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Questioning my Identity as a furry
5 years ago
What did the toilet say to the bathtub?
I haven't felt this low since before I started taking zoloft. I understand that what I'm about to say could damage by business (not that it was thriving to begin with), drive away some of my subscribers, and even be a deal-breaker for the people who have felt closest to me. But I have been very unhappy with my membership in the furry fandom. I'm getting the sense that I'm a part of it for all the wrong reasons. I'm bitter about things that happened more than a year ago, and stating my mind on those specific issues TO the people involved has not enabled me to forgive and move on. I'm facing a problem, and it goes deeper than a few unfortunate experiences.
First thing, my business is not doing well. I think I lack the self-discipline to not only finish my drawings, but investigate what it is that people want to see. I wouldn't even know where to start with this. All I know is that I'm bored with doing fetish art. It makes me feel icky. I lost my flaire for that after I started taking zoloft; I may have just got into the game too late. I'd rather design the characters I'm writing for my novels. And even then, I don't have much drive to do. I feel like I'm outgrowing my passion for drawing, especially considering I have so many other hobbies I want to compete with.
Second thing, my continued membership in this fandom is based on a need to feel loved. I do not feel loved. I feel left out and ignored. This is more in the case of the telegram and chat discord groups I joined. I do not feel close to people I meet online. This is going to upset a lot of people, but in terms of emotional connection, telegram and discord friendships just don't amount to much. I need to know you in person. Without face-to-face contact, I just feel empty. And virtual affection (which actually isn't affection at all) doesn't work. I'm extremely lonely and scared. After leaving my local group for good, I thought that writing closure letters would end my resentment and bitterness. It didn't.
And if I'm giving the impression that my bad experience was limited to one group, no, it wasn't. One discord server I used to be a part of had an emotional support server, and the moderators were very unhelpful. All they did was insult the people I had a problem with (there's middle ground between taking sides), or blame me for my struggles. I eventually left that, too. I was a part of a telegram server from a neighboring state, but they continually ganged up on this mentally ill guy and white-knighted this supposedly 13-year-old self-centered runt. I really hate telegram now. The blocking system is especially stupid. Why the hell are people allowed to know that you've blocked them?
It's experiences like these that make me wonder if the fandom is really as friendly as its members profess. I don't know, I haven't been to a convention, which I can't afford to do, and I can't imagine what I'd do there, anyway. The local furs certainly were not, except for a select few who barely showed up at any meet-ups. Supposedly, out of the seven or so closure letters I wrote, all except for two replied with what my counsellor interpreted as understanding (I didn't read them, I just asked her to delete my messages for me), but even if they didn't respond with hostility, resentment, or even indifference, the fact remains that they snubbed me. That is not the behavior of someone from a friendly fandom.
No doubt there are going to be people who read this and call me selfish or entitled. I am entitled to be loved, not to any one specific person's love, but if this is really such a great fandom, then somebody should have been at least willing to say something to me without me having to wedge my way into the conversation, only to be pushed out again, over and over. I don't want to be angry about this for the rest of my life. I'm eventually going to have to accept that 1. There are many people who aren't even going to give you the bare minamum of good manners, 2. There are many people who won't bother giving you the benefit of the doubt, and 3. True love and friendship is extremely hard to establish. If I have to leave the fandom to come to terms with these facts, then so be it.
I'm not shutting down my business. But I am going to have to have a long talk with my counsellor about this. Probably several long talks. I just don't feel any love. I need to feel loved to function, and all I feel like is a misfit among the misfits.
First thing, my business is not doing well. I think I lack the self-discipline to not only finish my drawings, but investigate what it is that people want to see. I wouldn't even know where to start with this. All I know is that I'm bored with doing fetish art. It makes me feel icky. I lost my flaire for that after I started taking zoloft; I may have just got into the game too late. I'd rather design the characters I'm writing for my novels. And even then, I don't have much drive to do. I feel like I'm outgrowing my passion for drawing, especially considering I have so many other hobbies I want to compete with.
Second thing, my continued membership in this fandom is based on a need to feel loved. I do not feel loved. I feel left out and ignored. This is more in the case of the telegram and chat discord groups I joined. I do not feel close to people I meet online. This is going to upset a lot of people, but in terms of emotional connection, telegram and discord friendships just don't amount to much. I need to know you in person. Without face-to-face contact, I just feel empty. And virtual affection (which actually isn't affection at all) doesn't work. I'm extremely lonely and scared. After leaving my local group for good, I thought that writing closure letters would end my resentment and bitterness. It didn't.
And if I'm giving the impression that my bad experience was limited to one group, no, it wasn't. One discord server I used to be a part of had an emotional support server, and the moderators were very unhelpful. All they did was insult the people I had a problem with (there's middle ground between taking sides), or blame me for my struggles. I eventually left that, too. I was a part of a telegram server from a neighboring state, but they continually ganged up on this mentally ill guy and white-knighted this supposedly 13-year-old self-centered runt. I really hate telegram now. The blocking system is especially stupid. Why the hell are people allowed to know that you've blocked them?
It's experiences like these that make me wonder if the fandom is really as friendly as its members profess. I don't know, I haven't been to a convention, which I can't afford to do, and I can't imagine what I'd do there, anyway. The local furs certainly were not, except for a select few who barely showed up at any meet-ups. Supposedly, out of the seven or so closure letters I wrote, all except for two replied with what my counsellor interpreted as understanding (I didn't read them, I just asked her to delete my messages for me), but even if they didn't respond with hostility, resentment, or even indifference, the fact remains that they snubbed me. That is not the behavior of someone from a friendly fandom.
No doubt there are going to be people who read this and call me selfish or entitled. I am entitled to be loved, not to any one specific person's love, but if this is really such a great fandom, then somebody should have been at least willing to say something to me without me having to wedge my way into the conversation, only to be pushed out again, over and over. I don't want to be angry about this for the rest of my life. I'm eventually going to have to accept that 1. There are many people who aren't even going to give you the bare minamum of good manners, 2. There are many people who won't bother giving you the benefit of the doubt, and 3. True love and friendship is extremely hard to establish. If I have to leave the fandom to come to terms with these facts, then so be it.
I'm not shutting down my business. But I am going to have to have a long talk with my counsellor about this. Probably several long talks. I just don't feel any love. I need to feel loved to function, and all I feel like is a misfit among the misfits.
Also.. how're you doing with the whole.. virus-'nonsense' (nonsense as in stuff-all-going-on, not that the virus is fake/LITERAL nonsense...)