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What do you do with an apology long over due?
5 years ago
A long time a go a lost a lot of friends to a lie cropped by you that dug itself under my skin and ultimately became my vertigo. It spread in me like roots that spread to every muscle and made me into a callous and harsh person. I did not recognize myself then and even looking back, I never considered myself capable of that. You don't know it but after that, it only got worse. I betrayed the trust of my best friend and threatened them, I attached to the nearest person I could and that bit me in the ass. I thrashed around my wrath with a rage unlike any I had ever had. I know it was long ago, years ago, but I've lived in that shadow for a long time too. It wasn't until nearly last year that I really pulled myself out from the wreckage of my benevolence.
Who was I, to think I could do it on my own? I took the fall for a series of events that I had no control to stop. It was all in your hands and, though you didn't know it, it steered me into a wall, face first. Now, I don't regret it and I forgave you a long time ago, even though you scorched my back and continued to tarnish that name that I had built for so long. Who I was became fighting ground and I was the bull. You wrapped them around your finger and despite my warnings, I never thought I'd lose like that. I always thought the truth always prevailed but history is not always accurate to the truth.
After that, I lost Eione. I lost the world. I lost it all. I understand why and I don't blame you, nor do I blame them. My own actions, my own decisions, my irrational belief that I could continue in the crippled mindset of that. I went on that day, forging myself back to a sensible person, though I never felt the it would be worth it. I hated it. I thought I would never reach it but I found new friends and new people, new worlds to build. I was pulled up from the ground and I had never felt better. I was finally free. Free of that guilt of failure and loss.
But what do you do with an apology long over due? A year ago, on the 9th of April, you messaged me an apology-- One that I wouldn't see until today, when I happened to access an old worn down twitter account that I had no reason to log into. You said I was right. You said you were sorry. You were guilty. You are not the things I told you that you were. If anything, I am-- more than I might think. I wish we could have been friends for all those years, instead we spent them distant, and apart. I loved the vision of how things could have been, the love and friendship, cliche as it might be-- would have been bliss.
I forgive you, I always did. I want to hear from them. I want to hear from Ferrite, Cam and all of them. I might have forgotten them by now, but their faces stay in my memory. Their voices still echo in those thoughts, the laughter of it all. The friendship. I want to know that I did act within reason. I wasn't the megalomaniac they called me. I cared-- I cared way too fucking much and I've learned to avoid that. I'll always be sorry to those who witnessed the malevolence first hand, but that was years ago.
We are different.
What we we do with an apology is up to us, it always has been.
Who was I, to think I could do it on my own? I took the fall for a series of events that I had no control to stop. It was all in your hands and, though you didn't know it, it steered me into a wall, face first. Now, I don't regret it and I forgave you a long time ago, even though you scorched my back and continued to tarnish that name that I had built for so long. Who I was became fighting ground and I was the bull. You wrapped them around your finger and despite my warnings, I never thought I'd lose like that. I always thought the truth always prevailed but history is not always accurate to the truth.
After that, I lost Eione. I lost the world. I lost it all. I understand why and I don't blame you, nor do I blame them. My own actions, my own decisions, my irrational belief that I could continue in the crippled mindset of that. I went on that day, forging myself back to a sensible person, though I never felt the it would be worth it. I hated it. I thought I would never reach it but I found new friends and new people, new worlds to build. I was pulled up from the ground and I had never felt better. I was finally free. Free of that guilt of failure and loss.
But what do you do with an apology long over due? A year ago, on the 9th of April, you messaged me an apology-- One that I wouldn't see until today, when I happened to access an old worn down twitter account that I had no reason to log into. You said I was right. You said you were sorry. You were guilty. You are not the things I told you that you were. If anything, I am-- more than I might think. I wish we could have been friends for all those years, instead we spent them distant, and apart. I loved the vision of how things could have been, the love and friendship, cliche as it might be-- would have been bliss.
I forgive you, I always did. I want to hear from them. I want to hear from Ferrite, Cam and all of them. I might have forgotten them by now, but their faces stay in my memory. Their voices still echo in those thoughts, the laughter of it all. The friendship. I want to know that I did act within reason. I wasn't the megalomaniac they called me. I cared-- I cared way too fucking much and I've learned to avoid that. I'll always be sorry to those who witnessed the malevolence first hand, but that was years ago.
We are different.
What we we do with an apology is up to us, it always has been.
