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TRIGGER WARNING!!! SA DISCUSSION!!!
a week ago
You're actually going to read this? I admire you
I struggled for a while to talk about this publicly. It's humiliating and embarrassing, but I think if I'm going to move on from it, I need to get it out there.
In my last journal, I talked about how I discussed my relationship with my ex-boyfriend with my therapist. Much of it was very eye opening and emotionally devastating. But none so much than this one repressed memory that resurfaced, that I am now going to discuss.
This is your last chance to stop reading if you cannot handle tales of sexual assault.
This happened back in February of 2020, pre-pandemic. I had come to visit him for Valentines Day right before I was about to move to Texas for my new job (which didn't happen cause of the pandemic, but I digress). We had planned to see the first Sonic the Hedgehog movie which was in theaters at the time. One night I was there, I fell asleep in his bed. I was awoken the next morning feeling something against my back. My first thought was one of his dogs had climbed into bed with us. I moved my arm around trying to find the dog, but there was no dog. As I became more awake, I could feel that it wasn't my back, it was my butt. Specifically, inside my butt. Moving back and forth.
I pulled away and turned around, and saw him lying right behind me. He smiled and said "Good morning"
I just ran into the bathroom and had a panic attack for the next 5 minutes after I realized what happened. After I calmed down, I came back out and tried to pretend everything was fine. He asked me several times if it was ok that he did that, to which I said yes. I did this because it was very easy to get him in a bad mood. He's not violent, but he becomes very mopey and detached, and I was worried he would become this way for the remainder of my trip. So I pretended it was ok. And I kept pretending it was ok for five years.
But it's not ok. I'm not ok.
I've only talked about this with a few other people. One of them suggested I take legal action against him. I don't see this panning out for a few reasons. First, this was five years ago. And that's about what the statute if limitations is on rape. Second, this took place in Indiana, which is a very conservative state, so I don't think there's a judge in the state that would take me seriously. Third, I don't ever want to see him again. I've gone to the effort of blocking him everywhere I could think off. And if he does try to contact me, that's when I'd start going for legal action.
This isn't even the tip of the iceberg of his behavior. I could rant for hours about how he treated me. This is just the cherry on top of the sundae that was our relationship.
I'm sorry everyone. I'm sorry I kept quiet for so long. I'm sorry I kept my blinders on for so long.
I'm sorry.
In my last journal, I talked about how I discussed my relationship with my ex-boyfriend with my therapist. Much of it was very eye opening and emotionally devastating. But none so much than this one repressed memory that resurfaced, that I am now going to discuss.
This is your last chance to stop reading if you cannot handle tales of sexual assault.
This happened back in February of 2020, pre-pandemic. I had come to visit him for Valentines Day right before I was about to move to Texas for my new job (which didn't happen cause of the pandemic, but I digress). We had planned to see the first Sonic the Hedgehog movie which was in theaters at the time. One night I was there, I fell asleep in his bed. I was awoken the next morning feeling something against my back. My first thought was one of his dogs had climbed into bed with us. I moved my arm around trying to find the dog, but there was no dog. As I became more awake, I could feel that it wasn't my back, it was my butt. Specifically, inside my butt. Moving back and forth.
I pulled away and turned around, and saw him lying right behind me. He smiled and said "Good morning"
I just ran into the bathroom and had a panic attack for the next 5 minutes after I realized what happened. After I calmed down, I came back out and tried to pretend everything was fine. He asked me several times if it was ok that he did that, to which I said yes. I did this because it was very easy to get him in a bad mood. He's not violent, but he becomes very mopey and detached, and I was worried he would become this way for the remainder of my trip. So I pretended it was ok. And I kept pretending it was ok for five years.
But it's not ok. I'm not ok.
I've only talked about this with a few other people. One of them suggested I take legal action against him. I don't see this panning out for a few reasons. First, this was five years ago. And that's about what the statute if limitations is on rape. Second, this took place in Indiana, which is a very conservative state, so I don't think there's a judge in the state that would take me seriously. Third, I don't ever want to see him again. I've gone to the effort of blocking him everywhere I could think off. And if he does try to contact me, that's when I'd start going for legal action.
This isn't even the tip of the iceberg of his behavior. I could rant for hours about how he treated me. This is just the cherry on top of the sundae that was our relationship.
I'm sorry everyone. I'm sorry I kept quiet for so long. I'm sorry I kept my blinders on for so long.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry this happened to you, it's completely fucked up. Take all the time you need to process it, and if you ever find yourself too stuck in your own head about it... just know it's okay to stop, take a breath, and ground yourself.
You're away from them. You can allow yourself all the room to breathe that you need.
We talked a couple times ages ago, but, I'm up for opening my door if you just want someone to talk to. And I'd stick around as long as you'd want me to.
I know we're essentially strangers, and I've never experienced what you went through (and I will never claim to know what it feels like), but, I hate seeing people hurt.
You're free to send me a note, or we can exchange Discords or something. Whatever you're comfortable with, but, only if you really want to. No pressure, and I won't force anything onto you.