5 more weeks of this program. Been working myself too hard some say. Not noticing little injuries until my break. Exhausting myself. Fuelling it with anger, sadness, irritation. I get the job done fast and perfectly but sit down shortly after panting and sweating. Two people so far have been kicked off the program for violence, one for stealing, three more okay people have left as well as their time had ended. I will be the last.

So much is going on in my mind these days. Worry. Sadness. Future. Past. Mingled into a single mass of chaotic thoughts. I can't ignore some things. Can't forget things that have been done. Neither can I let go on some things... It's... all just there and I can't toss it all to one side and move on.

I've had friends round. Cuddles. Play. Though so much of the joy is still missing. My rutting season during the summer is out in full but nothing will help it fully. Maybe I was meant for someone now.... or just broken. It's just.... *Sighs.* ... breaking me slowly apart. I will be fine eventually. Maybe after this program thing. Been carving wood now. Growing plants. Constructive things.