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Paranoia and mental problems
8 years ago
I recently talked about this with those who are close to me in real life. Something that has worried and concerned me for years.
Before I became a fat fuck I did Karate, during this time I noticed a worrying trend of me unable to distinguish people. In regards to trusting that the person I am talking to or seeing is, To describe this better as words often fail me I would see my Dad pick me up but 60% of the time I felt it was an imposter. He had his looks, he talked like him, but something told me 'That's not Dad.' I then started to misinterpret whether someone forgives me for a mistake I made or simply wanting me to shut up. Every time I heard 'It's ok' it seemed insincere. I don't believe people, at the very least struggle to. I lost my sense of trust from people since primary school and ever since it's been a very fragile thing to hold onto. Like whatever hope I still have in me has been dying off slowly and simply wants to secede.
I've been seeing a speech pathologist in relation to my poor mental health, anxiety and social difficulties to discover that I have a language problem. A part of my brain is under performing in comparison to the rest. This throws back to my trouble of interpreting certain social or facial expressions. Nothing too major, but rather the real subtle stuff is what fails me. Most of the subtle ones I answered with 'unsure' or 'untrustworthy'. I immediately get a vibe, a feeling that whatever I'm looking at is against me, disapproving or remotely negative. I understand the concepts, I just struggle really hard to figure out what the fuck is going on.
I've gotten a lot of paranoia over the last decade from assuming the worst based on sight. Having the urge to say sorry because I literally have nothing else to say and any response to fix that only prolongs it, rather than resolving it. Right now my mind is scattered, I'm chasing after thoughts to describe and explain this but bits and pieces disappear as I get close to type it down. The other part of my language problem is the difficulty to describe/explain or elaborate properly what I am trying to saying. Having to explain the same thing in several different ways over and over again because I don't believe that I got my point across. I get nothing, no stimuli to explain to me that the person understands (despite telling me) and that my point has gotten across. Because it is overwritten with 'I am not understand, I made a mistake. Oh god I need to explain it again but better.'
I don't like that I feel like I am losing grip on reality in the case of failing to identify that people are really who they appear to be than to listen to the choking paranoia that tells me otherwise.
Before I became a fat fuck I did Karate, during this time I noticed a worrying trend of me unable to distinguish people. In regards to trusting that the person I am talking to or seeing is, To describe this better as words often fail me I would see my Dad pick me up but 60% of the time I felt it was an imposter. He had his looks, he talked like him, but something told me 'That's not Dad.' I then started to misinterpret whether someone forgives me for a mistake I made or simply wanting me to shut up. Every time I heard 'It's ok' it seemed insincere. I don't believe people, at the very least struggle to. I lost my sense of trust from people since primary school and ever since it's been a very fragile thing to hold onto. Like whatever hope I still have in me has been dying off slowly and simply wants to secede.
I've been seeing a speech pathologist in relation to my poor mental health, anxiety and social difficulties to discover that I have a language problem. A part of my brain is under performing in comparison to the rest. This throws back to my trouble of interpreting certain social or facial expressions. Nothing too major, but rather the real subtle stuff is what fails me. Most of the subtle ones I answered with 'unsure' or 'untrustworthy'. I immediately get a vibe, a feeling that whatever I'm looking at is against me, disapproving or remotely negative. I understand the concepts, I just struggle really hard to figure out what the fuck is going on.
I've gotten a lot of paranoia over the last decade from assuming the worst based on sight. Having the urge to say sorry because I literally have nothing else to say and any response to fix that only prolongs it, rather than resolving it. Right now my mind is scattered, I'm chasing after thoughts to describe and explain this but bits and pieces disappear as I get close to type it down. The other part of my language problem is the difficulty to describe/explain or elaborate properly what I am trying to saying. Having to explain the same thing in several different ways over and over again because I don't believe that I got my point across. I get nothing, no stimuli to explain to me that the person understands (despite telling me) and that my point has gotten across. Because it is overwritten with 'I am not understand, I made a mistake. Oh god I need to explain it again but better.'
I don't like that I feel like I am losing grip on reality in the case of failing to identify that people are really who they appear to be than to listen to the choking paranoia that tells me otherwise.
I myself have a bit of a minor version I think, tho I never have the time to get an official diagnosis.
The brain is a marvelous thing, and yet sometimes it is truly dreadful.
You have my best wishes. I hope things improve for you!
<3
Hopefully you don't develop paranoia or anxiety issues.
Glad to see you're back.
All I had was time to ruminate on how pointless everything was and how much a failure I felt like I was. On top of that I had a lot of religious baggage stacked on my back, none of which made any sense.
There were nights that I would just stay up shaking, feeling like I should go on a rampage and end it all.
I had weeks where I couldn't get myself to eat anything. I just wanted to die.
It took help from others and a complete change in philosphy to get me out of this state.
Where, I used to make everything a deadend, I began to allow oppertunity to have a chance.
From there I developed a sort of humanist philosphy on life.
Sure, people can be terrible, but lets separate the individual from the group.
Suddenly that individual has little use for social cues or morality.
striped from society, any individual is not that different than any other individual.
In this situation most will be focused on basic survival and little else.
Take each of those individuals and place them in a group and suddenly heirarchy is what tends to form.
Why is that? I guess it is a simple way to decied what must be done along with other various implications.
I don't really trust anyones' opinion more than my own, but at the same time I also know I'm often wrong so leaning with who have more experience is my preferance.
I tend to try to ignore how people feel about me, unless their opinion matters to me.
People will hate you for things out of your control, and things that might not even matter to you.
The best way to respond is to not care, depending on the situation.
I mean right now I'm pissed about things out of my control.
What can I say about that?
I guess let others know... The US is a country that seem to not care about its own people unless they have money.
It seems like that is all that matters here and I hate that it feels that way.
Money, power, maybe that is all that has ever mattered in the west or anywhere for that matter.
It is not like it started here, it goes all the way back to the old empires.
Here we combine it with ignorance and arrogance, and the result is a twisted and deformed sort of culture.
I hate our government. I hate our bigotry. I hate our complacency in observing bigotry. I hate our inablity to enforce basic human rights. I hate how we are moving to a private prison system. I hate how that prison system can bribe judges to destroy people's lives for money. I'll add one that applies to all countries. I hate the pass that people give billionaires, just because they are rich and can buy themselves out of any situation. No human being has ever done a billion dollars worth of work in a single lifetime. Why should we have to pretend that they deserve that money? We might as well consider them international royalty, as that is basically what they have become. They are not that valuable to society, and often times pretty terrible people to have swindled that much money from everyone else.
Sorry, had to get some stuff off my chest.