I know as usual this is like pissing into the wind, but it at least helps getting it out of my system.

For starters things got really bad last month, hell this past year has just been really bad all around. Though that mostly comes down to things sucking emotionally. Other things haven't been that bad for a change. But things really went to crap, as I figured they would, once I lost my husky. The week of Christmas I was having issues where I didn't sleep for several nights that week. And it was worse than some other nights where I'd just wake up a lot. It was more like I wasn't tired when I laid down, rolled around for a while and just stayed up the rest of the night in the living room. Along with dealing with people in general and shitty customers weren't helping either. Hell I had a semi regular customer come in the day before Christmas and act like a complete shit, because he feels entitled to discounts. So a few days after Christmas I told my direct manager that I may have to call off the next day to take a mental health day. And instead of actually acting concerned I got, "well shipments come in that day so you need to be here." Well I wasn't feeling better the next day, like I figure, but I knew I'd have to go in or I'd get yelled at. Not long after being there I had that one bad customer that kind of sent me over the edge. Went into the back into our back room and just cried. That's when she went back there and said I should go sit in the break room for a while or something. I knew it wouldn't do anything so I just went back to work. And then like I figured I got called into the office to have a talk with the store manager and the one under her. And like I figured it would be they pretty much treated me like I was in trouble. Mostly because they still expect people to talk to them when there's a problem, even if they don't really care or won't do anything about it. But they acted like it was a competition on who was having a bad week. Pretty much gave me the, "how dare you want to call off we've all had a bad week and management have had to work 6 days this week." And one of them even tried to give me the, "even if you don't believe me I do care about you and how you're feeling and even if you don't believe me I'll sleep better knowing that I told you."

The only thing that has helped was me being on vacation for the past ten days. As soon as I left the store I just felt relaxed, but later on yesterday it started sinking in again that I have to go back in on Wednesday and I began feeling the anxiety building up again. Even today I felt like I was going to freak out because I don't want to go back in and deal with everything again.

One thing I was joking about with my sister the other day was I should just find another job while I had off and not go back, but that wouldn't happen for several reasons. Either way that's still something I've thought about for a while now. But I might just end up screwing myself up more. I may end up with something that's just as bad or even something I don't like in the end. That and I'm the type that taking chances just never works out. People go off all the time about these people that have nothing or didn't know anything, but they've done this and that or whatever and now they're rich or something. But the problem is I know how fucked I'd be if I tried something like that and again it wouldn't work the same way with me. So I'm just kind of stuck and have to make the best of everything.

As far as me being stressed and everything I still go back to something else I've said a while ago. Even if people say to contact them or talk to them or whatever it still goes back to my whole thing before. I've gotten to a point where I don't tend to say anything to anyone unless they talk to me first. But even then I just feel awkward or something. There's one or two people that tell me to text them if something is going on or if I need to talk about something, but I either feel like a bother anymore if I do or I don't get much back from them. So either easier/better for me to just not say anything either way.

Yeah I have Kep, but it's one of those things where we only tend to discuss certain things and it's still just easier for me to talk to other people about certain things going on. I don't know, I just feel stuck anymore with everything. And even if I want to I still really feel like I can't trust anyone anymore. I've just gotten screwed over too many times and just feel too bitter about so much anymore.