Feel free to unwatch me now if you'd prefer not to see some of the deeper darknesses in me and the things i've done.

I was serious in my prior journal. And to prove it I will start. I'm only going to go back about 10 years, give or take. Beyond that the details are too fuzzy for me to remember clearly, especially those i've spent the last decade trying to forget. I apologize if times are slightly fuzzy, some years sort of ran together.

Who have I been?
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/kaaryn
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/mahinnyx/
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/threshersharkmaya/
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/sinuousorchid/

I only left the first account to hide from someone, an ex that visited the same stream I did and was angry with me and very possessive over another friend of mine. The stream owner and artist created Nyr (mahin_nyx) for me to hide behind. With her blessing. She understood why I was doing it, why I faked two identities for a few months until he left. It wasn't to fool people or take advantage of them, it was just so that I'd be ignored by the ex. And If I'd tried "anything" wrong she was to publicly out me, I insisted on it.
Maya just fell in love with her best friend, and became too painful for me to think about, and Destiny...she was too bright and bubbly for me at the time. I just couldn't play that happy while hurting so much. After her, I left the community for over a year before creating Amaranth as a profile. And even then, it took another 6 months after overwhelming myself.

So, about me, first of all. I'm currently 31 years old trans female living just south of Madison, Wisconsin. I currently live with my parents for the second time. I'm twice a college dropout, the first time my grades suffered from both isolation and a lack of the medical treatment. I already had quite a few issues from my non-accepting parents and the conversion therapy I spent years going through during high school. Yes, they kept insisting it was for my own good. And while I was mostly an A student until the my junior year of high school, worked a job to pay for my gas to get to school and was mistaken for a college student even at 15 I was told I couldn't possibly make decisions on my own, and that my input didn't matter.

So I was forced to attend college without transitioning. However it was on my record, and the school had no choice but to stick me in a 4 person apartment by myself. Normally they didn't let freshman live outside of the dorms, but they couldn't put me in them. I didn't have a car or a way to fill the apartment fridge besides the once my parents visited (I'd picked a school 6 hours away on purpose to be away from them). I did have a meal plan, but I couldn't open up to too many people. Both the LGBT group met during a class my first semester and when I finally did get to go second semester I barely fit in. I remember a few meetings and two movie nights. One in a public on campus room and one in two ladies dorm room (where we watched a really crappy Pirate porn movie while two gay gentleman blew up balloons to give themselves boobs, then threw sharpened pencils at each other to pop them)

Right about the end of the semester, last two or three weeks I'd really started to hit it off with one of the girls in the group, we had so many similar interests (And she even loved the Sonic SatAM DVD set i'd just gotten as much as I did) But we never really stayed in contact over the summer, especially as I then took a year in England.

It's funny, due to miscalculation in GPA due to my term not lining up with the traditional term, my school refused my financial aid. They also insisted they didn't know how to contact me (yet I was with professors from my school, with 29 other students from my school, and even getting paid by my school for a research project) and so although I passed most of my classes even suffering through the depression and a self medicated transition, I still ended up coming back to the US with no hope of continuing. I was able to get a private loan with the help of a relative to cosign, but that only paid for the financial aid refused. I'd missed class signup. I had no other options. And the prospect of living with my parents for more than three months made my blood run cold.

So, a friend i'd made offered to let me move in with them. I applied for the school they went to, was accepted and told I'd be getting a full ride scholarship. We started dating online shortly before I turned 21. This was the first time I'd had any sort of relationship. She was another trans lady, and although I still care for her to this day, personality wise we were just too different to pull it together with all the other issues we faced. I helped them rent an apartment and a couple weeks after my 21st I flew down there to join her. School fell through right away, once I was there they found the money promised no longer existed thanks to the economic downturn. Supposedly I had a transfer in at work, but when I went to the local store they'd never heard of me. Asked me to come back another week later.

So I did, and then it was 'hey, since your previous store listed you as quit already and we hadn't accepted you last week when the manager was on vacation, now we're in a hiring freeze and can't hire anyone'. At the same time, my partner at the time was struggling to work almost full time at a gas station while going to school. My savings ran out and nobody was hiring since it was the middle of the depression we had. Finally when we started getting truly desperate I put in at McDonalds again. My highschool job. I'd hated it, but, 40 hours was 40 hours. The store closest to me offered 8. The next one 12. Finally I found one that was an hour away by bus (and passed 3 others, with a 4th just a few blocks down the other direction).

Somewhere in the job search, a friend of ours needed a place to live. So even though we lived in a tiny 1 bedroom apartment we invited her in with us. We figured that with three of us we could 'upgrade' after a few months to something a little bigger. She had a little money saved up and we figured she could get a job at some point. (She was fairly pretty and as sexist as it is, I've seen pretty girls get jobs that otherwise wouldn't be offered to someone with the same skills. Been those other girls countless times, watching someone less qualified get a job that they don't really care for because of a pretty face)

Started at minimum wage because my experience was about 18 months old. Quickly proved to be one of the best workers that didn't cut corners. This was the first time in my life I ever really saw racism first hand. Quite a few of the people I worked with were Hispanic and I was one of just two Caucasian employees that were not in management. Although I quickly showed my skill at the tasks set before me (and had detailed plenty of things I'd done to the hiring manager, who knew right away that I was well trained when she saw me working), others whispered that the only reason I got full hours so fast was because I was white. It hurt, but I didn't call anyone out on it or pout. Instead, I made it a point to work with those that I'd heard say such things, to help them improve or do things correctly. I'd been a trainer in high school and although I'm extremely introverted, I was pretty good at politely guiding people into the correct ways to do the job.

Over a month or two, the whispering stopped because nobody believed I was trying to be 'better' than anyone, I was trying to do my best and improve those around me. To me, that's just the smart thing to do. If everyone is better at the job than we all have less work.

About six months into the job, my partner (Let's call her E) lost her job. Money went missing from the safe that only management could open, and although she wasn't a manager she was the only one on shift. Fired on the spot for that. At the same time, my relationship with her had started to show some rough edges, her friends (and pets) didn't think I was giving her enough attention. They were starting to say mean things behind my back about me, about how I was just using her. Around that time, our other roommate moved out with little notice. So, to fill this in we invited another friend of mine 'R' to move in. Although he was male, I'd known him online for several years. He'd been nothing but kind to me in that time. The move happened around this time, I don't remember the exact date anymore.

So out of work and having just finished school, I managed to get 'E' a job working with me. We didn't say we were partners, that would have been really awkward, we were both a bit shy about it. She quickly became one of the best customer service oriented employees there. After a few weeks, my boss jokingly asked if I had any more friends. In fact, I did. 'R' needed a job, and although they were hired on as part time, they got full time hours after the first week or so as well.

For a few months things went well, but then 'E' went to visit some friends cross country. When they got there they said they were moving out in a month or so. We'd sort of fallen apart as a couple, but were still good friends, so it wasn't all that painful. And their online friends and pets actually apologized. They saw that I supported 'E' the same way she had me when she was out of work.

So, now it was just myself and 'R'. I knew online I'd had a very slight crush on him for being so kind and protective of me, but this somehow translated into an offline relationship through some form I don't understand still. Technically he was already married to a wife in another country. Had a child he suspected actually was fathered by his father-in-law. Nothing proven, just, they wouldn't let him be on the birth certificate, or get a test done. And he couldn't get a visa to stay there. it's why he was desperately looking for a place to live as that relationship fell apart.

This is about the time I started realizing I was polyamorous to some degree. There was another friend 'J', one I still talk to from time to time. We both cared for her online and wanted to bring her down to join us. She kept saying she wanted to as well, but no matter what we tried, there were excuses. I know physically I couldn't have sex with a male, I just couldn't. But maybe if she'd been there, I could have tolerated it because she'd have been there with me, doing everything she could to make me comfortable. And That's what kept me in this relationship for nearly 5 years. It grew more and more emotionally abusive over that time. And it kept threatening to become physically abusive. When 'E' left us, I stopped sleeping in the bedroom and started sleeping on the couch.

The lack of physical affection is probably why the anger issues started to grow. I just...I could treat him as a friend, but not as a partner. Online we still RPed quite often, that was the interaction we had when not at work. (Which was all the time)

Within a few months of him working there, I got in major trouble at work. We'd gotten a new manager, one I liked very much. She quickly saw that I was one of her best employees and made use of my abilities. At times when she was the only manager on shift and doing critical paperwork in the back (Since other managers dumped it off on her, several of them couldn't actually read english) she entrusted me with her supervisor password to do things like employee meals (Actually chose a code that used my ID in it on purpose). I always called out to her for permission first. One day my boss must have seen it on camera, pulled me aside and asked about it. I told him the honest truth. That the manager gave it to me for use when she was extremely busy, that I only used it when I specifically had permission to do so, and that if I thought she was just being lazy I wouldn't have accepted the responsibility. That during those hours, an employee meal could mean a regular customer had to wait minutes to order, and that was unacceptable, but I was willing to accept responsibility for technically having broken the rules, I knew it was against the rules to use it.

Because I'd given the same answer as my boss (truthful) I actually ended up in management training from that. I wasn't a very good manager of people, but I was great at following procedures and catching little things others did not. So immediately after finishing training we had a manager fired for an incident with an employee that happened where the camera couldn't see anything. So I took over the night shift. Just myself and one other person most nights, two on fridays and saturdays.

The fact that I was promoted over 'R' rankled him, especially as over the next 3 years we didn't promote but 1 person right after me who quit shortly after. He'd had management experience before. Eventually staffing issues led me to an unusual setup, I asked for him on overnight with me although he didn't know grill. So as manager I did the grill and he did all the front end work.

I'm proud of how well it worked considering I made literally everything to order after 11pm and before 5am. Our store had poor reviews during the day but the few night ones we had were amazing in everything but wait times. And once people understood what they were getting from me they were usually happy to wait the extra minute over what another store might have had. x.x


We did this for two years, but things got more and more emotionally abusive. At some point he demanded access to my chat logs at all times, to see if I was cheating on him. (There was one friend that played the cutest little male and female dragons. Adult age but so tiny and cute, i'd have let them do more than most x.x *Blushes*)

We didn't actually do anything more than them teasing me, but he saw it and freaked. Started threatening to just walk out. Suicide, leave, call his mob like relatives on me...all of those at some point. I couldn't afford the apartment on my own. As a shift manager I still made under $9 an hour, it was ridiculous. I was paying off one set of student loans even then, there was no deferral on them. And even combined we barely made enough to cover all other expenses. An hour bus ride each way to work on top of things. x.x

Near the end I'd picked up a cheap van, it helped make work a little more survivable, but R quit after the third time having medical problems due to the lack of care we took with cleaning the oil vats. (We didn't replace the oil when needed, that was too expensive, we let it go way too long where it made this cloud of smoke that got stuck in your lungs)

I quit shortly after, my boss was changing time punches and had found a way to do it in my name. Cutting 30 minutes out for lunch breaks I know never happened. I reported it to the owner one day and since they didn't investigate, I quit.

Somewhere in all of this, we'd tried to fly 'J' down to visit us. But on the way to the airport supposedly her taxi was hit by a drunk driver and she was left even worse off. Thing is, we couldn't ever get proof of this. And 'R' was pretty good at digging stuff up on people when he wanted to be. Found things even I hadn't remembered about myself to use against me. I still want to believe 'J' is who she says she is, but there's never quite enough proof to confirm or deny it. And she can hate me for saying this, I still doubt sometimes, even though to this day she holds a piece of my heart.


I'd gotten a job at Walmart then, forcing 'R' to do the same at a different one (not by choice, he just was spending all his time playing games and not job searching) Although it's for the best, his store was pretty bad. It was the one I'd tried to transfer into in the first place.

Me, I got promoted after a couple months again, took over the frozen department for about 8 months. In that time, my parents let me know my sister was getting married and flew me back for the wedding. I'd been mostly disconnected from them, not talking at all until they one day showed up and found me at walmart. (Tracked my phone to it, actually, I was on the family plan. Figured I wouldn't hang out there of my own free will)

At the wedding my parents offered to let me move back home and get ready for school a second time.

My situation with R had deteriorated at home. Although he was still manipulative, he'd found some new friends online, even flown to join them once, apparently the three of them wanted to get the lady pregnant by him. For me, it just meant I wasn't quite under the magnifying glass, so it was relief for me. But a lot of the damage that had been done is still there to this day. Whenever a guy stands up too fast I cringe, afraid of being hit. And I don't open up to most guys very easily.

I left within a month and a half after returning from the wedding. He was able to find a small apartment closer to where he worked. I left him the car, we'd registered it in his name anyway. Most of my stuff was sent through Fedex. I know moving apartments a week before I finally flew out was rough since neither of us took time off of work. I remember moving stuff until 1am some days and then working at 7. And the final clean was brutal, the apartment was in bad shape, although most of the real damage was due to lack of repairs by the office, not stuff we did.


....
So, in this 2008-2013 period what did I do. I know I ignored my first partner 'E' as we sort of grew apart. I just couldn't do much physical intimacy and they were so extroverted that I struggled to spend a lot of time with them. I did care for her, but, if I'd have known what I know now, i'd have said that was doomed from the start. She was a good friend after we separated, although I've lost contact with her years ago and feel bad about that. I know I could have treated her better.

With 'R', I feel I led him on somewhat. I know I'd had a crush online on him and his wife, I think it was mostly his wife and I was just too ashamed to say that. So I let him set the terms, push me into a relationship I wasn't comfortable with from the start, and then couldn't end it. Every time I was uncomfortable, he'd remind me of our friend 'J' and how maybe once she was there it could work for both of us.
So in the end I know we'd both objectified 'J' to some degree (Although I'd honestly say that was one of her kinks, seriously otherwise I'd never have been able to do it to any degree) and I was unfair to R. I should have said how I felt, that I knew for sure after a while that I wasn't Bi offline at all, just a tiny bit online where I didn't physically have to deal with certain things.

Even after I left, I still liked him as a friend, and I still feel bad for the position I left him in. Tiny apartment, no friends in the area, crappy job. I feel I should have worked harder to find him a solution as well, but I barely managed to get myself moved as it was.

I also show I have a difficult time expressing emotion offline. Growing up I suffered such abuse for being expressive that it's gotten to the point where I internalize all my emotions. They come out in text, through *emotes* easily enough, but physically doing so is very difficult for me. Which also leads people close to me to think I don't like them or care for them. And I'd apologize for that to everyone I've known if they'd let me. I know it's a flaw in myself, a big one that's likely cost me my last relationship.

I also need to apologize to 'J' who I expect will be reading this journal at some point. I've been catfished so many times prior to meeting you, you throw off some of the same warning signs they did. But none of them stuck with me for a decade now through all the crap i've been in. Which makes me feel even worse for when I have doubted you. And when I still do. x.x I know I can't do enough to earn your forgiveness. And I know if I was to hop a flight up to visit you I still fear even knowing your address and apartment and general ideas of when you are home, I'd get there and there'd never be an answer. x.x I'm just disgusting.

I realize i've been typing for almost 3 hours here. I won't be able to finish this all tonight, but tomorrow after work there will be a part 2. This got me from 2006ish to 2013 or so. I'm sure there's plenty of things I don't remember, or that I didn't list. The noncon sex from the first roommate (I won't say rape, but what happened was not what I'd agreed to or wanted for my first time). I know she meant well, but if i'd have known all it was was pity sex for a birthday I'd have said no flat up. But those sorts of things really didn't matter, they weren't positive or negatives on me.

If you think I'm wrong, feel free to leave comments. I won't hide anything on purpose, I just might not have remembered everything important.