard time dealing with. I also have a history of joining small groups and feeling like an outcast.
Even the thought of doing nothing gives me anxiety. With hypothetical scenarios being created showing that my trying to prevent failure by doing nothing will naturally expose me to long-term failure.
Standing up to anxiety is an arduous battle, like a long battle against a balrog. You can't ignore it because it'll claw its way back into your brain each time you try to push it out. Try to actively fight it is much the same except its ferocity is more intense, it roars its way across the body, weakening its foundations, while playing mind games.
Anxiety is a cheater; it will use every dirty trick in the book to put you down. It's not fair, it's not nice, it's a sore loser and a sore winner. It's the crabs pulling you back down into the bottom of the bucket.
But the two are connected. A major fear of not being perfect.
The way I would describe how I feel at the moment I'm writing this journal is that I feel like an AI computer. With all the feelings of wanting, needing, envy, and desire. But there is no true way to get what I want due to logic cycles in my brain playing a thousand scenarios over and over again about how each potential action will lead to damage in the long term. Every little thing has to be analyzed for potential errors, and when none are found, they are made up from nothing to support the idea that everything fails. That failure equals pain. My pain tolerance is very low.
I don't write as much as I want because of the fear of them not being the most perfect thing. Large projects go dark for months and even years with little edits, small insignificant changes, all based on whether something is "Good" or not. There's always a little shoulder devil telling me that everything I do will never be perfect and that doing anything isn't worth it. If it isn't perfect, many people will be mad at me. Logically, none of this makes sense, and the reasons for my anxiety aren't rational, but it has a powerful pull. The gravity of this anxiety is stronger than my will to challenge it.
I value my independence and my ability to do as I please. Another fear is losing independence. I never want to be famous, being well known or popular has its own share of responsibilities that I don't think I could bear. I like being in smaller communities, since bigger ones tend to bring in immature people. Types of people I have a hard time dealing with. I also have a history of joining small groups and feeling like an outcast.
Even the thought of doing nothing gives me anxiety. With hypothetical scenarios being created showing that my trying to prevent failure by doing nothing will naturally expose me to long-term failure.
Standing up to anxiety is an arduous battle, like a long battle against a balrog. You can't ignore it because it'll claw its way back into your brain each time you try to push it out. Try to actively fight it is much the same except its ferocity is more intense, it roars its way across the body, weakening its foundations, while playing mind games.
Anxiety is a cheater; it will use every dirty trick in the book to put you down. It's not fair, it's not nice, it's a sore loser and a sore winner. It's the crabs pulling you back down into the bottom of the bucket.
Thanks!