I knew things were going to be bad with him gone and it doesn't surprise me that it's gotten this bad with me. At one point last week I was having an especially bad day and some things were said which ended up dropping my mood even more. Along with I still feel even worse when I'm at home by myself. But I had gotten to the point where if we had a gun at the house I was going to shoot myself. As of today it's been 4 weeks since he died and it feels like so much longer then that. Every day has just been so much more draining then before and I've pretty much been in a constant state of depression this entire time. Work is so much more or a struggle to get through at this point and it being around Christmas doesn't help with anything. Sleep has been even more of a hit or miss with me. Any morning shifts for work are even worse with trying to get some sleep, my mood tends to be even worse on those days since I really don't end up having enough rest and there's many times where I having issues falling asleep because I keep reliving that night. The days I have off work I really have no urge to do anything now, even housework that I need to get done. And I especially don't leave the house to do anything. If I go anywhere it's to drop Kep off at work and then I just sit at home playing games or something. Without him being here I don't have to worry about taking him out to the park for a walk or going anywhere else with him. And with me not wanting to deal with people there's no reason for me to go out anywhere. The only thing at this point that may help in some shape or form is getting another dog. But even now I feel bad thinking about that for one reason or another. In part because I don't want to rush things and keep feeling either way if I get another dog I'm pushing Naki away. Though it's also a matter or making sure I'd have enough money to be able to get a dog from someone. Because we're probably going to end up getting a puppy so we don't end up inheriting someone else's problem, along with there's the cats to think about. But I think it's really the only thing that will help at this point. I just hate feeling like this and it being so constant anymore. Along with just feeling so lost with everything and not knowing what to do.