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Creeping Crazy and Bayonetta (Venting)
16 years ago
Bitching about mental illness ahead. I also talk about a new video game further down, so reading one or both is your call.
When I first contracted the Crazy that is paranoid schizophrenia- I was about twelve- my forays into it were paranoid delusions ("Fuck you Mom, I'm a robot and you're hiding it from me, everyone is!") and episodic hallucinations ("Why am I in this ditch? The last thing I remember was running across Skull Lake to get away from the indescribable ungeometric horror."). These could be completely unprovoked, or 'triggered' by certain things- for example, only today have I been able to again play the game Final Fantasy VII, because certain riffs in the music caused me to descend into darkly violent misanthropy for no explainable reason. Multiply this trigger list by half of what I experienced as a teenager, and you've got a small portrait of what I've had to overcome.
Now, over the years, these episodes have died down severely in severity, length and frequency. This was a source of unimaginable relief to me- sure, eventually I'll be a sputtering mess, but getting a reprieve like this is a second lease on life! I can smell coconut shampoo without feeling like I'm trapped in a murder maze, look at my old children's books without seeing looming peripheral specters, walk through the dark without becoming gripped with panic... hell, I'm even playing through good old Final Fantasy VII again, and the only misanthropy I feel is at whoever thought it was a good idea to make all the world-traveling sprites look like bobblehead dolls!
And then the sensory hallucinations started coming, and shit all over my fun by annoying me and worrying me uselessly. I started smelling gasoline for days at a time, feeling the sensation of phantom fingers rubbing against my ribs, tasting marshmallow cream cookies- which sounds okay, except those make me nauseous. So instead of clearly doing shit that makes me know I'm hallucinating after the fact (as a reminder, the whole point is that I can't tell during or it wouldn't bother me half as much), it's fucking with me in ways that just aggrivate me and make me worry that other, worse shit might be coming. Of course, it's useless to worry about such a thing, but tell that to the old fight-or-flight, eh? Ah, well. Such is life, I guess.
-Bayonetta-
-is awesome. I took a look at the screenshots of this game and said, "Wow, this looks ridiculously retarded." Now I'm thankful that I listened to the reviews and my boyfriend, and actually bothered to rent the game. It's what Devil May Cry wanted to grow up to be. It's the kind of make-you-feel-badass-for-having-skills that God Hand cultivated so well. It's the kind of schlock that you can't help but laugh at. I recommend it- just don't take it seriously. :)
When I first contracted the Crazy that is paranoid schizophrenia- I was about twelve- my forays into it were paranoid delusions ("Fuck you Mom, I'm a robot and you're hiding it from me, everyone is!") and episodic hallucinations ("Why am I in this ditch? The last thing I remember was running across Skull Lake to get away from the indescribable ungeometric horror."). These could be completely unprovoked, or 'triggered' by certain things- for example, only today have I been able to again play the game Final Fantasy VII, because certain riffs in the music caused me to descend into darkly violent misanthropy for no explainable reason. Multiply this trigger list by half of what I experienced as a teenager, and you've got a small portrait of what I've had to overcome.
Now, over the years, these episodes have died down severely in severity, length and frequency. This was a source of unimaginable relief to me- sure, eventually I'll be a sputtering mess, but getting a reprieve like this is a second lease on life! I can smell coconut shampoo without feeling like I'm trapped in a murder maze, look at my old children's books without seeing looming peripheral specters, walk through the dark without becoming gripped with panic... hell, I'm even playing through good old Final Fantasy VII again, and the only misanthropy I feel is at whoever thought it was a good idea to make all the world-traveling sprites look like bobblehead dolls!
And then the sensory hallucinations started coming, and shit all over my fun by annoying me and worrying me uselessly. I started smelling gasoline for days at a time, feeling the sensation of phantom fingers rubbing against my ribs, tasting marshmallow cream cookies- which sounds okay, except those make me nauseous. So instead of clearly doing shit that makes me know I'm hallucinating after the fact (as a reminder, the whole point is that I can't tell during or it wouldn't bother me half as much), it's fucking with me in ways that just aggrivate me and make me worry that other, worse shit might be coming. Of course, it's useless to worry about such a thing, but tell that to the old fight-or-flight, eh? Ah, well. Such is life, I guess.
-Bayonetta-
-is awesome. I took a look at the screenshots of this game and said, "Wow, this looks ridiculously retarded." Now I'm thankful that I listened to the reviews and my boyfriend, and actually bothered to rent the game. It's what Devil May Cry wanted to grow up to be. It's the kind of make-you-feel-badass-for-having-skills that God Hand cultivated so well. It's the kind of schlock that you can't help but laugh at. I recommend it- just don't take it seriously. :)
Also: is it totally retarded to waste a special attempting to use the Ball Breaker on female villains? :3
The human mind is a wonderfully adaptive, and terrifyingly deceptive thing.
Kinda like migraines.
It can be food, smells, sounds, weather, stress, viral illness, infection, and often changing.
Some people find it helpful to keep a "Migraine Log" where they wright down what they did that day. (Meal time is a good time to update the log) then after an attack they look over the log and mark potential triggers. Over time a collection of more regular triggers start to show up. Things that are more likely than others to trigger an attack. Or a combination of small things that add up to an attack.
It might be helpful to try the same thing with your mental illness.
But yes, I do think that the way all these brain ailments are set off is linked somehow.
Professional help is only there to take my money- Psychiatry has no cure or prevention for schizophrenia, as they aren't even really sure what the dick it is. As far as I know, it's simply been a case of waiting for my chemistry to change- it's really fucked when you're a teenager, after all.
Grim, when that's the best option medicine has to offer you. I'm glad you're enduring thus far. May your mind long stand together.
I just hope they might be able to find a way to help you cope a bit easier with it, perhaps find ways for you to mentally gain control over it.
And there's never a need to worry. You've got friends and loved ones to help keep you in check =3
Also I would get Bayonetta if I didn't make a pledge not to get any games till Pokemon HG/SS comes in march
Bayonnetta was amazing, so much killing and special moves X3
Would get a a head scan to be should *nod*
Im sure you'll still be kicking ass continously <3
Lotsaluv
Christy
Put me in a tank, plane, or ship though? I'll rock that bitch on Expert, Ace, or Very Hard....which is how my first PS3 died, unfortunately.
It's this kind of stuff that really ticks me off, but thankfully it doesn't happen too often. I am glad to hear you're getting over it, amigo. Just hang in there and keep staying close to your mate. He'll get you through what you cannot.
Also, Bayonetta looks fun as heck. I played the demo and immediately realized that the bad guys were kicking my ass because I was going into it button-mashing. Took my time on the second playthrough and thoroughly enjoyed all the little nuances. Definitely a good rent, though my next buy is likely Dante's Inferno.
The demo on it is...breathtaking.
I don't know why I do it to myself. I like zombie fiction, but -every single time- I find myself relapsing to dreadful visions at night of zombies roaming the halls. It goes on for like a week afterwards.
Hahah, nooo, no you aren't, kiddo. Go back to your Harry Potter books and be thankful you're cognitive.
...another person talking about Bayonetta? Is it really that awesome? I've gotta be the only person on this planet who has little interest in this game, yet seeing everyone talking about it make me think I should probably change my mind.
Yeah, Bayonetta's a great game. You still might not like it, but it's a very well made thing that's more likely than any other similar title to engage you.
And I guess the main reason Bayonetta doesn't appeal to me all that much is because I was never really into the Devil May Cry series. But with all I've been hearing about this game, I guess I should go out and rent it.
I know that sounds awful but my uncle takes meds for his paranoid schizophrenia and he's basically a zombie when he's on them. Of course he's pretty weird when he's off them so it may just be that...
...Get some friends to tell you what you're like on the meds, in any case. You probably wouldn't notice either way.
Too bad it's indescribable.
I can't even begin to fathom the bizarre delusions she had, and yet, if you tried to point out that any of it was theoretically impossible, she would just act like you weren't there. It's a shitty feeling to know you can't help a person, even when you really want to.
On the note of video games having adverse mental effects, I can no longer play Wolfenstein online, due to the fact that I develop a sudden, frothing-at-the-mouth rage when I come across a group of players on the German side. I remember shouting "KRAUTS!" continuously until all of them were dead.
Good thing I didn't have a mic back then.
As for Bayonetta, I saw my buddy playing the demo, and you're right, it's basically one step beyond Devil May Cry in crazy overthetopness, with a much larger percentage of screen time given to women with clothing that shrinks during combat.
wow on the psycological events. I can't say i know how you feel.
I just hope they calm down for you.
So you there's a chance that you can't tell whether or not I'm just a maniacal figment of your own twisted imagination?
Cool!!
Personally, I loved FFVII.
It's way too easy, the sprite characters are migraine inducing, and a person's combative capabilities should NOT be indicated by his hair.
But damn it, I still cry when I think of Aeris.
I'm a die-hard devil may cry fan, and I've been pretty apprehensive about bayonetta.
But I'll look into giving it a whirl sometime.
Also, I'd recommend that you start taking some advanced math classes. Calculus, trigonometry, geometry.
You know, the heavy stuff.
If math ain't your shtick, then I'd recommend ancient poetry, philosophy, and the like. Try reading Shakespeare (or madlibbing it--lots of fun) or writing a haiku to explain the purpose of those little plastic dealies on the end of your shoestrings ( I hear that they are called aglets).
The more simple, but complicated riddles you can create/solve, the better.
Boredom is a killer, and to be perfectly frank; you're a smart cookie.
The more insightful a person is, the more on edge boredom can make them. Add that to your own neuroses and you can get a nasty combination.
I wish you luck, and I highly recommended that you challenge yourself as much as you can.
Myself, I don't know what the hell I have. Goblins, maybe. My own brain disobeys me and sabotages me constantly. I can't trust it to do simple things like remembering daily tasks. I spent a month trying any way I could think of to remember what day a weekly television show was on. I'll remember doing something, then find out I didn't. Any inanimate object i interact with might suddenly fail in the stupidest way possible. And all the time, it feels like I've hot this hideously sadistic invisible prankster perched on my back, just waiting for me to start cleaning up one of its messes so it can cause a new one. Sometimes i swear it deliberately manipulates my hands. Sometimes I feel like someone's tied a wet washcloth as tight as possible around my forehead. I can't trust my own brain. To the point where sometimes all I want to do is sleep, because it's the only thing I can't fail at. It's fair to say I'm under stress a lot.
If nothing else, I hope it helps to know that someone else knows what your fear and your struggle feels like. Just because our brains are broken doesn't mean we're crazy. The us that's inside, fighting to keep things working the way they should. It's scary as hell to think we have to keep up this fight for as long as we live. But at least I know someone else understands. Even if our symptoms aren't the same, I felt incredible connection with what you wrote. We may never be cured, but I am sure things will get better. Slowly but steadily.
As for myself and my own issues it's mostly the OCD, some sort of stress disorder (I barely made it through highschool in five years. Even the small stress of homework was too much for me. I regularly missed school because I'd feel stressed enough to start vomiting. Through all of highschool I missed roughly two days of every week), and my bipolar (Which I'm glad to be on meds for. Those manic and depressive phases are a bitch). Between the whole stress thing and my OCD I'm pretty much incapable of just about any actual job, which is why I'm on social security. Basically, any job I can think of I can't imagine myself capable of dealing with due either to stress or the job requiring me to touch any of the multitudes of things I can't touch or can't touch without immediately washing my hands.
I always wish I could think of something more meaningful to say than this, but I can't imagine what it must be like... I've had some struggles with my own brain, but it's all incredibly mild compared to the stuff you're describing, and that people are talking about in the thread. I'm sorry to hear you've got this burden, but if nothing else I'm glad to see you're getting through it all.
I gave the Bayonetta demo a whirl, but this was the first time I'd ever played one of these games (God of War, Devil May Cry, etc), so I was basically just jamming the attack button. :P The whole scene is such a (beautiful) chaotic mess, how does anyone choose which move to do? (I guess the real game would ease you into it more than the demo does...)
Hey, don't worry about it, I appreciate the sentiment.
Bayonetta... it throws you right into everything, but it does so while educating you. So it's kind of like a crash course with big, obvious instructions.
Also, Bayonetta looks interesting yeah. I might get it if I see it cheap, 'cause it's not really my kind of thing, but it looks interesting.