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Irrefragable
4 years ago
It occurs to me rather late that no matter how well-balanced your life seems, there are still things to improve and things that will be out of your control. These variables can bring about anxieties and further disturbances that ultimately can take you back to a state of feeling less than you are.
Working at The Escape Game during the pandemic had to be one of the most disturbing experiences of my life. It truly revealed the reality of corporate greed and just what companies are willing to do in order to take advantage of people. I was fired from that job, as I voiced a little too much that I disliked that we were open.. as a Manager, not exactly what the superiors were about. They listed more things, but that didn't matter, because they weren't true. I know I did good work, but that really showed their real agenda.
Out of my control was getting a job at a Remote company. Incredibly, I was able to move back to Houston and work from home. We had over 300 employees at one point, but just as all things, out of my control, was that we suddenly didn't need about 90% of that. Every few months, groups of people were laid off, and every month was anxiety building… I was fortunate to gain a permanent position on a specialist team, but many of my friends were not so fortunate… it is incredible, the opportunity, but what it took was fierce.. and now that I am working from home, you would think that my own relationship would flourish… but sadly, this was not the case.
In another department, getting someone to care about you is not possible. It is unfortunate to feel I have to learn this lesson again. It is even more unfortunate that I learn the lesson I've since learned from my experience with Eione, yet again. I shouldn't tolerate this simply because I care for the other… I have been in a relationship for three years. The first two years were spent with glimmering eyes, hopeful minds and pleasant experiences. Somewhere along the line, it became less about that, and more about the physicality of it.
I've spoken this before but lust is not love, and despite my previous lesson learned from Eione, I've seemed to still run into the same issue. There was a time when my SO would cherish the time I have off from work. We always tried to find time to do something because I had so little to spend. Not only that, my schedule with the Escape Game was unpredictable and new each week. What intrigues me is that, now that I work from home, you would think we would spend more time together, but the reality is that we've spent far less than we ever have.
It began to make me wonder how did we, so unlikely a pair, come together like this? We shared in Interest in Overwatch and bonded over roleplay, which went elsewhere.. but we certainly had great times together. As a individual, my SO is remarkable and I can see their ability clearly… but it begins to occur to me that regardless of one's potential, they themselves must be the one to act on it. I can support as I may, but the decision is ultimately theirs alone.
This final year has been difficult. It has given me more time to realize the flaws in our relationship and the reality of our situation.
We do not live near each other.
She has no ID.
She has not been vaccinated.
She cannot drive.
She has no job.
These elements alone, as an adult, to move across the country for, are essential to preserving and cultivating a successful relationship. At least… a bare minimum of what one should expect. You see, your own value is deduced by yourself. What you can offer to someone's life is important, but what your significant other can offer into your life is just as important. The balance should never be shifted too far, or the stress will build and there will be only pain to look forward to… in that, I know my worth and I only wish she understand her own.
A big perception she has, likely driven on by her narc Mother, is that she is not worth it. That she cannot succeed… It has been many a time I've heard her say "I'm a shit girlfriend" or "I'm not worth it, I understand" as a means to respond to criticism or dispute. One should seek to correct these thoughts, not let them willow and wait for someone else to try and fix them for you because only YOU can be the deciding factor on that. Do you know how disheartening it is to feel that your SO does not feel worth enough for you? Or to feel as though, you're not worth enough to them for them to stop being a stick in the mud and do something about it?
It is easier said than done, but I've done it. I've seen it done. If one consistently uses self degradation to make a point… eventually, one of us is going to believe it's true, but the only one, it seems, you convinced is yourself. I feel she has already decided that the relationship cannot be restored. It is the only explanation I can think of for why she lacks the ability to pull herself from things that are far more interesting. There are days where I reach out to watch a movie or even just speak for a little while. But there is always a head ache, coming down with something, busy, maybe later or tomorrow, and tomorrow never comes. So I decided, she must be the one to let me know. And when she does, the next day, it's as though she forgets, or is doing something she would rather be doing.
At the end of the day, I am not going to tell her she cannot do what she likes, but if I'm simply not one one those things, that is fine-- but I am eventually going to find people or someone who does actively seek me. If and when that comes, should it be a surprise that I'd spend more time with them?
We are on a break. I've asked them to work toward the goals I listed, and to show me that I am what I'm worth to them. They plead they do love and want want spend time together, but actions will always speak louder than words. I have said that from the very beginning. Even so, we do not need to be in a relationship for me to care. I will still encourage her and root for her and believe she can be so much more. But to give her advice not as her SO, but as a friend-- I believe-- is the best thing I could do for her. If she is not ready to sustain this relationship, then that is fine. Let it be known, it wasn't me that initiated this. When the bird leaves home and does not return, what else should my own conclusion be?
In closing, I come to learn that due to Eione, my tolerance for these kinds of things runs far too wide… some say I should have ended the relationship a long time ago. Some villainize her from what they know.. but there is plenty to love about her, but sadly she had decided to express those somewhere else. That's fine, but I cannot wait more years when for the last three years, all those issues could have been taken care of. The original plan was that I would move there. It seemed when this became the goal, she started to fade, believing that once I was there, everything would be better, but... You must build your foundation before I can be comfortable to bring you in tangent with mine. How can I invest in you, if you've naught to invest in me?
I wanted to move there, I really did. The reality is that, I'm afraid nothing will change if I do. This being said, I care enough about her to know that if I do-- It may bring her only more challenges than benefits. (Not to say challenges can't yield benefits) There are just some things in life that you have to break free from that others simply cannot do for you.
Working at The Escape Game during the pandemic had to be one of the most disturbing experiences of my life. It truly revealed the reality of corporate greed and just what companies are willing to do in order to take advantage of people. I was fired from that job, as I voiced a little too much that I disliked that we were open.. as a Manager, not exactly what the superiors were about. They listed more things, but that didn't matter, because they weren't true. I know I did good work, but that really showed their real agenda.
Out of my control was getting a job at a Remote company. Incredibly, I was able to move back to Houston and work from home. We had over 300 employees at one point, but just as all things, out of my control, was that we suddenly didn't need about 90% of that. Every few months, groups of people were laid off, and every month was anxiety building… I was fortunate to gain a permanent position on a specialist team, but many of my friends were not so fortunate… it is incredible, the opportunity, but what it took was fierce.. and now that I am working from home, you would think that my own relationship would flourish… but sadly, this was not the case.
In another department, getting someone to care about you is not possible. It is unfortunate to feel I have to learn this lesson again. It is even more unfortunate that I learn the lesson I've since learned from my experience with Eione, yet again. I shouldn't tolerate this simply because I care for the other… I have been in a relationship for three years. The first two years were spent with glimmering eyes, hopeful minds and pleasant experiences. Somewhere along the line, it became less about that, and more about the physicality of it.
I've spoken this before but lust is not love, and despite my previous lesson learned from Eione, I've seemed to still run into the same issue. There was a time when my SO would cherish the time I have off from work. We always tried to find time to do something because I had so little to spend. Not only that, my schedule with the Escape Game was unpredictable and new each week. What intrigues me is that, now that I work from home, you would think we would spend more time together, but the reality is that we've spent far less than we ever have.
It began to make me wonder how did we, so unlikely a pair, come together like this? We shared in Interest in Overwatch and bonded over roleplay, which went elsewhere.. but we certainly had great times together. As a individual, my SO is remarkable and I can see their ability clearly… but it begins to occur to me that regardless of one's potential, they themselves must be the one to act on it. I can support as I may, but the decision is ultimately theirs alone.
This final year has been difficult. It has given me more time to realize the flaws in our relationship and the reality of our situation.
We do not live near each other.
She has no ID.
She has not been vaccinated.
She cannot drive.
She has no job.
These elements alone, as an adult, to move across the country for, are essential to preserving and cultivating a successful relationship. At least… a bare minimum of what one should expect. You see, your own value is deduced by yourself. What you can offer to someone's life is important, but what your significant other can offer into your life is just as important. The balance should never be shifted too far, or the stress will build and there will be only pain to look forward to… in that, I know my worth and I only wish she understand her own.
A big perception she has, likely driven on by her narc Mother, is that she is not worth it. That she cannot succeed… It has been many a time I've heard her say "I'm a shit girlfriend" or "I'm not worth it, I understand" as a means to respond to criticism or dispute. One should seek to correct these thoughts, not let them willow and wait for someone else to try and fix them for you because only YOU can be the deciding factor on that. Do you know how disheartening it is to feel that your SO does not feel worth enough for you? Or to feel as though, you're not worth enough to them for them to stop being a stick in the mud and do something about it?
It is easier said than done, but I've done it. I've seen it done. If one consistently uses self degradation to make a point… eventually, one of us is going to believe it's true, but the only one, it seems, you convinced is yourself. I feel she has already decided that the relationship cannot be restored. It is the only explanation I can think of for why she lacks the ability to pull herself from things that are far more interesting. There are days where I reach out to watch a movie or even just speak for a little while. But there is always a head ache, coming down with something, busy, maybe later or tomorrow, and tomorrow never comes. So I decided, she must be the one to let me know. And when she does, the next day, it's as though she forgets, or is doing something she would rather be doing.
At the end of the day, I am not going to tell her she cannot do what she likes, but if I'm simply not one one those things, that is fine-- but I am eventually going to find people or someone who does actively seek me. If and when that comes, should it be a surprise that I'd spend more time with them?
We are on a break. I've asked them to work toward the goals I listed, and to show me that I am what I'm worth to them. They plead they do love and want want spend time together, but actions will always speak louder than words. I have said that from the very beginning. Even so, we do not need to be in a relationship for me to care. I will still encourage her and root for her and believe she can be so much more. But to give her advice not as her SO, but as a friend-- I believe-- is the best thing I could do for her. If she is not ready to sustain this relationship, then that is fine. Let it be known, it wasn't me that initiated this. When the bird leaves home and does not return, what else should my own conclusion be?
In closing, I come to learn that due to Eione, my tolerance for these kinds of things runs far too wide… some say I should have ended the relationship a long time ago. Some villainize her from what they know.. but there is plenty to love about her, but sadly she had decided to express those somewhere else. That's fine, but I cannot wait more years when for the last three years, all those issues could have been taken care of. The original plan was that I would move there. It seemed when this became the goal, she started to fade, believing that once I was there, everything would be better, but... You must build your foundation before I can be comfortable to bring you in tangent with mine. How can I invest in you, if you've naught to invest in me?
I wanted to move there, I really did. The reality is that, I'm afraid nothing will change if I do. This being said, I care enough about her to know that if I do-- It may bring her only more challenges than benefits. (Not to say challenges can't yield benefits) There are just some things in life that you have to break free from that others simply cannot do for you.
