fuck that! your art is amazing... really i love it to death. however i know how you're feeling believe it or not, hell i posted a journal like this one not two days ago and am still unsure about so many things. All i can promise you is you're not alone and there are people at least here you can ask for help

I'm probably not going to be much help considering I'm much younger than you and have never gone through something like this. But there's got to be something you like about yourself. You've inspired alot of people with your art, that by it self is something to be proud of. Good things happen to good people. And I believe that one day your life will take a turn for the better. I honestly hope i helped somehow.

I feel so helpless, since honestly I don't know you well at all, and there's not much I can do.

As far as I've seen you're uncannily similar to me, and I can sympathize with a lot of how you're feeling. It's the worst most god awful feeling in the world, that much I do know.
Strangers wishing you well over the internet is, well, probably not going to do you much at all. But I just want to let you know that I'm keeping you in my thoughts, and I pray, no, I know you'll find the strength to overcome this.
If I didn't tell you that I have faith in you, I'd feel like a complete douche really x3

well at least thats one person who thinks I can do something other than sit around and waste space...

Just remember, I don't have you listed as my favorite artist because you sit around and waste space, no ma'am c:
And I promise, it's not just your art I admire about you. Otherwise I'd be no better than those twelve year old Youtube art thieves you seem to attract x3

If it was easy it wouldn't be worth doing. The art industry is one of the most complex and toughest battlefields in existence where no matter what you do and what you stand for people love you, people hate you, and people leech off of you. In the middle of all the strife, all the practice, all the judgement and all the effort the biggest enemy we have to face over and over again is ourselves.

Even some of the worst people can have the entire world hate them and yet they never loose one wink of sleep over it since they are too busy loving themselves. It just goes to show that learning to love yourself is the start to a powerful and potential process.

We have the information and I'm sure none of this is anything new to most people but I manage to keep it in the back of my mind in some dark space for when things get especially rough for me.

Honestly its not that nobody is here its just that we're all stumbling around in the dark looking for the same light switch.

I wrote a couple paragraphs about my own self-loathing. I wrote about how lonely I am, about how much I wish my art meant something to more than 30 people. I wrote about how my three year (give or take) online relationship is pretty well over and I don't know if I should let go. About how average I am. And that I try but can't make anything extraordinary.


And then I decided no one would give a shit and that I'd just let you know that it sucks, I'm sorry, and that if you were here or I was there or somewhere inbetween I'd go drinking with you, them or the other guy. Just to blow some steam. Or maybe just eat some pizza because in most countries I can't go drinking legally yet.

I feel that way sometimes.....
But...
I also...almost neurotically tell myself not to think that way, because I believe in the power of negative or positive words, and I most certainly won't survive if I think that way @ @
Also I get into fights with my really close friends when I tell them about it, because they get frustrated with me not believing their encouraging words x.x

Don't feel like you'll never amount to anything or be remembered. Because your art has inspired me to work on my own stories and to try my hand at drawing as well, and I'll never forget that.

I can tell you that this reminds me of me sometimes.

But I'm going to instead tell you I believe you will make it. I really do believe that you will make something of yourself. I thoroughly believe this.

I may not know you much and this most likely wont help much at all but I know I am right. If you ever want to talk. Ever. Can catch me on here or MSN. Even if it is just for a distraction. I am good at distractions.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?featur.....;v=qrSa6vjjRHo

I know I don't know you personally, but you shouldn't feel that way. Your who you are, and I doubt that you are a bad person. We should live, and be happy to be who we are, and love who we love, and do our best to make it through life. That's hard enough. After all that, it doesn't matter who remembers us, as long as we made our time here good.

*hugs tight*

Oh man, I know that feeling all to well. But no matter what, never EVER lose sight of your dreams. They're more important than anything. And you don't live to impress your parents! You didn't ask to be brought into the world, they made that choice alone. So your own happiness is what matters most. You are ridiculously talented and for you not to go after your dream would be talent wasted.

You are not a bad person! And if your parents are as kind as you say they are, they'll support your life decisions.

<3

Ma'am, you should already know that most of what you just said is total bull. There's no possible way for you to know what is to come, and certainly no way for you to judge your worth in others' eyes. You know you have friends, whether they're far away or just right next door. I'm sure it hurts them to see you this way and to think that you don't consider them as lasting friends.
Most artists can relate in some way or another to the way you feel, but you've gotta keep pushing through, as you never know just how many peoples' lives you've affected and will affect. You never know how many people will be extremely sad and heart broken if you left the world or if you just stopped trying.

When I feel that way, I always think on how worse others have it, and that if they're not giving up, then I shouldn't, either. There's always another way, and even though if you don't think you'll ever be truly happy, you've known happy moments, so you should know they will happen again.

When you're in dark, depressive moods, just give each bad thought a few hours, and I'm sure they'll change with the time.

Have you been seeing a therapist regularly still? One that is actually helpful?

In the great scheme of things, no one really has a purpose, it's just the cycle of life and death. That's a fact. But you don't have to have a purpose in life that you're aware of. You could have already found your place in life, or you could still yet to have found it. Life's a great mystery--there's no point in trying to figure out out; just go with it, and see where it takes you instead of trying to force it in some direction or stop it completely.


I really hope you feel better, Jess. \: And that you can find some help that you need.

I don't think you're a waste of space, Avy. And I know that feeling to want to give back, it lingers on my heart all the time and I feel like I'm never going to go anywhere, never do anything good with my life, never be. . . well, who and what I wanna be. I know you really don't know me too well. And I know maybe you just want to be left alone and whatever. I use to all the time. To linger in my own pain.

For a very, very long time I hated myself. HATED. I am the only person I have ever been able to truly hate. I'm stupid, I'm slow, I'm weak, I'm unmotivated, I'm socially awkward, socially strange, typically antisocial, easily irritated, overly-sensitive, overly-emotional, unorganized, sloppy, forgetful, often unintentionally rude or disturbing, random, anxiety problems, ADHD (literally), autistic, and moody. I'm scared of everything. I get lost easily. I'm not a good artist and no where near the talent level I should have now. I'm stubborn, persistent, and easily bored. I feel bad whenever I ask for ANYTHING no matter what it is and I don't even celebrate my own birthday. I haven't for about 10, 11 years now.

I WANT to be a great artist. I WANT to be smart and pretty and inspiring. I WANT to make lots of money and take care of my family who game me life.

But I always fail.

At everything.

I still feel it heavily now and again. . . especially if I go a long time without talking to my friend Moon who keeps my spirits up.

But just know, I will say "Hi" to you every day I'm online and make sure to check on you. Even if you're not online when I first hop on. Because believe it or not, I DO care. From what I have seen of you, know of you, and from the times I've talked to you. . . you're a wonderful person. You're smart, you're funny, you're creative, very logical and forward-minded, ambitious, friendly, and kind. And you are, in fact, a brilliant artist. . . don't ever doubt yourself on that, alright?

You're hardly as worthless as you say :( just look at the comments you have on this journal. you have many fans, many friends, and many people who look up to you. the people who say you don't amount to anything and should just stop trying are people who gave up on themselves long ago and are taking out their hate on someone else just to feel better. Ignore those hateful, abusive comments; they just want to bring you down to better themselves.

Instead, when that happens, look at the people around you who are good to you, who look up to you and actually support you. you have many on here and many more to come. This isn't a battle you have to win. you've already won it, even if it seems difficult to see. Just ignore the people who are toxic to you, push them out of your life if you can, and keep going. You have many who will lift you up when you need to be and who will keep you from falling.

Avy, I most certainly would not forget about you. Not only are you a skilled artist and writer, but from getting to talk to you I know you are a very intelligent, funny, level-headed person. There's no doubt in my mind that you can succeed in your dreams-- and look at what you've already accomplished! A loyal following that not only aknowledges your artistic talent, but that will try to insure that you feel as good as they know you are.

We care about you Avy- you're not alone.

*sighs heavily and shakes my head* I'm always late to get on and read these. Then once I read it, I think to myself- is it wrong to reply now? Will I just dredge up emotions you don't want to recall? Or will my words make any difference? I'd like to try. And I will blab.. So I’m warning you now, danger, words ahead.

I can say I know the feeling you’re going through, I can say I’ve felt depression and the deep, tumbling hole of believing life isn’t worth it but we live different lives, have been through different experiences. I do know what it feels like to have a brother that disappoints the family and makes it so you (the other sibling) has to make up for that to have your parents feel like having children was worth the effort. I also know what it’s like for so many around you to expect you to fail.. While I may understand the crashing worthlessness, I do not understand the same circumstances you are dragging yourself through. I’m not going to shower you with empty pity but if that’s what it sounds like I’m saying then I suggest you stop reading now. What I am trying to do is help in the only way I know how; through logic and written words.

The amount of money you make in life does not determine your worth. Or society is screwed up, I’m certain you’ve realized this by now. It isn’t only artists but workers of all kinds (especially teachers) do not get paid enough amounts to sustain themselves or earn the money they should be for the work and education their expected to do. You cannot control what you grow into being happy with or good at. I don’t see you uploading stick figures Avyris, your artistic ability surpasses a large sum of humans on the planet. While you may not be “THE BEST” out there, being “good” at art is a relative term. If every artist in the world agreed on what was “good” or “bad” art, art itself would not exist because the competition between individuals to prove their creations as something to awe at is what drives the artistic progress; to be better, for what you make to be better.

You have people, so many people out there constantly commenting to you how beautiful and dazzling your art looks to them. It couldn’t be possible that every single one of those admirers are lying to you- they aren’t. You work hard, you’re dedicated in your craft and truly have something worth being proud of. That doesn’t mean you should stop trying to improve but that also doesn’t mean you should feel disappointed with everything you create. Art is in a life time and I can tell you, even once you’re 80 years old (if you live to be that age) you still will not be satisfied with what you paint. But that is where progress comes from because it is what causes you to change your approach, constantly working to find a point where you can view your finished product and grin with appreciation. Your watchers will forever be astounding by how you progress but because of how critical every artist can be to themselves, it negates your ability to enjoy your paintings. The words of those that admire you though, their disbelief at your drawings, that praise should be more than enough.


You could go to college, get a job and go for a lawyer, a doctor, something you believe would make you and your parents enough money to be comfortable but what would happen then? You may find yourself working toward a job you are utterly unhappy with and where would you be after that? It’s true that you cannot wholely help anyone until you have first helped yourself. It won’t help your family either if you work for a job that drives you further into the dirt just to earn them enough money to retire. From an art job, you may not earn billions of dollars, nothing close to what you wish you had but the you are working. You have a job, a blessing many around the world cannot say they have.

If you continue to call yourself a failure you are thereby putting yourself in a never ending loop, setting yourself up to fail and doing yourself no good. I want you to be happy, your friends, your family, they want you to be happy. Please, Avyris, allow yourself that gift… Why do you prove them right and continue to tell yourself the same horrible things people in the past have said to you? I’m sure you don’t want to prove them right, do you? Raise your head, look forward, see the sun still rising as strong as ever each morning. Are you still able to look out at that sunlight and smile? I’d like to hope so.

Everyone commenting on this journal is here for you, we read your words and understand you’re capable of feeling pain just like the rest of us. We all remember you, we all notice you, listen to you and want you to fight. Perhaps the word “admire” doesn’t mean a lot after hearing it so often from strangers online and perhaps you’ve told yourself you’re “not worth admiring” so much that you really can’t believe it anymore. But look, look at all these comments and time people took to write to you. Try to keep in mind once you nose dive into depression that you aren’t all alone. It doesn’t matter how many times you drill it into your head, it won’t be true. But you do block yourself away from people… And that in itself makes me rather sad.

I’m not trying to bash you in either and make you feel as if you’re doing this to yourself, I’m not trying to lecture you because that is not my place- I am not your mother. I want to balance my words so there’s enough hard truth and comfort where it can be taken seriously but… I worry about being too harsh and making you feel worse about yourself.