So, where did I leave off? About the time I moved back out of Arizona I believe. Sorry if there's a little overlap.

After my sister's wedding and the offer to move back home, I know things were going to change in my life. Although at that point 'R' didn't request my messenger logs or anything very often (I don't remember exactly when they stopped, the relationship sort of started going different ways as they found others to spend time with online and offline (on vacations the last year or so). However one thing they did continued right up until the end. They were 'very' good at gaslighting me. They'd hold an argument with me on the stupidest topics or issues, and no matter how clearly I remembered it or even if I had proof, I was always wrong and they would convince me of that.

I still have issues trusting my memory to this day from it. x.x It doesn't help that I get so lonely I hold conversations in my head with friends when nobody is around, I sometimes start to believe i've told them the things that were just in my head as those conversations go on and on, on whatever topic I'm thinking. So I already seem forgetful when I mention something and then realize I'd never told the person in reality.

And when you are being gaslighted and you depend upon the person doing it, they can easily make it into an issue of trust. That you don't trust them, that you are always attacking them for being wrong. x.x They can make you in to the aggressor in that situation when you really are the victim. I can't estimate how often this was done, from the inside it wasn't something you really saw. You felt it and it felt like you were in the right, but then doesn't any argument you make in good faith feel that way? Anyway x.x

In the last month I was there, I started putting myself on a bunch of online dating sites. Mostly furry related. I'd never had luck doing so, however it was worth a shot. Wasn't actually hoping to get lucky, was just hoping to find a friend in the same geographical area. Someone that I could visit maybe once a month to get me out of the house. While I did know of two furries living in the big city (50,000 people) near where I was moving to, one of them was very anti trans and the other lived with them. Not really safe people for me to want to know.

Surprisingly I did find someone, a recent college graduate we'll call 'L'. Turns out they were house sitting about an hour and a half away but they otherwise lived nearby. We hit it off immediately, and shortly after I'd moved in we arranged a bit of a 'date'. It wasn't formal, we'd just gone to see the Desolation of Smaug together which had recently released. Ended up at 'their' house later that night, and was pretty much my first time with anyone not physically male at the time *Blushes darkly.* They identified as genderqueer. I can tell you it likely wasn't anything spectacular for me, and I doubt it was for them either. I certainly had no skill as any sort of lover. We hadn't really prepared for it, we just had hit it off pretty well and were enjoying each other's company.

Second date was on new years eve, I remember being at their house again, sitting on the living room couch, snuggling (I think during movies) and then realizing just how late it was when we heard the fireworks go off.

*Blushes* We never officially started dating, we just sort of became a couple to those we knew. The second time they started house sitting for the same person, I actually got to come visit them for a week. It was very exciting. For a week I was living in a big house in the middle of the country. Privacy in nearly every direction. Probably could have gone outside naked except for the person that lived in the converted garage loft on the lot. And the fact that it was the middle of a midwest winter still. ^^

We continued to hang out over the course of the next year. I was working full time and got promoted fairly quickly once my new boss saw I knew what I was doing. I ended up taking over the grocery department and actually running it quite well all things considered. I wasn't very 'good' managing my couple associates (Hadn't even met one of them when I'd been doing it for a year, they always started an hour after I left x.x) but the other big associate had been there 26 years and I could count on him for anything. My partner 'L' and I had actually run into my coworker who had a second job at a gas station in the large city a couple times. And once when we were downtown ran into another coworker. I hadn't transitioned at work yet, so when I thought I heard someone calling me I quickly pulled 'L' down the street the other way. Next day heard from the coworker that yeah, although they hadn't planned to go drinking that night, they did. x.x

During this year, I started going through electrolysis, with 'L' there at nearly every 2 hour session. I'm extremely sensitive so it was sometimes very uncomfortable, even with the kindest technician I'd still be fighting tears when in the more sensitive places on my face. My doctor had even given me a surgical grade painkiller to take. (Not an opiod, but something else fairly strong and possibly addictive). It worked amazing the first time and then a little less each session after that. Luckily, we got through the worst of it for that area at least.

Most of the money for this was coming out of my savings account, eating up what little i'd set aside. It wasn't medically necessary so my insurance wouldn't touch it, but it was emotionally necessary. Especially as I'd applied for and been accepted at school the next year. I legally transitioned before I left my job and moved with the partner to the city the school was in, however I didn't have the guts to do so at work, I just finished my time and moved. I know it 'should' have been alright, and my boss had supposedly even seen a picture of me on a friend's phone a couple weeks prior to me leaving. (I didn't know the name, but my partner did. The 'friend' was one of the board members of the local LGBT group.) It was very awkward and I just figured it wasn't worth the stress since I didn't plan to come back to that store x.x

Now, while I'd been spending a year gathering my funds together, getting back into school, and growing that offline relationship, I'd also spent a fair bit of time online. My friend 'J' had introduced me to an artist who liked to stream. We talked a little and although we were not really friends, I felt somewhat safe in her channel as she worked. However, my old partner 'R' was also there. He wasn't openly hostile, however he was 'very' protective of 'J', to the point where anyone showing affection was an enemy. She even tried to do a little public RPing with me and got in trouble with him, since they were still an online couple.

I didn't like this, even after leaving he was still controlling parts of my life through 'J's. I'd also started to feel trapped by my sona. Although she had grown with me some over the years, she became a bit of a habit that I was stuck in, I couldn't push outside what I'd always done. So I made a very difficult choice to step aside from her for a while. For a character that was me for almost 20 years, that was a very tough decision.

Shortly after having moved in with my partner 'L' into the city I was going to school in (Which was the same distance from where they worked as where they lived before, and in a much more accepting state) the artist whom I hung around posted a gryphon up for adopt. I immediately loved it and started a private conversation with the artist. I explained what I was going to do and why I was going to do so. To help remove the drama that me being in the stream caused by letting the old 'me' die out and this new character slowly enter. With enough overlap and distinction that nobody else would know, at least until the time was right.

The artist agreed completely, so I created a new FA account (Mahin_nyx) and bid. Surprisingly I won her and thus a second account was born. I worked very hard to make sure this second account was separated from my first. No knowledge of things I shouldn't know, different available hours in the day. Even had my two accounts interact once or twice. Tame little nothings. Only the artist running the stream knew. And somehow it worked, nobody else suspected. Over the time I was doing both characters, 'J's relationship with 'R' started to degrade on it's own. I certainly wasn't trying to hurt it, just to not be a part of it. To not be involved in drama with it.

Somewhere in there I'd commissioned a very large and detailed piece with my partner, 'L'. It was a sexual piece, a threesome with 'J' in it as well. I'd explained to my partner 'L' about my polyamory from the beginning, it wasn't a secret or a way for me to 'cheat' on them whenever I wanted. For me, it's the fact that I'm a bit like a character from the sims. My relationship meter with those around me doesn't have a cap. If I've hit relationship 100 with someone, it doesn't mean I can't also have gotten someone else at 80 or even 90. I don't actively try to do so, it just happens as I spend time with my friends.

'J' was easily my best friend at this point, one of the only people that had stuck with me for half a decade. I loved her, I still do love her. Even to this day, I love her. But she cannot commit physically and that's what I need my emotional relationships to lead to, at least one of them at a time x.x

We'd asked 'J' if they wanted to be involved and had permission and they said yes. However when 'R' found out by coming into the stream while it was being sketched, things exploded. I admit I don't fully remember the details nor the order of things nor the exact accusations, however the net result was that the relationship between 'J' and 'R' online was done.

This was the place where I revealed that Kaaryn and Nyr were both me. First in private to 'J' but then in general. Since 'R' wasn't coming around anymore there was no reason to hide. Kaaryn sort of faded into the background at this point and Nyr became my sona. She was more outgoing, more friendly, and far better liked. I'd picked up a few side characters and one of them was Avie, a bluejay that was sort of a tribute to a friend that had vanished over the years. Someone that I'd been on the point of asking out when she had. x.x.

I think this is about where things were in late 2015

School started. I didn't have a car but my partner dropped me off in the morning for my early class and then picked me up in the evening. I spent a lot of time on campus between classes (Since my schedule alternated most days. Hour on hour off.) I attended the first couple meetings of the LGBT group but quickly found it not very welcoming for an older/nontraditional student, especially one that had a hard time speaking up. Most of the 'meet and greet' activities were so loud that nobody could hear me when I used the least bad version of my crappy voice. That and just the general odd feeling of being a decade older than all the other students quickly made me feel unwelcome. I just had nothing to connect with.

So on campus I really didn't find any friends. So I spent my time in a secluded place (with a power outlet) and browsed FA. Commented on lots of things, met a lot of new people. Met mommy Paradise, and for a while really thought I had a bit of a home there in her Nest. She was so kind and caring and sweet, but for whatever stupid reason I felt I had to 'earn' my way in. So I started a story. One that she helped me edit at first, but never quite as much as I'd have liked. I simply couldn't reproduce her 'voice' myself, no matter how hard I tried. Making characters actually be 'other' than myself was always a weakness in my writing.

Over time, she got busy with the others in her life and I sort of drifted away, never happy enough with what I'd done to submit it even with the encouragement of Marzipan, the one person that truly believed in me from the Nest. I just... I couldn't do it alone.

Another thing going on in life was that I still had a fairly close bond with 'J'. To the point where my partner new I had an interest in including them in some of the few times we had intimacy. Both because it really turned me on to know that we were not quite alone, and I honestly think that 'L' liked it a bit as well, playing for an audience. At first it was just an audio call with a picture here or there sent, but in at least one point we had video going. I don't remember what we did, just that I had found it extremely hot. *Blushes darkly.*

I enjoyed the intimacy when it was initiated, but my medication gave me a big fat 0 sex drive. I had to be mentally worked up into it, and that along with my lack of experience made my partner hesitant to do so very often. Honestly, the hitachi wand was a far better physical partner than I ever could have been and I know it.


Although I passed my first semester amazingly well (It was all review classes to get me a solid start in my major after nearly a decade away). However the financial aid had been lackluster at best. Even lower than what I'd predicted based on what I knew. Apparently even with 2 years of credit (and previous federal loans) they still counted me as a new student so gave me almost $2000 less than I had planned on. I had stretched my money decently, but my weekly medical appointments had drained it so that right before christmas I had to go begging to my parents for money so that we could eat.

I was so ashamed. I'm still ashamed of that. I feel if I'd only planned better or cut my care off sooner we'd have made it without trouble.

Around this time, a friend of ours online, we'll call him 'S' had started to show signs of genuine distress in their living arrangements. Abusive relatives taking advantage, always yelling. We were literally afraid that he was being driven to the point of suicide, especially as people disparaged his artwork He wanted to make a living and did have a bit of talent, especially for some of the crafty things we'd been shown.. We had an extra bedroom and figured why not. Extra help to lower rent would be appreciated and we'd be doing a good deed.

Plus, I'd formed a little bit of a crush on him. *Blushes darkly.*

So, once school started my financial aid was a little better second semester, and I planned to get a job over the summer. And without the constant $400 a month in medical expenses I had the money to help. So my partner and I sent my partner across the country to pick 'S' up and move them back in with us. We knew it would be a bit of a challenge, but then isn't doing a good deed with no expectation of reward one of the best things someone can do?

So one day in early spring we sent 'L' to pick him up. Apparently they had also set up a long term housesitting job right after they got back. I'm thinking 5 weeks now, but I was busy with school at the time so had apparently forgotten about it. So when the two of them got back it was just for a day or two. 'S' was very clingy to 'L' and I couldn't blame them. They'd just left their family and everything they knew behind. And so 'S' went on the housesitting job with them.

This was probably the biggest mistake any of us made. Looking back now, I believe that this early time would have been critical for forming a stable bond for the three of us. Maybe it still wouldn't have worked out even if we had, there was a chance.

They stopped in from time to time to visit or pick up things, but mostly I had the apartment to myself. I did get lonely quite easily and tried to spend my free time talking with what friends I had made online. Somewhere early in the year, before 'S' moved in with us, I think I knew the relationship was starting to crumble slightly. I was lonely and browsing FA and I came across someone that was bright and friendly. They said if I liked the picture they got so much, the artist might make one for me.

I got to talking with the artist, but it was just a couple words, I was too shy to ask for something. I still don't like asking for free art, and I wasn't sure if they were accepting commissions. At that point mostly I was still talking with the person that introduced me. We will call her 'A'. Over the course of three or four days, she spent so much free time with me, getting to know me and pushing me to RP a bit more than I was comfortable with. After the first eRP that I was partially pushed into (I could have stopped at any point, I know. I sometimes let others push a bit because I've found I do grow from some experiences) I felt I should tell her the truth about myself. She'd been honest and open, or so I thought.

Turns out, when I came out to her as trans she freaked out. Vanished immediately after freaking out about "I thought I was RPing with someone with the same parts as me" (paraphrased, I don't remember the exact wording nor even what messenger it was in. I think it may have been a private whisper/room on the stream. 15 or 20 minutes later I get a message from her husband asking what happened. Not mad at me, but wondering what I'd done since she wouldn't even talk to him.

Of course, I was in tears myself. Crying, staying up way too late trying to fix things. The artist messaged me, asking me if everything was ok, I'd been talking normally in stream and then just vanished. Since I knew the artist 'F' was friends with her, I figured I could write a nice detailed note to the artist, not asking for her to take my side, just for her to pass it on saying 'a friend asked you to read this, they're not asking for you to forgive them'. Of course I also asked the artist to read it, and if passing it on would do more damage than just ignore it and forget me.

In my note, I detailed some of what I've gone through in my life. Much like a mini condensed version of these posts. I pulled up real information including my driver's license to show that yes, I had legally transitioned. I wasn't lying about who I was, I just couldn't afford the surgery yet. It's expensive and working for close to minimum wage doesn't get you very far. I laid my heart out, explaining that although I don't usually come out to people that don't need to know, whenever it gets that far I do so. Just, she'd pushed faster than I would have gone with things, caught me off guard, and I hadn't felt a moment I 'could' interrupt it to say something.

From this, my friendship with 'F' was born. She'd seen deeply into my past, saw much of the pain I was coming from and how it had shaped me. And how I still was doing everything I could to try and remove pain that I had caused by accident. She saw me baring my heart, trying to make things right. She saw someone that she thought could be a friend. And so our friendship was born from my pain.

For a time, I did patch things up with the person who I'd 'hurt'. Except that both 'F' and I found out that we never actually knew the lady. It had been her husband RPing for her "Because she didn't know how to RP but wanted to" or something like that. 'F' and I both felt betrayed by that. Especially that cutting mark that started it all about my lack of surgery, that was rich coming from a guy playing his wife online.


This covers from late 2013 to early/mid 2016
This portion isn't as dark as the prior piece. For a couple of years, things were looking up and I was moving forward in life. I was making friends and I thought I was happy much of the time. And maybe I was. I question to this day if I really know what happiness is.
....

So in this time period I drifted into a relationship with my former partner. We had quite a few interests, but they were a more active sort of person, going out and about in nature, and I know I brushed off too many opportunities to join them, that certainly didn't help. I like the 'thought' of nature, but the reality is always uncomfortable for me. Clothing doesn't quite fit, bugs seem attracted to me. Too hot/cold to the point of being uncomfortable. Too wet x.x

I feel if only I would have been more involved in such things, tolerated them a little better, maybe they wouldn't have started drifting away from me, maybe the feelings that we had wouldn't have been overpowered by whatever it was. Or maybe if I could have expressed my emotions a little better. Offline I can be seen as a bit cold, I keep my emotions locked up close to myself because I got hurt for having them when I was young. This was extremely unfair to 'L' who I know needed more of them than I gave.

I also know my lack of sex drive didn't help anything. I could view adult art all day and enjoy it, but just didn't have any drive to do anything more on my own. And the thought of initiating sexual contact still scares me. One of the early therapists had pretty well drilled into my head that being trans wasn't normal. And that I couldn't be trans because I identified as liking women. At the time that was termed autogynephilia. Which just made me a sexual pervert, a sexual monster just trying to trap women to take advantage of them.

*Shakes a bit.* S..sorry, I can literally hear some of that in his voice to this day almost 15 years later, and while my head says it is all bunk...it's drilled into me deeply. It's horrible because a part of me wants to believe it, wants to believe I'm this horrible monster I'm told I am, because than maybe all the pain and suffering i've gone through, maybe then it means something.

....

Another 3.5 hours of typing x.x It's really hard to keep a timeline behind all of this. Thoughts and memories are not really connected chronologically in my head. They leap around and I keep remembering things that may come up in the last part that need some backstory.