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Another year soon passes for me. (Bit of a life vent)
4 years ago
The cybergoth-fox lifts up his left arm and begins typing on his holo-keyboard...
So at the end of this month I shall be 33. xD Odd number but hey ho.
With everything that has happened over the past year and a bit I have had some time to think. Some good things and some bad. Realising what memories have stuck with me, molding my personality.
Yes my life hasn't been as troublesome or eventful as others it has no less changed me over the many years. Even some memories from when I was very very young have stuck(though probably 'cus they were not so good...)
I remember my parents breakup and subsequent remarraige my mother had. My biological father telling 10 year old me that he never wanted to see me again. My memories of his father and his police car, still stayed. I fought against my mother to keep my name(as I had been named originally after my grandfather who I loved a lot) when she remarried another person. I didn't want to lose the last real part of grandfather. Eventually giving in as the name just reminded her of my biological father. I remember crying a lot when he died, but I was rather young. School was all fine, the usual nonsense. Head of Student council battling against the head master in an all boy roman catholic school(While keeping hidden my relationship with another boy in another school.) Had two rivals, musical and swimming. My flute vs some other guys violin for certain solo limelight that both instruments can play... Then two of my best friends died in a car crash during sixth form. They had just gotten their first car and passed their tests.. typical really. That hurt a lot. Stopped me wanting to learn to drive for years...
After that I was with another long old best friend. Getting drunk, smoking weed the usual college-uni crap. One day during one of said nights I got a call. my mother telling me my other bio grandfather had died. I was floored. He was fine when I saw him a few days prior, reminiscing about his old job maintaining all the old and decaying radio and sound tech the local hospital radio used. At first I refused to believe it. It couldn't happen, not to him. But it was true. I left my friends place instantly, grabbed a taxi and braved the saturday evening traffic. Had to be there, I was the older brother afterall. I guess I was in shock for days after as I did not cry or anything till two weeks after. It had struck me that I had no more biological grandfathers. And though the widows carried on. One even managing to find love again, I can still see it in their eyes. I felt more like a link to the past and the future. Holding a bleeding wound wide open.
Even when my mother remarried we stayed on good terms with my fathers side of the family, they had taken my mums side and almost fully ousted him from their lives. Ended up meeting him many years on while visiting that side of the family. Was pointed is house while walking. Course I HAD to knock on the door. I still had that rage from his goodbye and the mess he'd left. He didnt know who I was when I broke his nose without a word and left. Was the best feeling I had ever felt walking away from HIM. (Got a lovely worded email from his mother about that after).
I've been in and out of work of so many kinds I honestly dont know if anything will ever click, this notion of this mythical "Forever job" is lost on me. But I have survived well enough. Many new experiences, new people. Had many partners over the years, break ups of god knows how many ways. Some very painful and some just gentle or confusing. I think I have found the one at last though (Touch wood anyway). I still keep tabs on old old friends from school, old social circles and the like. (Bit bad at keeping in contact with them on a regular basis, but if you are reading this remember I still care about you lot. Even if I go weeks or more without a word)
Life has become stable and am still working on more self improvements, painting over the scars and such. This lockdown has been rough on my mind bit I'll live. Cant be as bad as the rest of my past. In the end the old memories and losses I have had have shaped me more than I cared to think about. Why I am so darned calm even when everything wrong does, why I dont panic and just get to fixing things, why I care so much about people, friends or random people alike. Those I count as my friends I do anything for. Walk across town at the dead of night after one worrying text. Accept them into my home no matter the time, state or situation just to give the company they need. I guess I grew up realising that I had better take care of my friends or I would lose them, sometimes painfully.
After almost 33 years I guess I had time to think, Sorry if this exploded haha. Just stay awesome and take care of one another, let life handle the rest.
With everything that has happened over the past year and a bit I have had some time to think. Some good things and some bad. Realising what memories have stuck with me, molding my personality.
Yes my life hasn't been as troublesome or eventful as others it has no less changed me over the many years. Even some memories from when I was very very young have stuck(though probably 'cus they were not so good...)
I remember my parents breakup and subsequent remarraige my mother had. My biological father telling 10 year old me that he never wanted to see me again. My memories of his father and his police car, still stayed. I fought against my mother to keep my name(as I had been named originally after my grandfather who I loved a lot) when she remarried another person. I didn't want to lose the last real part of grandfather. Eventually giving in as the name just reminded her of my biological father. I remember crying a lot when he died, but I was rather young. School was all fine, the usual nonsense. Head of Student council battling against the head master in an all boy roman catholic school(While keeping hidden my relationship with another boy in another school.) Had two rivals, musical and swimming. My flute vs some other guys violin for certain solo limelight that both instruments can play... Then two of my best friends died in a car crash during sixth form. They had just gotten their first car and passed their tests.. typical really. That hurt a lot. Stopped me wanting to learn to drive for years...
After that I was with another long old best friend. Getting drunk, smoking weed the usual college-uni crap. One day during one of said nights I got a call. my mother telling me my other bio grandfather had died. I was floored. He was fine when I saw him a few days prior, reminiscing about his old job maintaining all the old and decaying radio and sound tech the local hospital radio used. At first I refused to believe it. It couldn't happen, not to him. But it was true. I left my friends place instantly, grabbed a taxi and braved the saturday evening traffic. Had to be there, I was the older brother afterall. I guess I was in shock for days after as I did not cry or anything till two weeks after. It had struck me that I had no more biological grandfathers. And though the widows carried on. One even managing to find love again, I can still see it in their eyes. I felt more like a link to the past and the future. Holding a bleeding wound wide open.
Even when my mother remarried we stayed on good terms with my fathers side of the family, they had taken my mums side and almost fully ousted him from their lives. Ended up meeting him many years on while visiting that side of the family. Was pointed is house while walking. Course I HAD to knock on the door. I still had that rage from his goodbye and the mess he'd left. He didnt know who I was when I broke his nose without a word and left. Was the best feeling I had ever felt walking away from HIM. (Got a lovely worded email from his mother about that after).
I've been in and out of work of so many kinds I honestly dont know if anything will ever click, this notion of this mythical "Forever job" is lost on me. But I have survived well enough. Many new experiences, new people. Had many partners over the years, break ups of god knows how many ways. Some very painful and some just gentle or confusing. I think I have found the one at last though (Touch wood anyway). I still keep tabs on old old friends from school, old social circles and the like. (Bit bad at keeping in contact with them on a regular basis, but if you are reading this remember I still care about you lot. Even if I go weeks or more without a word)
Life has become stable and am still working on more self improvements, painting over the scars and such. This lockdown has been rough on my mind bit I'll live. Cant be as bad as the rest of my past. In the end the old memories and losses I have had have shaped me more than I cared to think about. Why I am so darned calm even when everything wrong does, why I dont panic and just get to fixing things, why I care so much about people, friends or random people alike. Those I count as my friends I do anything for. Walk across town at the dead of night after one worrying text. Accept them into my home no matter the time, state or situation just to give the company they need. I guess I grew up realising that I had better take care of my friends or I would lose them, sometimes painfully.
After almost 33 years I guess I had time to think, Sorry if this exploded haha. Just stay awesome and take care of one another, let life handle the rest.
Neakal
~neakal
That was quite a read. I wish I had something helpful to say, but most I can think of atm is Happy Birthday. Hope yo have a good one.
