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On Tirades and Spiels
5 years ago
What did the toilet say to the bathtub?
It's been about 7 months since I last went on a tirade. My motive for taking on meditation was to completely eliminate the need for such rants, yet the urge to partake and indulge still arises. It isn't because meditation isn't working, it's because I need to meditate 24/7.
Now, meditation is not sitting with your legs crossed in the lotus position and humming lengthy "ohmms" with your eyes closed. It is, as best as I can explain my experience with it, releasing your grip on a mental/emotional level. Grip on what? Everything.
As an example, my grip on reality involves such things as the attitude that I've been slighted by previous jobs and social groups, that I have to write confrontational letters to move on, that I can only process affection from fursuiters. These things are getting in the way of my personal growth, a claim on which I also have a pretty solid grip.
Speaking of grips, the objections people will raise to this, even the idea that people will contest this when they see it, I've got a grip on that. "This all sounds like postmodern gibberish." "Why bother doing anything at all if you want to release your grip on reality?" Meditation involves letting go of the need to answer all of that. You really can only understand this if you personally experience it. "1. Sounds like the logic a cult leader would use. 2. Boy, is that ever a cop-out. 3. The guy in the quotes would be excellent at Cinemasins. 4. Are you sure you're not just trying to get out of admitting you were wrong?" Meditation involves releasing the need to participate in such arguments. Use your imagination; if you can ask such questions, you can answer them yourself. "Wow, you're pompous. You're the same guy who objects to what you call 'who gets the last word' contests? You should try out for the hypocrisy Olympics." Meditation includes true acceptance, which in turn involves letting people have a negative opinion of me.
I treat myself to the last word in this hypothetical argument because whenever somebody gets openly contradictory or argumentative like this, I can never tell whether they sincerely want answers or are just looking for a (verbal) fight. I am not a thick-skinned person; I don't know if I offend easily (at least relative to what most people find offensive), but I would like to offend a lot less easily. I don't trust advice like "just be yourself" (people reprimand me when I'm myself), "just grow thicker skin" (people who tell me this don't know how to do it), "just let it go" (it's more like it won't let me go), or, probably worst of all, "I just say what I want/speak my mind/have no filter" (in which case, you deserve any drama that comes your way. No sir, you don't get the privilege of not ever having to show any restraint).
A lot of my pain comes from going into situations without due preparation. I need to prepare myself for things like getting overlooked, people taking sides against me, scolding me, bringing up topics I hate, treating a friend in a way I don't appreciate, and other such things that might set me off. And finding out just how to prepare is a matter of trial and error. For instance, if nobody so much as greets me over voice chat, I do not announce my departure once I'm done listening. I'm not enabling one-way courtesy. If people get argumentative, something I'd like to try is responding with a mere, "Oh, that's interesting," and leaving it at that. Scolding is the hardest to deal with, I really want to say to somebody live, "no need to get snippy," or, "look, I'm willing to cooperate, but please do not raise your voice at me like that," and if they get angry or object, just hang up. If somebody tries to get edgy or brings up politics, just excuse myself from the conversation (assuming they acknowledged me in the first place). And if my friends are mistreated, I would say to him, "well, they could have been a lot more polite/tactful."
There are definitely people who won't like this. I might even get banned from a few groups and servers, so that's something I also ought to brace myself for. I left telegram (except for one exceptionally nice group) because apart form having a practically worthless blocking feature, my account was put on lockdown for confronting people privately. Speaking of which, I wholeheartedly reject that doing so was a violation of people's personal space. Putting my account on lockdown was crossing a line for me. I often whish I had complained to the app managers… but that, again, is something meditation enables me to release my grip on. Why include it at all? As an example of what the thought process looks like.
And that is not to say that my means of preparing for the above-mentioned scenarios is set in stone. I will have to adjust them with experience. And I also need to follow certain principles, like, don't go talking on voice chat when I'm in a bad mood; regularly review rules; keep an eye out for the less friendly authority figures; bear in mind that self-centered conversation is the norm, furry or no.
"You say you want to release your grip on literally everything, but adhering to boundaries and principles sound pretty… well, gripping." Something are helpful to my personal growth, some things are not. It's those things that are getting in my way that I need to let go of. "But you said everything. Are you going to correct that?" Boundaries should be flexible, not held in a grip; and principles, as far as I can tell, are absolute, but they are not things you should (or even could) tighten your grip on. They should be balanced against one another, for instance, I should answer good faith questions, but I shouldn't fall into the trap of "last-word" contests. "Well, looks like that's what you're doing here." That's nice, dear. "There it is again, an attempt at getting the last word! Have you no self-awareness at all?"
Now, meditation is not sitting with your legs crossed in the lotus position and humming lengthy "ohmms" with your eyes closed. It is, as best as I can explain my experience with it, releasing your grip on a mental/emotional level. Grip on what? Everything.
As an example, my grip on reality involves such things as the attitude that I've been slighted by previous jobs and social groups, that I have to write confrontational letters to move on, that I can only process affection from fursuiters. These things are getting in the way of my personal growth, a claim on which I also have a pretty solid grip.
Speaking of grips, the objections people will raise to this, even the idea that people will contest this when they see it, I've got a grip on that. "This all sounds like postmodern gibberish." "Why bother doing anything at all if you want to release your grip on reality?" Meditation involves letting go of the need to answer all of that. You really can only understand this if you personally experience it. "1. Sounds like the logic a cult leader would use. 2. Boy, is that ever a cop-out. 3. The guy in the quotes would be excellent at Cinemasins. 4. Are you sure you're not just trying to get out of admitting you were wrong?" Meditation involves releasing the need to participate in such arguments. Use your imagination; if you can ask such questions, you can answer them yourself. "Wow, you're pompous. You're the same guy who objects to what you call 'who gets the last word' contests? You should try out for the hypocrisy Olympics." Meditation includes true acceptance, which in turn involves letting people have a negative opinion of me.
I treat myself to the last word in this hypothetical argument because whenever somebody gets openly contradictory or argumentative like this, I can never tell whether they sincerely want answers or are just looking for a (verbal) fight. I am not a thick-skinned person; I don't know if I offend easily (at least relative to what most people find offensive), but I would like to offend a lot less easily. I don't trust advice like "just be yourself" (people reprimand me when I'm myself), "just grow thicker skin" (people who tell me this don't know how to do it), "just let it go" (it's more like it won't let me go), or, probably worst of all, "I just say what I want/speak my mind/have no filter" (in which case, you deserve any drama that comes your way. No sir, you don't get the privilege of not ever having to show any restraint).
A lot of my pain comes from going into situations without due preparation. I need to prepare myself for things like getting overlooked, people taking sides against me, scolding me, bringing up topics I hate, treating a friend in a way I don't appreciate, and other such things that might set me off. And finding out just how to prepare is a matter of trial and error. For instance, if nobody so much as greets me over voice chat, I do not announce my departure once I'm done listening. I'm not enabling one-way courtesy. If people get argumentative, something I'd like to try is responding with a mere, "Oh, that's interesting," and leaving it at that. Scolding is the hardest to deal with, I really want to say to somebody live, "no need to get snippy," or, "look, I'm willing to cooperate, but please do not raise your voice at me like that," and if they get angry or object, just hang up. If somebody tries to get edgy or brings up politics, just excuse myself from the conversation (assuming they acknowledged me in the first place). And if my friends are mistreated, I would say to him, "well, they could have been a lot more polite/tactful."
There are definitely people who won't like this. I might even get banned from a few groups and servers, so that's something I also ought to brace myself for. I left telegram (except for one exceptionally nice group) because apart form having a practically worthless blocking feature, my account was put on lockdown for confronting people privately. Speaking of which, I wholeheartedly reject that doing so was a violation of people's personal space. Putting my account on lockdown was crossing a line for me. I often whish I had complained to the app managers… but that, again, is something meditation enables me to release my grip on. Why include it at all? As an example of what the thought process looks like.
And that is not to say that my means of preparing for the above-mentioned scenarios is set in stone. I will have to adjust them with experience. And I also need to follow certain principles, like, don't go talking on voice chat when I'm in a bad mood; regularly review rules; keep an eye out for the less friendly authority figures; bear in mind that self-centered conversation is the norm, furry or no.
"You say you want to release your grip on literally everything, but adhering to boundaries and principles sound pretty… well, gripping." Something are helpful to my personal growth, some things are not. It's those things that are getting in my way that I need to let go of. "But you said everything. Are you going to correct that?" Boundaries should be flexible, not held in a grip; and principles, as far as I can tell, are absolute, but they are not things you should (or even could) tighten your grip on. They should be balanced against one another, for instance, I should answer good faith questions, but I shouldn't fall into the trap of "last-word" contests. "Well, looks like that's what you're doing here." That's nice, dear. "There it is again, an attempt at getting the last word! Have you no self-awareness at all?"
