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Confession and a Warning
5 years ago
I'm writing this journal for the public as my only means of penance.
As my previous journal listed I've relocated to Colorado. I thought that the change of scenery and quiet would help me recover from the last year. This turns out to have backfired on me in spectacular fashion. The relative solitude has let some kind of festering mental illness engulf me. I've begun to self destruct, driving away my (ex)wife and oldest friends. I've become uncontrollably unstable and vile to the point of horrifying. The worst aspect is that I know I'm doing it. I know it's life crushing mistakes. Yet, I'm compelled to do it anyway.
I don't want to move forward. I just want to draw everything to a close and be forgotten. So I'm purposefully trying to induce as much hatred towards me as possible. Something has gone terribly wrong in my head but I neither have the funds to seek help nor do I trust those that could. So now I'm in a death-spiral and part of me finds glee in it. I'm too tired to want to fight it as I don't see a goal to move towards. Moving here was probably my destiny and the end of my putrid story.
Those people I would want to show this to are out of reach now. That's for the best I think as it cuts out a rotting part of their lives that is best amputated. For everyone else there's just indifference. I don't wish to be involved in the personal lives of anyone anymore.
This brings me to the business side of the matter. I intend to continue working as instinct is powerful and it will allow me to finish my backlog. Once I've been able to complete what I owe I can lay down and rest.
In the meantime a warning is necessary to any potential buyers - Our interactions are strictly professional. I'm not a friend as this is a business. I will provide your the best quality in as prompt a time as possible but I will be unable to give a time-frame until more of my backlog is complete.
To those that once called me friend or family - I'm sorry. The Nate you knew died years ago.
As my previous journal listed I've relocated to Colorado. I thought that the change of scenery and quiet would help me recover from the last year. This turns out to have backfired on me in spectacular fashion. The relative solitude has let some kind of festering mental illness engulf me. I've begun to self destruct, driving away my (ex)wife and oldest friends. I've become uncontrollably unstable and vile to the point of horrifying. The worst aspect is that I know I'm doing it. I know it's life crushing mistakes. Yet, I'm compelled to do it anyway.
I don't want to move forward. I just want to draw everything to a close and be forgotten. So I'm purposefully trying to induce as much hatred towards me as possible. Something has gone terribly wrong in my head but I neither have the funds to seek help nor do I trust those that could. So now I'm in a death-spiral and part of me finds glee in it. I'm too tired to want to fight it as I don't see a goal to move towards. Moving here was probably my destiny and the end of my putrid story.
Those people I would want to show this to are out of reach now. That's for the best I think as it cuts out a rotting part of their lives that is best amputated. For everyone else there's just indifference. I don't wish to be involved in the personal lives of anyone anymore.
This brings me to the business side of the matter. I intend to continue working as instinct is powerful and it will allow me to finish my backlog. Once I've been able to complete what I owe I can lay down and rest.
In the meantime a warning is necessary to any potential buyers - Our interactions are strictly professional. I'm not a friend as this is a business. I will provide your the best quality in as prompt a time as possible but I will be unable to give a time-frame until more of my backlog is complete.
To those that once called me friend or family - I'm sorry. The Nate you knew died years ago.
Don't know your situation so I have no suggestions how you can do that, but I implore you to do whatever it takes to do so.
It's free, it's better than nothing, and maybe it will help.
You want my advice from someone who has been there? I'm assuming so, because if you really meant what you said about "I'm not a friend as this is a business" you wouldn't have bothered to post this ...
Talk to someone. Talk to someone you KNOW you can REALLY trust and let them know what you are going through.
Like you said above, you want penance. You just need someone to listen.
I know you're probably sick of hearing this cliche' response, but ... I am willing to listen. I don't know who you are, but I do know about being in pain and I do know how helpful it can be to just talk to someone about what you are going through. I did, and it helped me out of something I had been struggling with for 23 years. Maybe it can do the same for you?
Business: Just inquiring about that colouring job.
That is so sad that I feel compelled to help even though realistically as a completely distant third party I can't imagine anything I could do that would be useful.
I want you to know that a certain transformation is sweeping the world. People are being turned against one another en masse. National against national, party member against party member, friend against friend, family against family. It is not you that is vile, it is the world itself. That feeling inside of you isn't because you're a bad person.
This journal proves that you still care about the world and those around you, but likely they have rejected you. Not because they hate you on their own, but because they're being told to do so. There's still hope you. I can sense from your journal that you're still a good person, but the people around you have been turned against you. It's still possible to rebuild, but you have to face the lies that have guided them so that you can find other spirits that also have rejected these lies.
Cancer culture is vile. It hurts. It really does. These people have become so wicked that they understand nothing of forgiveness and are full of wrath. A great awakening is sweeping the world and soon these people will wake up and realize the error of their ways. But until then, carry your head high. There are people that understand your plight and will take you in, but these people will be different from the ones you left behind. But they are out there.
Rest well, old friend.