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At that breaking point
5 years ago
General
This is pretty much a vent thing, because honestly I know pretty much no one cares one way or the other.
But I'm just so tired of everything anymore, my life, my work, the people around me. The only person that keeps me barely grounded is Kep. I had three days off in a row for a change this week, but have to work six straight, so it's almost a moot point. But only a few minutes into work I just wanted to curl up into a corner and cry. But I just internalized things like I've been doing, felt like shit and kept going. Because talking to the people I work with doesn't produce any results. The idiot in charge of this company like to keep touting how the company has been seeing growth despite everything and doing so well. But despite that everyone is still treated like crap. No worthwhile raises or just general livable wage increases. Apparently all these shitty bonuses of $25 were all we needed to keep going through the pandemic. But I just don't know what to do anymore. I have more knowledge and experience than most of the people in this company, especially the idiots in corporate, but I know if I speak up for myself and others I'll just get jumped on. Because that's what they do for anyone that brings up complaints. So I'm just stuck and it pisses me off so much.
The other bit still centers around the people that I thought were friends and hell, even this fandom as usual.
I've tried so damn hard in some way, shape or form to try and meet other people and make new friends and it's literally impossible anymore. I honestly don't know what I can do anymore other than act like a lot of other people and just be creepy or something or just really try and force myself onto other like I've seen so many others do, but I know I wouldn't do that. I think the other thing that just irritates me anymore is I'll come across someone else that I may have known before or talked to before and they have their skeletons in the closet or are shitty in their own way or just do things to get attention or become popular and yet they have all these people saying how great they are and thankful they met them and blah blah blah. There's still even the usual bull crap where people just want to talk to someone else because they're popular, but I know that's how this fandom is no matter what someone may say about it. So of course a lot of this also comes down to me and I just start shitting on myself more and more. I don't deserve to have friends I'm to shitty to have friends, I deserve to be miserable. Because as some people know, despite me saying something crappy about someone else, I'm the first to say how much of a piece of shit I am. And I've tried being or acting different, but what's the point if no one is going to give a shit and care anyways?
I mean I'm still extremely bitter some of the people I used to be, what I thought, were close friends with. Some of them I even considered to be pretty much family. But after what happened a few years back, things quickly changed. It was when a lot of my bad luck/bad things started happening. Especially after my dog died and I needed someone else outside of Kep to talk to and help me and no one was there. No one gave me reasons as to why they didn't talk to me anymore, no one would actually tell if they just didn't like me or give me any reasons. The few times I got reasons were, "Oh I'm busy with work" or "I'm just busy I can't reply" but it always just seemed like a bullshit excuse to me. I mean granted I didn't always expect a whole day of texting, but don't reply to me with a quick response to shut me up or an emote just to send something. The big part was figuring out that if I stopped starting contact with people first, then I didn't hear from anyone, nothing. The rare occasions when I did it was either because someone wanted something or the texting would just last a handful of texts or end up turning into quick replies, so I'd just stop. It's the main thing I'm jealous of Kep for, because even if some of the people get annoying that he talks to, he at least has other people that seem to care enough to talk to him.
I just really don't know what to do anymore, I'm just so spent. Even on days where I feel like I actually get some kind of sleep I still feel like shit. There's a lot of days anymore I just feel like walking death. I've even told a few people at this point that if I had a gun I'd just shoot myself. Because it wouldn't matter and people wouldn't miss me and anyone that said they did would just be lying. Because they probably didn't care enough while I was alive help. I just can't do it to Kep, that's really all there is to it.
But either way I don't know how much longer I can keep going on with all of this. I really don't. I'm so tired of seeing how bullshit things are and then being treated even more like shit by those around me, "friends", coworkers, customers, everyone. People wonder why people end up as bitter, shitty, hateful individuals. This is how it happens.
But I'm just so tired of everything anymore, my life, my work, the people around me. The only person that keeps me barely grounded is Kep. I had three days off in a row for a change this week, but have to work six straight, so it's almost a moot point. But only a few minutes into work I just wanted to curl up into a corner and cry. But I just internalized things like I've been doing, felt like shit and kept going. Because talking to the people I work with doesn't produce any results. The idiot in charge of this company like to keep touting how the company has been seeing growth despite everything and doing so well. But despite that everyone is still treated like crap. No worthwhile raises or just general livable wage increases. Apparently all these shitty bonuses of $25 were all we needed to keep going through the pandemic. But I just don't know what to do anymore. I have more knowledge and experience than most of the people in this company, especially the idiots in corporate, but I know if I speak up for myself and others I'll just get jumped on. Because that's what they do for anyone that brings up complaints. So I'm just stuck and it pisses me off so much.
The other bit still centers around the people that I thought were friends and hell, even this fandom as usual.
I've tried so damn hard in some way, shape or form to try and meet other people and make new friends and it's literally impossible anymore. I honestly don't know what I can do anymore other than act like a lot of other people and just be creepy or something or just really try and force myself onto other like I've seen so many others do, but I know I wouldn't do that. I think the other thing that just irritates me anymore is I'll come across someone else that I may have known before or talked to before and they have their skeletons in the closet or are shitty in their own way or just do things to get attention or become popular and yet they have all these people saying how great they are and thankful they met them and blah blah blah. There's still even the usual bull crap where people just want to talk to someone else because they're popular, but I know that's how this fandom is no matter what someone may say about it. So of course a lot of this also comes down to me and I just start shitting on myself more and more. I don't deserve to have friends I'm to shitty to have friends, I deserve to be miserable. Because as some people know, despite me saying something crappy about someone else, I'm the first to say how much of a piece of shit I am. And I've tried being or acting different, but what's the point if no one is going to give a shit and care anyways?
I mean I'm still extremely bitter some of the people I used to be, what I thought, were close friends with. Some of them I even considered to be pretty much family. But after what happened a few years back, things quickly changed. It was when a lot of my bad luck/bad things started happening. Especially after my dog died and I needed someone else outside of Kep to talk to and help me and no one was there. No one gave me reasons as to why they didn't talk to me anymore, no one would actually tell if they just didn't like me or give me any reasons. The few times I got reasons were, "Oh I'm busy with work" or "I'm just busy I can't reply" but it always just seemed like a bullshit excuse to me. I mean granted I didn't always expect a whole day of texting, but don't reply to me with a quick response to shut me up or an emote just to send something. The big part was figuring out that if I stopped starting contact with people first, then I didn't hear from anyone, nothing. The rare occasions when I did it was either because someone wanted something or the texting would just last a handful of texts or end up turning into quick replies, so I'd just stop. It's the main thing I'm jealous of Kep for, because even if some of the people get annoying that he talks to, he at least has other people that seem to care enough to talk to him.
I just really don't know what to do anymore, I'm just so spent. Even on days where I feel like I actually get some kind of sleep I still feel like shit. There's a lot of days anymore I just feel like walking death. I've even told a few people at this point that if I had a gun I'd just shoot myself. Because it wouldn't matter and people wouldn't miss me and anyone that said they did would just be lying. Because they probably didn't care enough while I was alive help. I just can't do it to Kep, that's really all there is to it.
But either way I don't know how much longer I can keep going on with all of this. I really don't. I'm so tired of seeing how bullshit things are and then being treated even more like shit by those around me, "friends", coworkers, customers, everyone. People wonder why people end up as bitter, shitty, hateful individuals. This is how it happens.
If you take your life, you do realize you'll cause mental anguish to the emergency nurses and doctors who have to deal with you right? Those people cannot be easily replaced by other people who share their skills. By taking your life, you are affecting their ability to help other patients who need their help. I'm saying this because I work in healthcare and I've chatted with some young resident physicians. As bright as they are, they work very long hours for small pay because they are young resident physicians. Because of that, they are prone to suicidal ideations which is very concerning in the healthcare industry as they cannot be easily replaced by other people who share their mindset and skills at least. After residency is when they get a job of higher wage for them. Too bad residency is quite a long time, even if its described as a "few years".
Naki
~red13nanaki
OP
I'm honestly really curious, what was the point of commenting at all? This is almost as bad as someone else I know who likes to tell me, "if you try to kill yourself I'll beat the crap out of you." Because this all just reads as, "these people are more important than you, so just keep suffering because you don't need to cause them more stress" and honestly just comes off as sounding very selfish and not caring at all. It's just as bad as when I had a breakdown at work last year and my manager just told me tough shit, every one is stressed out so deal with it. That's not how you respond to people with depression, what the hell?
Chuong
~chuong
There are better things in the future yes but more importantly, people like me would beg you to not make others' lives more difficult through suicide. Suicide passes the pain on to other people. Your mate Kep doesn't want to deal with this. I may be a complete stranger, but as someone involved in healthcare, we put up with a lot as it is.
DireWolf505
~direwolf505
This year ain't been a help, either.
CaptRoo
~captroo
Im always around, just poke me on telegram. I still think you should start looking for someplace else to work or even a career change. You have to get out of this cycle and sometimes you have to start with where you work.
Naki
~red13nanaki
OP
I know, I just have no idea what I'd be able to do that I could actually tolerate at this point. Let alone with everything that's going on I could take a chance on switching things up and then I'd get screwed over if things close again.
