I'm thinking this will be the last part of this but I'm not really sure. This is the hardest bit because it is the most painful for me, and I know it makes me look like a despicable person.

I also realized one thing I'd lost track of and forgot to mention in the prior piece.

Somewhere in late 2015, when I was starting to get 'J' involved online with some of the intimacy between myself and 'L', I was also pushing on 'J' to step outside their comfort zone. I'd known them for 7 or 8 years at this point. (I think earliest logs were just before christmas of 2007, but those clearly showed that we'd been talking for a while at that point, however I can't find any traces of anything in prior files to pinpoint a date further)

I'd been showing interest in deepening the relationship from typing to actual talking for several years. Along the way 'R' and I had tried to fly her out to meet us once (Since two tickets the other way were twice as expensive). Somewhere along the way we'd also given her money for a mic and webcam, as well as I remember picking up 3 headsets on a sale, one for myself, one for 'R' and one for 'J'. We did struggle to get hers to her, extra customs fees and whatnot, but somehow we managed it.

We also helped her with money for a mic and/or webcam at least once. (I'm thinking twice but I can't really recall if we'd just talked about it or actually did it) But here as we were getting closer, we wanted to get her talking with us. And so I think I might have been a bit emotionally manipulative in the way I got her talking. I know I didn't like doing it, and I still feel so dirty at having done so, it really did improve her life. She was now starting to talk a little in calls in stream, and in calls with her friends. She was connecting more easily with people. And I've asked her several times since then how she feels about it, and she's said that she does enjoy doing so.

For a while, she was calling me nearly every day and I enjoyed that too. it had felt like another big step forward.

.....

Anyway, back to mid 2016.

We'd moved 'S' into the apartment with us. His room wasn't great (one of the baseboard heaters didn't work right) and it was full of a bit of clutter, but it was all his otherwise. Of course, due to the housesitting he wasn't there much of the time, and so I didn't really get to know him any better than I had online. All I really got to experience was some of the trauma and regret he had. I know how scary it is leaving everything you know behind, and how much losing the family you care about can hurt. And I don't blame him for that.

I did my best to offer comfort, to try and be helpful as best I could when they were around, but I felt like I was just muddling things up, inserting myself where I didn't belong. I would say things that I'd later be told were the wrong things to have said due to experiences I hadn't known, or that they felt awkward coming from a 'stranger' like me.

After the two of them were living in the apartment again most of the time I know I started struggling a little bit at school. One class in particular. It wasn't directly their fault, but I know staying up too late to comfort him sometimes when he was really hurting did have a bit of impact. My high school physics class was garbage. it was supposed to be calculus based, but they allowed two non-calculus students in so the teacher attempted to teach it without calculus.

I'm a very science oriented student, I love that sort of thing, but honestly she messed the class up so much that it left all of us confused in the end. And then when I took physics in college I had a professor that was later released for poor performance. Although he clearly knew the topic well, he spoke little to no english and he wouldn't let his TA's write his tests. I think I remember hearing that maybe 20% of the class of 150+ got more than a 50% on his tests because they were so poorly worded that we couldn't figure out what he was asking in any given question. And the 3 TA's were simply not enough to get an answer from when you need it every other question and only have 50 minutes and are in one of those crowded theatre style rooms where they can't even get to you in the middle.

This professor I had now was much better than that, however he was a firm believer that if you know the content well you shouldn't have to think your way through it. I did extremely well on the classwork, but on his tests I could never finish. I felt like my brain was filled with molasses because I was older and required a little more time to work through problems, to then double check that I didn't make a stupid mistake early on. So I never finished his tests, but the parts I did do were mostly correct. Still passed the class but it was close. x.x

It's funny because I was easily the best of the students in my lab period for the class. I grasped the concepts in action right away, I simply took a bit more time to work out the math.

Late in 2015 I'd finally decided on my new sona, and finished fleshing out the details that mattered for her. I'd planned to use some of the stream time my patronage bought to have her worked on, however issues came up for the artist and it kept being delayed. It was pushed back several months before it happened, but this is where Maya was born. And I'd fallen in love with her immediately. She was me, but also very much what I wanted to become. A bit over-exaggerated sure, but that's a little bit of what the furry community is about.

Somewhere in the late spring, shortly before the school year ended, the three of us started sleeping in my bed. I had a large, comfortable king sized bed. It was big enough for three most of the time and I know I really did enjoy the company. However it started growing awkward for me as the two of them grew closer together and I only more distant. 'S' tended to stay up late and sleep in late, and was sometimes still asleep when I had to start sleeping for work.

So, when summer hit and I got a job working overnights at Walmart, I made an executive decision to move into the other bedroom. Mostly it was so I wouldn't disturb anyone with my odd sleep schedule, but a small part of it was because I knew the 'relationship' with 'L' was starting to fall apart. Possibly it was my fault, for not showing that I wanted them enough. I did still care for them, still wished them a good day at work and actually meant it, but their responses kept getting colder and colder. Somewhere along the line they stopped wanting a kiss and a hug, so, I eventually stopped offering. Eventually the only response to even my verbal best wishes was just a grunt. x.x

I do remember a time (although I cannot pin a date on it) where 'L' went into the spare bedroom for a while. At that point nobody was sleeping there but we did have the couch in there. I thought it was odd that they didn't come out a few minutes later, I'd figured they were looking for something in storage at first. When I went in I found them laying on the couch and crying. I tried to offer some comfort. They were saying that 'S' was so clingy they were having a hard time dealing with it, that they were a monster themselves because they couldn't feel any emotion for anyone, and that they missed what we used to have.
I tried my best, and I truly believe that when I told them we could find a way to build back to it, we could have if they'd wanted to.

But after that, it didn't feel like they put in any effort trying, and I simply had no idea what to do. Trying to push affection on them felt like I'd just be hurting 'S'. So nothing really changed. And 'S' was in a lot of pain. They lost a relative near the end of the summer, who was both their only real source of income as well as someone they had been close to and cared for. They were emotionally devastated and neither 'L' nor myself could really offer very much comfort. We tried, but just couldn't do anything.

Over the summer, as I was now working an overnight shift, my schedule lined up almost perfectly with my friend F. She was there for me when I woke up in the evening to talk and spend time together. She was there almost ready for bed while I was on my lunch break, so we'd talk some more. In the morning she was asleep, however that usually gave me time to find something interesting to talk about with her the next day. This is where our bond really started to grow closer. She went from being a friend to being one of the better friends I'd ever had. I knew she was married, but she was so open and friendly that it felt safe trusting her with things that I usually wouldn't tell anyone. And we had so many of the same interests. We just clicked so well.

When school started in the fall, I'd switched from overnights back to days, this time working in Frozen/Dairy. My bosses knew that if I said I knew something I did, so on day 1 they actually had me training a new associate. And honestly she was a pleasure to work with. Another student at my school although a different field, someone I'd have no classes with. Mostly she worked on days I was off so I didn't see her, but the fact that I had her up to par so quickly impressed my boss enough that they kept trying to get me to go into management x.x

However, I'd asked for 15-20 hours a week while I was in school. I figured one weekend day and two 6 hour evenings. Had one week of that before it jumped up to 25ish hours a week. I didn't want to complain, classes were easy the first few weeks. With no money coming in for 'S' and the lack of motivation to do art, I knew I needed the hours. Especially since the place 'L' worked was trimming hours for a while. To the point where I'd be making larger paychecks while in school then they did. And they got paid significantly more than I did.

A few times they had to ask me to cover rent. They did always pay me back (as far as I'm aware, I didn't track it that closely, to be honest). With that going on, I didn't feel I 'could' cut my hours at work, and they increased to about 28 and stayed that way.

In here, an old friend (The artist that I would hang out in her stream, that did Nyr and then Maya for me) somehow ended up in a fight with 'S'. I was told it was over the fact that 'S' advertised for commissions too much in their stream. I'd sort of lost contact with the artist, they had some issues come up in real life and were not around, and then I was dealing with a lot of things. I knew the artist was back, and that I'd enjoyed their company and friendship, but it was pretty much implied that if I went back into their streams while the fight was going on, that would be taking sides against 'S' in the issue.

So I didn't. I stayed away from her. I do think I still had a fair number of hours of work saved up from the past, however I've never tried to claim them and I doubt I ever will. I know I'd been enough of a supporter to have a 25% life time discount with her, but I'll never use it. *Shrugs* For all I know she's made up with 'S' by now and they are friends again. or friends with 'L' still. And I have worked to avoid entangling myself with either of them again.

So, when my friend 'F' started streaming more and more often, I was there. Hanging out with them as they worked, talking about whatever came up. They ended up doing a lot of gift art for me, quite a few things. I almost always threw some money at them for it, close to the cost of a commission (Although with some of the loving detail put in I know I still underpaid x.x)

They drew my Maya so often with their character that I didn't really have much desire to go elsewhere for art, I was happy with the balance. I knew that over the past few months I'd grown extremely fond of 'F', that i'd fallen a bit in love. But it was safe, she was married and I'd never try to break up something like on purpose. So it was safe to let my guard down. We never had any eRPs, although we'd occasionally talk about naughty things mostly as picture ideas or as interests. We were simply good friends.

I think we're in late 2016 now.
Here's where I started to fall apart. I'm sure everyone in the US remembers how heated things were getting, how hate was filling the airwaves. I know I annoyed both 'S' and 'L' by staying up to date on it. I felt I had to. Of the three of us, I was by far the most likely to be harassed and physically hurt for being myself. As it was, I heard tons of hateful and hurtful things on campus. Plenty directed at trans folk. (And all aimed at trans women, nobody ever really discusses trans guys in that fashion it seems). I literally feared for my life after my late class, when I had to walk several blocks off of campus through all the private houses filled with college students. Wouldn't take much, a couple seconds and I could have been kidnapped easily, no witnesses in the dark.

Maybe that was paranoid of me, but that's why I did my best to keep my finger on the pulse of society, as much as I hated doing so, I thought if I was prepared by knowing what was going on, what was being said, maybe I'd spot it getting ugly far enough in advance to change something and avoid it.

When hate won, I broke. I knew I'd seen a lot of bad in humanity, but when someone that lies and cheats and gaslights could get so much power, I just...I had flashbacks to my time with 'R', to how it had felt. I couldn't function. I planned to go back to school a couple days later, to catch up, but I just didn't recover. And so I now felt like more and more of a failure on each passing day. I know neither 'S' nor 'L' really knew how to deal with it, and I didn't either.

At this point, I knew the relationship with 'L' was over. We were just living together as friends now. And this strained even that. I believe I was taken to the hospital once for depression here, but it was voluntary if I stayed and I said no.

This is where my series of dates starts to grow really fuzzy. Some of it all blends in together because it was so unhappy and I didn't want to remember a lot of it. I know it also weakens my argument if I said I wasn't lying on this, I could have some things flipped around, I fully admit that. The events all happened, just maybe the source of some of the pain wasn't what I remember it being.

Somewhere in the fall I'd sort of put myself out on a dating site again. Met one person about 2 hours away that was interesting, that I went to visit twice. I think in october or november of 2016 and again in january of 2017. She was married and poly with two kids. Her husband didn't mind her dating as long as he got to at least watch. *Blushes* I wasn't sure if I wanted to take it that far, but I did like her and want to be friends and I was clear about that.

The first time I spent a weekend there it was very pleasant. We watched movies and talked, had a good time. I helped a bit with her kids, one was an infant and the other had way too much energy.

The second time was much more of the same, however near the end they tried to get me involved in some intimacy. I was very shy and awkward as they made love in front of me while I sat on the couch mostly watching Rick and Morty (What a thing to do it to x.x). I admit physically I was interested in her. She even gently grabbed my hand at one point and placed it on a breast just so that I'd have been involved somehow.

I think maybe if I'd been alone with just her, I could have gotten into it, and it's possible that with enough time I could have built that into tolerance for him watching, I just wasn't ready for that yet.

I know she didn't really like my friend 'F'. I was honest about how I know I cared for 'F' to the level she wanted me to care for her, that maybe it could grow to that, but it would take time.

Eventually this friend cut me out of their life. They couldn't love me with me unable to return their affection the same way, it was too uncomfortable for them.

I know when I got back, 'F' was a bit scared and sad, worried about me. I told her nothing had happened, though. Because besides that one touch nothing had. I hadn't had any real intimacy or been taken advantage of.

..
I'm also not going to reveal everything here. Even though I think I made the right call, out of respect for 'F' I'm going to limit what I say here. I won't ask for permission to speak freely, and I think doing so would just cause her more pain by reopening wounds. And doing so more than I already have wouldn't be just bending rule #1, it'd be breaking it completely. I'm still honoring and respecting those.

Short version is that 'F' started feeling things for me while being unhappy in their situation. All I wanted was for them to make a decision that made them happiest, i'd accept whatever it was. Yes, I ended up hurt, but not because of their decision, but because others were working to influence their decision while I stepped back as much as possible without cutting the friendship completely.


So I ended up in the hospital again. Although the mental health ward I was in was probably good for most people, it had nothing for me. I wasn't allowed the grooming I needed, and so I barely managed to go out of my room even for food. One 'group' therapy session was all I attended. The issues others had were so far removed from my own, I couldn't open up to them. Especially not how I was. Maybe 1 on 1 with the therapist I could have, but I doubt even that.

I eventually was released when it was clear I wasn't a suicide risk. I called 'L' and had them pick me up.

Later on I did get close to suicidal at some more bad news. I was in tears, I really couldn't feel much reason to live anymore. I wanted to just get into my car, drive as far as I could into the middle of nowhere, let it run out of gas and just let myself fall sleep and not wake. I don't know if I was truly serious when I said it (wrote it, really) but 'L' called the cops on me for my protection. They took me to the local hospital, which was much less suited to deal with me.

I didn't have my phone, my keys, even the stupid prosthetics I have to wear because my genetics suck. I felt gross all the time, and the rules they placed on me at the hospital were ridiculous. No in room bathroom at this one, so I just didn't use it until I absolutely had to, at the odd hours when nobody was in the common areas. I couldn't have food in my room so I refused to eat in public. I told them exactly why I was doing so, but they only bent the rules once. For a '3' day hold I was there 6.5 days due to a weekend and then the doctor that had to sign something had already left.

At least 'L' had contacted my mother, who had improved someone over the years and was actually concerned and trying to help me. But the therapist in the ward certainly didn't understand me or my issues. And since 'L' had grabbed all the medications in the bathroom for the cops, they ran drug tests on it all. Some of it had my dead name on it and so I was literally grilled about whose medication I had been stealing (My prior hospital, while supposedly being trans friendly, was very strict about name changes and requirements to do so. It took months to process it even with the doctor that I was seeing pushing on my behalf as well.). Turns out everything was exactly what it said it was.

When I got out, I didn't have a way to contact anyone. So I walked the mile and a half home. Didn't have my keys however I had my wallet and the person in the office was kind enough to let me in even though I looked like shit, I just said I had been in the hospital and didn't want to wait all day for my ride.

'L', 'S', and I, we had long talks over the next few days. How I was making things difficult by not being able to open up. And so I tried, I cried in their arms for hours one night as I tried to bare everything. I..I knew it wasn't going to fix everything, but I thought it was a start. At some point I'd been told that they were thinking of leaving because of me, and I didn't want to lose the only friends i'd had. I know I wasn't the easiest person to be around, but I thought we'd started patching it up.

They told me they wanted to find us a bigger place. Most likely a rental house rather than an apartment. So that 'S' could get a dog. So that we wouldn't live in quite so much clutter. (Some of the clutter was my stuff, a lot of it didn't really have anywhere to go. But equally as much belonged to 'L', lots of craft supplies that they had stopped crafting with for most of why they were together. It was quite a clutter and a little uncomfortable to live in.

After a little while, I reconnected with 'F' online. (Through 'S' I believe) We set some ground rules because we both wanted to keep the friendship, it was one of the best things in my life, and I'm egotistical enough to believe that it was also one of the best in hers at that time. We did not have any private conversations, all of them for a couple weeks had 'S' or 'L' in them as a chaperone, until they both believed that I was not a danger to her, not going to try and take advantage of her or manipulate her. I'd not tried to do so, but I could understand nobody trusting me.

Since some of the drama was rather public and my characters too painful to use, I dropped them all. The few people I contacted that I had previously known me I did tell the truth to, but for the most part it was a clean start. I pulled out an adopt that I'd picked up but never used, and registered things. Then I came across Destiny and she stole a bit of me.

I tried to be her, to be bright and bubbly and happy. To look forward in my life. I know in a short time I'd gotten a ton of art of her, it was trying to soothe the pain I was in. I made quite a few new friends, one of which still has stuck around, the rest all faded with time.

Then out of nowhere I had a bombshell dropped on me. 'L' and 'S' couldn't even tell me themselves, they had to bring in a parent to break the news. They were going to be moving to a smaller apartment and would not renew the lease. I'd already seen the renewal notice (with discount offer) that they had gotten and never passed on to me, but they drop this on me with about 7 days before I had to have a final decision on renewing or not.

I had been starting to really recover. I'd actually sent out a few job applications, and had gotten some interest in me giving more information for a paid internship from a company that was heavily recruiting at my school. I hadn't yet responded, I was working on how to do so when this all hit.

So of course I was depressed. Of course I went into my room to cry. At this point, literally all the college students had housing locked up for the next year, so I knew I wouldn't have much luck there. And the fact that they'd been telling me (even up to the week of this event) that they were looking for a bigger place for us...that hurt me, deeply. I felt like I'd opened up to them, bared some of the most painful things in me, only to have it feel like everything they said was a lie. That we'd worth through it together? a lie. That we'd come out of it stronger? a lie.

Maybe they meant it, but the fact that they'd already found a smaller place and and had it locked in before telling me, that spoke louder than words.

So, I was crying in the bedroom when the cops came back. Same officers as before. I really wasn't suicidal. I was sad, and had a headache so I'd cried myself to sleep for a while, then cried more upon waking up. All the while I was thinking about what I had to do where to go from there. I was afraid I would end up homeless. I didn't want to return to my parents again. And 'L's mother had said they didn't want me to be forced to go back to my parents, but that was really the only option I had. I couldn't afford anything alone

So I was hauled in to the hospital again. No wallet, no keys, not even my prosthetics. They did let me stop and get shoes on at least.

I was in the same room and I literally refused to do anything but stay in my room. For that three days I think I left three or four times to use the restroom, that was it. No food, a little bit of water. *Shrugs* They couldn't help me when they didn't even understand why I refused to do anything. I couldn't present to others in the state I was in. I can't be seen like that, it just shames me so much. Because not only do I feel like trash, at that point I also look like it.

Also, because this was the second time I was in that hospital and they felt they couldn't help, the threats started. If I had the cops called again I would be locked up in some sort of halfway house. A place where I'd have curfew, have to pay rent and pay for my medical care. I'd have a job they picked for me. I'd have no choice of who I lived with and limited/no access to electronics. I'd have no pets. And the people I lived with would most likely be recovering drug addicts. And once I was in it there was no legal way out of it besides finishing the program.

So I spent my 3 days there before they could release me, got out as early as I could. Shaky, they had threatened an IV but never gave it. I walked home half naked carrying a small bag with whatever papers they had given me and a sweatshirt I believe. I then sat outside for about 3 hours waiting for 'L' and 'S' to get back. I'd already lost half my time in which to find a roommate. Now I found they had stopped living in the apartment already, too. When they let me in I immediately saw that 'S's computer was gone.

That computer was half theirs and half mine. When they first moved in I had an old computer I'd built for 'J' in case they had moved in with us, It needed upgrading but it still worked, could run all but the newest games decently at low settings.

However, apparently the power strip I used for it (Belonging to 'L') didn't have a surge protector. We tested it days before they moved in and it was fine. Then a storm and when we tried it after they got there nothing. I felt horrible, and a friend had chipped in for 'S' to move in with us, so they used some of that money to replace a couple things. Half the computer was still my parts.

Thing is, I wouldn't have been mad if they'd asked. I'd probably have said they could have it. But they didn't ask, they just took it. (Along with my nice USB flash drive I'd picked up for school and was letting them borrow to help with the laptop they'd gotten from their father). To me that felt sort of like another knife in the back. After all i'd done to support them, from the lending of rent money, from the fact that 'S' NEVER paid any rent in the year they were there, to helping with food for all of us as I could. All the emotional support I tried to give while they were hurting. They couldn't even 'ask'.

They left shortly after arriving. The next day they came back and picked up 'L's cat, never even gave me a chance to say goodbye. Just gone like that.

My memory is a bit fuzzy here, I was a bit emotional. I know my friend 'F' was moving into base housing with her husband around the same time I was moving so although we were talking, it wasn't very often or very long. I wasn't trying to bother her either, I know I was so busy trying to get everything that was mine sorted out and packed.

My parents offered me two dates for helping to move me out, I chose the closest one. It was so awkward being in the apartment alone. I only had a couple weeks to sort through everything but somehow I managed. Got everything of mine loaded into the trailer when my parents were there, and my mother helped with as much deep cleaning as we could. *Shrugs* We tried, we really did.

....

So, It's mid 2017, I'm now living with my parents.
I'd pretty much had next to no contact with 'L' or 'S' for a while when they contacted my parents. They apparently needed me to sign the check to get the security deposit. Although the lease clearly showed only 'L' as getting the full deposit apparently they cut the check to all 3 of us. I ignored them, passed it along that I wouldn't contest if they forged my signature on it. I just wanted to be done with them. Driving two and a half hours just to sign a stupid check for them wasn't really high on my list.

Eventually, my mother acted as a go-between to get it signed. I had to go to an appointment at the hospital I'd been taken to and my mother was up there since my sister still lives in the area. I signed the check and gave it to my mother, and I was done with them. I didn't want to be involved in their life.

I'd heard from 'F' just once after they moved, just checking if everything was ok. The conversation ended on a positive note, I thought, but then they never responded to me after that. I'd pulled out of the furry community completely, at first due to a lack of time with the move, and then due to a lack of privacy after the fact.


Honestly, I thought that I must have done something to hurt 'F' badly again. We'd patched things up, I was told our friendship was ok as long as it stayed that, but when they vanished I knew I couldn't go searching them out. I'd promised to leave the relationship and contact level up to them to decide. As it was those in their life that were the ones not happy with it.

So I retreated further into myself. I'd pretty much lost the only outlet I'd had for many things, so I found a way to just seal and lock it all up away. The longer I went the more I felt the loss. Although I had about 5 people on my contact lists, only one of them was around almost daily. As her living situation worsened I ended up sending her more and more money just to keep the roof over her head. I think over two years I probably gave her about $4000 total (Most of it after my bankruptcy). a tax refund I hadn't filed originally and then a bit from the savings. I was working full time and not spending very much. She was also caring for her mother at the same time, and I just couldn't 'not' help. I know I haven't gotten many breaks in life. But maybe by giving one or two to others I'll have made the world a better place.

I also did get sued over some of my medical debt. That was when I had to declare bankruptcy. It was not a fun process and I'm ashamed to have done so, but I couldn't work with the terms they offered. Even though my job paid decently (Read not minimum wage but only by a few dollars) They wanted it all paid off within a year. Even if I'd worked full time and had no expenses, I still couldn't quite have done that. let alone living expenses.

Luckily my parents had a good lawyer that helped me through it. I know my credit history is now shot, but at least that is gone. It's funny, if they'd just have worked with me to make sure I could afford school without relying on others I'd have actually been able to pay x.x A couple thousand extra would likely have done it. x.x Enough to keep the roof above me without worrying and a small bit of food on the table.


There were some other small things. A friend I'd made as Destiny wanted to be in a picture with me a long time back. They talked with an artist, reserved a spot, and then before they could pay lost their job. So I covered it. Paid my share, their share. Months later the artist contacted me, apparently the friend was asking for a refund and wanting to cancel. The artist had just started a new job and was broke. I lent the artist enough to do the refund. (Even though it was refunding money that I had paid, so technically the artist would have only owed me the refund, but they were worried about a paypal dispute over it if the refund went to me, even if the money could clearly be traced back to me from the other person)

I didn't complain, I accepted the promise that they'd pay me back once they got their first paycheck. Never happened, but it's alright. I'm not really mad at them. I understand how things happen. I just, I'm a bit sad. I go out of my way to help people and things like that happen. I know I get taken advantage of. But I can't stop being me, of wanting to give others chances where I was never given them.


Somewhere shortly after I moved, 'J' used some of her favor points to get an artist to create me a new character. That's where Amaranth came from. I didn't use her for close to a year. After the holidays last year I'd gotten quite depressed and lonely. I knew I needed to try and make some more friends, and I'd hoped that FA would be safe for me. I got lucky, I didn't see anything by 'F' on there in the week or so that I was active. I was afraid both that I'd driven them away from the community, or that they were super active again, getting a lot of art that I'd be trying to hide from. They'd clearly stopped talking to me when we used to talk daily, and I wasn't going to push it.

It didn't happen that time, but I overloaded myself with people. Only one or two stuck around, but it kept me from being so alone, and so although I wasn't on FA, I was still being slightly social.

I carried on like this for months, helping my one close friend with a little bit of money here and there. Usually $20 to $50 at a time. Helping cover mother's medications, or what they were short on rent. They literally made next to nothing and even a couple of hours cut meant not making rent at the new place they'd found to live. x.x I couldn't say no when I could afford it.

Finally, I had my first vacation in September. I took a week off and by some cosmic coincidence my parents were also gone for a week and a half. So I was on FA the whole time. I hadn't seen any traces of 'F' until a week or more, and there's a journal on that. I never stopped thinking about her, about how she was my best friend. I wanted to talk with her nearly every day, to seek her out, but I kept to my promise. After I did see her, though. I knew that since all my old contact information was out of date, maybe she had tried to reach out. I bent the rules, I posted that journal on my old accounts. Not exclusively for her, there were a few other people I missed, but I might not have done it. I honestly didn't expect her to email me last week. She had unwatched the old accounts, so unless someone passed it on to her she would have only seen it by her choice. I mean, I'm watching half the people and I easily miss journals and posts on here x.x

All I wanted was my friend, the person I hung out with again. To talk, to comment on her art and show appreciation for it. I know her life would have changed. I knew her as a friend for 10 months before the event, for 2 or 3 after. That's a little over a year.
I'd then been gone for 18 months. a year and a half.

I..if I was still such a threat after all that time that not only her family hates me but her friends too, when she herself didn't? what could I have possibly done to cause so much pain? I never blamed her for the pain I suffered, nor did I blame anyone else. It all was my fault, for being stupid, for thinking that there's anyone that it's safe to love. I know I'm no prize, that women don't even really look at me when they hear how I am.

Have I really screwed up my best friend's life so badly that nobody can stand me being even a friend on a public facing website? I might have missed some of the most significant events in her life, but it was not really by my choice. If it had been up to me I'd have never left, had been there as her friend the entire time. Even if I could never meet her offline, I'd have been right there at her side online. Still would be, too.

....


So, I know I was a bit rude to my old roommates. I know I had hurt them by sealing off too many of my emotions, from having a hard time opening up. I know that I could have done better by them and I feel guilty about that. To this day I still have dreams with them, mostly normal dreams of doing things together, usually ends up with me begging to go back to how things were. Awake, I don't want that. While I want to live elsewhere, with another friend or two if I could make them, I don't think trying again there would work.

I know I was the cause of a lot of pain in 'F's life. But it wasn't intentional and I tried to do the right thin even at cost to myself. I didn't give all the advice I would have given to another because although I still believe it to be objectively true, it would have sounded quite self serving coming from me. Maybe I did wrong here, and if I did so, please, tell me what I did wrong and how I could make it up? Is giving up my best friend really the only way to make it up? Knowing that doing that also hurts her?

I was wrong to the lady that was interested in me. I wasn't trying to lie to her or lead her on, I was trying to be honest and say I had an open mind, I just didn't know where things would go. I never intended to hurt her, I just...I didn't feel that super deep bond she wanted immediately. It very well could have grown over time, but we didn't have time to find out. And I couldn't promise that it would have.

I was wrong to 'J' again. I know there was some emotional manipulation I was a part of. But I truly believe what little I did was for her own good. She's her own demons she's been facing for years and since I couldn't physically be there with her to help her overcome them, I pushed within what I thought were her actual limits in a way that made me uncomfortable, but I believe it was for her own good. You want to hear that from her? Ask her. She's seen this journal, and I'm sure she's willing to make a throwaway account to respond if she doesn't want to link her identity. And if not, I'd relay it although then you'd have to trust me, which I don't advise.




I've spent the last year and a half of my life in a small bit of living hell of my own making. My parents are almost the exact opposite from me politically, they do their best to talk about it much of the time to try and 'fix' my thinking from what school has corrupted it to (in their opinion) I've no friends offline and I put all my energy in at work, so that when I get home all I do is try to recover. With games or movies, whatever is relaxing.

I've had two birthdays here. They've stopped being something to celebrate, I dread them. They tell me I'm another year closer to being dead, and mark another year with no companionship in my life. I've a couple of friends I do talk with, and to be completely honest, they're the only reasons I keep pushing on anymore. Because they would be sad if I stopped.

I don't have much hope for myself. a trans lesbian at 31, extremely introverted and shy, i've had no luck meeting anyone. And the one or two that I found mildly interesting, turns out they end up being 18. While I see nothing wrong with it myself, I know others might see it as me taking advantage of them, and so I'm extra careful around anyone that feels so young. x.x Especially with those voices from my past still whispering in to my ear those untruths that i've internalized, I'd need them to really push for something before I could truly accept it. And most of them are gone once they hear how old I am or how little prospects I have.


......

So there we have it. I'm sure I've missed events, left people I should have talked about out. Maybe I do misremember things. If so, correct me, please.

I've tried to lay out my skeletons but I know they are not orderly or well maintained. I tried to forget much of this and to move on with my life. But since someone doesn't think i've paid for my crimes yet, here we are, all of it that I can think of.

So, hate me if you will. Think poorly of me if you want. But keep it to yourself unless you are willing to show off your secrets to the world. I might be filled with envy and jealousy deep down, but I do my best to cope and show only love and respect for those in my life. To make the world a happier place than I found it. To live and let live.