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Am I Afraid Of Growing Up? continuing
10 years ago
Recently the days have been going by awfully fast or not fast enough when it comes to getting my check anyways. It's starting to scare me, I feel as if my life is starting to pass me by. I kinda feel like I'm having a mid-life crisis at Fucking 23! I look back now and think "Fuck I wasted a lot of time since High School." I graduated in 2010 and now with me being lost in thought I have considered going to college(Full time or part time) to further my education and truly understand what I need to learn in order to accomplish my dreams. With those thoughts aside I continue to mentally panic right before I go to work, but once I clock in I'm as cool as cucumber, why is that?! I've got almost everything down working there, but my mind panics at the sight of a customer pulling in before I even clock in. I just don't like dealing with people, I've always kept to a small crowd or just myself most of my life. Sure I had friends through out school, but I've been to only three of there homes and hung out. My parents raised me 15-20 miles out of town in the middle of the Southern California Desert, so I didn't grow up socially well. Even when talking to my parents seriously or not I've always felt a disconnection between us ever since things have been going downhill since '94 or '96 when my mother started doing hard drugs and so many disputes and bad history have happened since then. Even though I have dealt with all that and I turned out to be a decent person and not a drug addict or an alcoholic, but now I don't even know if I can function directly in a normal society, nor do I even want to now. If you've gotten this far with my whining, I personally thank you. I know life isn't fair and growing up isn't any easier, but I never thought it would be this emotionally exhausting. Again, don't get me wrong I like working for my money, even when I was working up in Idaho bagging onions full time I actually enjoyed it after the first month and felt good being apart of the working class, but working at Autozone I feel like a puppet on a string while wearing a monkey suit and don't even get me started on customers. It's just some of them are complete assholes or etc. . . I don't really see a bright future with this job and I think I might have a better time going to our Community College than to continue dealing with customers on a constant basis. I'm sorry if I sound anti-social, but I'm not entirely like that. I like making friends and meeting new people, but what I don't like is a customer or a manager breathing down my neck. Is this truly the reason why there are drug addicts, alcoholics, murderers and etc. . ., because of stress or not being able to function in modern society?!?! I now understand why older generations are confused or upset by modern society, "They" as in the majority expect you to keep up with an ever changing society, in which can cause a lot of stress. I'm just striving for peace and freedom and it feels as though I am struggling through this and I need help. I just wish I could put on my headphones and truly ignore the world like we all used to do.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TfNB-RtqEyY
Thank you for your time, Sincerely Dillon
P.S. Thank you FurAffinity for having the ability to post journals, it helps so much.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TfNB-RtqEyY
Thank you for your time, Sincerely Dillon
P.S. Thank you FurAffinity for having the ability to post journals, it helps so much.
Long answer: The feeling that you wasted time doesn't go away. Only thing I've found to help is having something to work for, a hobby of sorts. Something you can see yourself improve upon.
Sounds like you don't mind work much after a while because you get use to what you need to do and how things are done. Customers always seem to add a new level of stress just because it's easier to tell someone to do something or complain about how something was done instead of actually doing it. Happens at my job all the time. They change things constantly and screw up the flow. Change the normal process and make everything more difficult. Try to just accept things as they go, if they are assholes, let it go once they leave. Try not to carry the weight of everyone with you.
Above all, try to do something to improve yourself, be it a hobby, or just an interest. After a while your other interests will become more important than your job. The job helps keep you fed and alive; it doesn't make you happy.
Sometimes it's nice to hide in the headphones, other times it's best to set them aside and focus on the present and future. There will always be wasted time in the past. Sometimes the wasted time is the time that kept you sane.
You're young, and have plenty of time to find what interests you. Don't waste your present and future thinking about the past. Better things are ahead of you if you choose for them to be.
Not sure if any of that made sense, but best of luck to ya.