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Need to get this off my chest...
10 years ago
Hey guys its been a couple months since I wrote this. I hope everyone is doing alright and stuff. I just wanted tell you guys something and its really...REALLY hard to hold it all in. I been holding this secret for a few months now. And I also want to tell Amy but...I was scared to tell her or anyone. Guys um you all know me and Amy broke up and it was a painful day. Well...lets just say it triggered something and before I go into details I went to a doctor and a counselor and they both said the same thing. Its really hard for me to type when I am in tears and shaking at the same time. Guys I'm scared. I really am. I got no one to cope with I can't sleep well...this depression had gotten worse. I told Amy my problems with the stress and to others but...their was one thing I kept from everyone and dad believes I got it. Dad and the doctors and my counselor all believe I have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) Soon as I heard them say that I was...shocked. You see they said it will take a very long time for me to heal. Guys I have been getting nightmares...bad ones...so bad that it will haunt for the rest of your life. I been seeing in my dreams of my dad trying to kill himself but....I saw them again. The three shadow figures that tried to take my father and those red eyes...they were speaking to me this time saying they want soul cause I took my dads away from them. And when I am at school I see them all over the place. At school...at home and at night I feel them watching me in my sleep. Then in my dreams I was bullied as a kid and remember the rock that gave me a scar on my finger when they threw rocks at me. Then this one was the worst of all dreams...I dreamed that day...I failed Amy. I kept hearing voices in my head saying its my fault over and over again.
The doctor asked how long it has been going on and it has been a year. This was after me and Amy broke up. He understood what was wrong and whats triggering all this. Its bring back bad memories that shattered my heart. He said I was able to hold the big pain was because of Amy and he was right. Amy made me happy these past three years. But after the break up it was have triggered my emotions. One time I passed out on my bed after crying so much about 2 weeks ago and my parents were trying to calm me down. I couldn't remember what happened after that. But they said I was screaming I am a failure over and over again. Finally I was calm and sleeping or passed out. The doctor said for what I what I am going through I have been getting this PTSD by emotions. I most times will be sad and depressed. He said it takes a long while to heal cause its an emotional pain that...can't heal but over time it will but...its been a year guys and its gotten worse. It has and I...been away from here because I am scared to talk about this to everyone. I'm not sure if I am the same guys.
I don't know what to do anymore guys medication and talking to my doctor about this ain't working and its getting more worse as I am having hallucinations, stress, deep depression. Guys I am can't stop crying and I am 23 and I am a man and I should get overt his stuff but...god damn it! I can't get over all this pain! It won't go away and its getting more worse on me! My god! I need you guys to please talk to me cause I can't do it by myself anymore! I am scared because this fucking depression is having me think suicide and no I didn't do it but thinking it is scaring me! Right now...I need you guys to just talk to me...I was afraid to tell you all.
The doctor asked how long it has been going on and it has been a year. This was after me and Amy broke up. He understood what was wrong and whats triggering all this. Its bring back bad memories that shattered my heart. He said I was able to hold the big pain was because of Amy and he was right. Amy made me happy these past three years. But after the break up it was have triggered my emotions. One time I passed out on my bed after crying so much about 2 weeks ago and my parents were trying to calm me down. I couldn't remember what happened after that. But they said I was screaming I am a failure over and over again. Finally I was calm and sleeping or passed out. The doctor said for what I what I am going through I have been getting this PTSD by emotions. I most times will be sad and depressed. He said it takes a long while to heal cause its an emotional pain that...can't heal but over time it will but...its been a year guys and its gotten worse. It has and I...been away from here because I am scared to talk about this to everyone. I'm not sure if I am the same guys.
I don't know what to do anymore guys medication and talking to my doctor about this ain't working and its getting more worse as I am having hallucinations, stress, deep depression. Guys I am can't stop crying and I am 23 and I am a man and I should get overt his stuff but...god damn it! I can't get over all this pain! It won't go away and its getting more worse on me! My god! I need you guys to please talk to me cause I can't do it by myself anymore! I am scared because this fucking depression is having me think suicide and no I didn't do it but thinking it is scaring me! Right now...I need you guys to just talk to me...I was afraid to tell you all.
And yes, it will take a long time to heal. But you can heal and come back from this. About your medication, how long have you been taking them? Cause it can take a while for some antidepressants to start to work. Have you talked to your doctor about these nightmare? Cause your meds might be causing them. So, perhaps a change to a different drug would help
I hope so...most of this pain was from bullying, and other sorts of bad memories that are...dark, and a break up of my first girl, its like no matter what I try and find happiness...it turns down on me with a big bang. I have just started taking it for a few months now probably November 2014. Plus I have been forgetting to take them and I don't know why I do that. I am gonna be meeting a new doctor from the VA. My dad had benefits from them and I get help from them with college and stuff. Well just right now there could also be something else wrong with me. I might be born with something of the gulf war my dad was in. They made him take these shots and stuff but that's also a cause of autism as well. My folks think I might have that too. Dad is real pissed because when he read it he found out the med who fought during the gulf war like him had kids who have problems like me.
Well, let's start with the fact that you aren't taking your med regularly. Sounds like a small thing maybe, but they need to build up to work as intended. How often a day to you take them? Once a day before bed? If you start doing that, things will start to look up for you and begin to seem more positive.
Meeting a new doctor could help, make sure you mention the autism thing..she or he can only help if they know everything. I hope I helped too and if you even need to vent or talk, just send me a note.
Yeah my mom found out that I wasn't taking any so she is gonna be in charge of helping me take them. And well the doctor said to take it once a day but if I feel more depressed then I need twice a day. One at night and morning.
I pretty much have more problems then that. Something my dad got from the war and its passed on to me. Would it be alright I tell you more on notes.
That sounds like a good thing. As does the option for a double dose. I'm limited to just one, which so far is enough.
Sure thing Hun, you note away.
Yeah its a good thing to double it. Plus I just took my second one right now.
Thank you.