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What Happened To Me
4 years ago
You're actually going to read this? I admire you
Some of you may have noticed I haven't been as active or talkative as I normally am. There has been a lot going on with me behind the scenes that I haven't spoken about publicly, but I think it's time I spoke publicly about this.
For the past few years, I have been held emotionally hostage by someone I considered a friend. She had said directly to me that if I ever abandoned her, she would commit suicide. This was someone I cared about deeply, and who had been through so much crap in her life, I believed her, and I couldn't live with that if it happened. What followed was years of support from me, both emotionally and monetarily. All I ever wanted in return was friendship.
But I never really got that.
Every attempt at interactions with her I tried to make were shot down. Want to watch a movie? No. Want to play a game? No. Want to even share this funny meme I found? Brushed off. To make things worse, the responses I got to these kind of things were... odd to say the least. It's hard to put into words, but I could only describe it as backwards logic, if there was any logic at all. It was only when she wanted to do something that we'd ever have any interaction. Usually I wouldn't enjoy myself, but I'd still go along with it because I was desperate for any interaction with her.
This took a toll on me. A lot of my self-loathing tendencies people know me for started to develop because of my interactions with her. It was only recently I started to break down in a more severe way. I started to lose interest in everything. I've stopped playing video games and I can barely write anymore. Most days I just sit in my room, barely able to function. It was only a couple weeks ago I hit my limit. I broke down and just admitted to her how I felt. And I got next to no response. All she would say is she didn't mean for that to happen, and just moved on from there.
I started to spiral into a really dark place. And I felt like the only thing that was going to dig me out of it was validation from her. So I just directly begged her to tell me why she wanted me around. Did she even care about me?
What I got were non-answers, gaslighting, then silence.
I don't really want to talk about what happened next. I'm not proud of the actions I took, and I'm now in counseling again because of my actions. But at least I'm still here.
Since that night, I haven't spoken to her. I have no idea how to approach this. I can't just abandon her, even though I really should. And I'm scared if I try, it's just going to be more of the same.
Special thanks to everyone who's put up with me coming to them with my anxiety attacks at 3 AM as a result
For the past few years, I have been held emotionally hostage by someone I considered a friend. She had said directly to me that if I ever abandoned her, she would commit suicide. This was someone I cared about deeply, and who had been through so much crap in her life, I believed her, and I couldn't live with that if it happened. What followed was years of support from me, both emotionally and monetarily. All I ever wanted in return was friendship.
But I never really got that.
Every attempt at interactions with her I tried to make were shot down. Want to watch a movie? No. Want to play a game? No. Want to even share this funny meme I found? Brushed off. To make things worse, the responses I got to these kind of things were... odd to say the least. It's hard to put into words, but I could only describe it as backwards logic, if there was any logic at all. It was only when she wanted to do something that we'd ever have any interaction. Usually I wouldn't enjoy myself, but I'd still go along with it because I was desperate for any interaction with her.
This took a toll on me. A lot of my self-loathing tendencies people know me for started to develop because of my interactions with her. It was only recently I started to break down in a more severe way. I started to lose interest in everything. I've stopped playing video games and I can barely write anymore. Most days I just sit in my room, barely able to function. It was only a couple weeks ago I hit my limit. I broke down and just admitted to her how I felt. And I got next to no response. All she would say is she didn't mean for that to happen, and just moved on from there.
I started to spiral into a really dark place. And I felt like the only thing that was going to dig me out of it was validation from her. So I just directly begged her to tell me why she wanted me around. Did she even care about me?
What I got were non-answers, gaslighting, then silence.
I don't really want to talk about what happened next. I'm not proud of the actions I took, and I'm now in counseling again because of my actions. But at least I'm still here.
Since that night, I haven't spoken to her. I have no idea how to approach this. I can't just abandon her, even though I really should. And I'm scared if I try, it's just going to be more of the same.
Special thanks to everyone who's put up with me coming to them with my anxiety attacks at 3 AM as a result
Your situation sounds similar to mine (though not saying it's the exact same of course). Someone who manipulates you like that is not a friend. And if she was anything like the one I had, the threats are all bullshit probably used to further manipulate you. Fuck her. You don't need that kind of crap in your life man.