Yeah, it's all gone.
I'm sorry everyone, but I need to leave for good.
All I've done is make a fool of myself for trying to follow my beliefs.

I will still have art on other sites, but not here.
Unwatch me all, because the ride is now over.

Anyway from this point on, I'm planning to close this account.
That way I can no longer log in here and cause trouble.

Well, mine doesn't as the bulb broke the other day.
And boy was the blue flash bright when it happen.

Anyway just a small update on life.

Nothing excitingly new to say about the job, except that I have been writing scripts, storyboards, proposed new story ideas, and finally started animating only very slowly.

Which brings to a better bit of news, I'm getting a brand new PC to help with my Animations, YAY!!!
Which will be very helpful with this job.
Thought it's a pity I can't use it for my games.

As noted, art has come very much come to a complete stop. Part due to this work I have to do.
And the other is that I've been feeling quite lazy.

So yeah, just a dull update report from me.

Ok, I'll doing my best not to rant, but their has been some unfortunate dilemmas.

First off I somehow misplaced my mobile phone.
And although I got another one for nothing and it's better and newer, I still miss having my old ones.

This new Phone doesn't let me add the Thomas the Tank Engine theme song.
Yeah I have that theme so that:-
1. I can easily know that it's mine phone ringing.
and
2. It makes me want to answer it ASAP so that others don't recognizes the tune.

Anyway my mum is extremely pissed off that I might have lost my phone. Heck, she misplaces stuff all the time and I don't rant and yell at her about it. So yeah, it is a bit of a pain.


The second downer is that I missed out in applying for a part time Christmas job, again!!
I suppose it is my fault for not applying faster, but I wanted to get help with getting a resume as Animations Showreels are no good for the job application.

I think I told this last year, but the job is basically driving a miniature train in a mall for kids to ride on.

Seriously I would have loved this job since I do this stuff once a month for nothing. Heck! I'd probably do the job for free if it means I can drive a train more often, but the $88 for an 4 hour shift each day during the Xmas holidays is too tempting.

However I got this other unofficial job, which is more important to my animation career so I guess I would of had to miss out applying anyway for the train.


The third thing on my mind, is how I can't help but feel the need for a Daddy Fur again.
I miss having my old one, but I know it's no use calling and whining for him back.

I don't know why I still have the feeling for a fatherly figure,
(which is strange to say as I do have a real life dad.)
I'm 21 now so I am a man now in some ways.
And you'd think having many Fur brothers, Fur masters, Fur Slaves, and fur such would be enough, but I don't know.....


I guess the last thing I really miss the most is my ability to make high pitch sounds with my voice. I don't care if man aren't suppose to make such noised, but I miss having the ability.

I lost the ability ever since I caught Laryngitis from my sister a few weeks ago. While I got some pitch back, I still lack the much needed area to produce the voice I want.

So it's going to be a pain without it since I really needed the pitch for audio stuff. So now I'll have to find an actor in the future. And no I'm not going to try helium!


Oh well, despite the downs, I do have some much brighter side of life. (Except maybe the new phone.)

Like I said before, most know about the other job I got, and that although there is still the chance for it to be a disaster in the end.
At least it's getting closer to one of my lifetime dreams.

One of my cousins is getting married on the weekend, which I very pleased for her. She had some bad luck in the past years, so we are all pleased about this.

Makes me hope that one day to find my partner, before it's too late for me. (Because you never know what's gonna happen to you)

And I'll finally get my 2nd new train carriage for my own personal Ride-on Train. Which I've been waiting to get it for 2 months. And I hope to post a picture of the complete train in just over a weeks time, yay!!

Hi everyone,

Well I had the interview earlier today, an all I can say is that it's a good start.

The producer was very friendly while we had our chat at the cafe.
And told me some details that I will have to do with his offer.

I wish I could say more, but I still can't give away too many details.
And to say more, I still have to keep an eye out for other work in case something goes wrong.
As this job contains a high gamble.


So yeah, I have to keep my fingers cross and hope some more good luck happens.

Felt like I needed a change in what I was doing.

So I pulled back up an old 3D Train project I started 8 months ago but never finished, and decided to have a go at seeing what can be done with it.

I tried my best to make it a flexible as possible, but having problems getting all the wanted physics to work.
So it's not perfect.

I thought I post it as a journal as I didn't feel it was worth posting on an artpage, and that I already posted it on youtube.

It's only 10 seconds, so there not much to enjoy watching. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E7ObFccg8Lc

If you do read this and watch the video, please comment.

Sorry everyone, I'm cancelling the Leomon project.

The character is getting too complex for me.
And I can't seem to get myself motivated to do all the complex bone work again.

It was easier with Exveemon, because I had a bit more determination to get him to work.
Why I can't find the same determination for Leomon, I have no idea.

I tried to recycle what I have for the Exveemon, but it didn't work.
I'd wish there was an easier way to do the skinning/boning of a 3D character.


Sorry everyone, the even sadder news is that even if I was able to work on Leomon I'd wouldn't have much time, as my first job interview is on Monday and I want to get stuff ready.

To Braford Muscle fans out there, this journal may not for you.


Ok, to start I and many others have all seen the newest animation he posted to day on FA of his buff bear doing sit-up.

While I'm not jealous of his skills of modeling and high number of faves. (Let's face it he's Braford, there is no way anyone can beat him in that department. )
It's the comments he received that made me feel sad and doubtful of myself.

While scrolling through the comments, I kept seeing some of people saying. "Wow this is the most realistic animation ever" and such.
Some of these are from people who commented on my own animations.

So I kinda feel like the same people have lied to me about how good my animation are, (I know too well that they are not, and I asked everyone to be honest about the animation, not lie about it) and some make it sound like my animations are the best thing since...... (Need to think of something)

But there is also that fact I have lied to people about stuff I said.

What I mean by that is a while ago, I got a private note from a watcher saying how good my animations were.
Naturally, I told him about Braford's great work and that he's way better then me.
But.. the watcher replied saying that my animations were somehow better, more life you could say.

So I said this stupid theory, that might we both had opposite weaknesses.
That Braford lacked the Animations skills.
And I lacked the ability to do fantastic modeling. (Well I know that 2nd part is true at least.)

You can see for one stupid moment, I thought I might of had something that the famous Braford might have lacked. (I know I couldn't confirm it.)

A few days later another watcher said that Braford does Animating as a full time job, while we were chatting about animation.
Personally I didn't know this, as Braford is usually too busy to tell us about his personal life. (I still wish he could do a small biography of himself, it be interesting to read.)

And this morning when chatting to someguy on MSN, they made me question even more about my skill.
As they pointed out how poor my camera movements where and how I didn't have a storyboard.
Sadly he left before I could respond, and that I was a little upset on what he said.

I only did the Exveemon posing animation for fun.
No seriousness in the animation, just fun.
As I wasn't confident on how well Exveemon would move and work, as he had errors. And since my mum freaks out and complains when ever she finds a single muscle drawing, you can imagine her reactions if he found a entire storyboard of a flexing muscled digimon.
(I had to make sure she was out of the house when I made the 3D model and animate.)

Anyway, the whole point is that I'm unsure what people think about my skills. Some say I'm good, and some are saying I'm trying to hard and should quit.

Which makes me worry once again since I've now finished a 3year college course on Animation.
I got an Letter yesterday saying I qualify to get my degree and attend the graduation.
And with a possible animation job coming up.
I'm just feeling very doubtful right now.

Well I haven't been able to do much lately, because I've been sick.
So I've been putting off any 3D work since my headaches and tiredness are make it hard to concentrate.

Yeah, I rather do stuff when I'm healthy and not sick.


The other news is something I've been wanting to keep secret, but now I really want to tell it.

I can't say much, but a few days ago I got a phone call from an old teacher/producer, who saw some of my animation work and was interested in meeting up with me to discuss maybe a posible future job.

Of course nothing has happened yet, so I can't get over excited, but still, I'm nervous about as this might be my big breakthrough.

I really want to get this job, but it may mean I have to give up on 3D Exveemon and drawing for a while to prepare myself.
Oh god, soo much to sort out.

I should have posted this the other day.

But I like to thank everyone who faved my recent Exveemon animation.
I always had the goal of getting 50 faves in under one day and I achieved it!
Now lets see if I can get 100faves for the animation in a week.


Anyway where to go from here?
I've been very undecided, and have been requested to make all sorts of 3D models.

While I would like to make just one other muscle characters.
The issue is who, how, and if i want to do it.

If I make another, I'd need to do a lot of redoing to the model so that it looks different to Exveemon's.
This means, hands, feet, height, and so on.
Basically a new body structure, which I'm not keen, and would rather recycle when ever possible. (yeah I'm lazy)

But I don't think many would approve of 2 characters with the exactly the same body, height and such.
Plus I'd need to redo all muscle features like bouncing chest and biceps, but that's not a difficult feature, just tedious.

Anyway as for who, I kind hope to do a non dragon or dino.
I'd like to do Leomon, but I haven't been able to find a decent side picture of his face.
Plus his hair will be a major challenge.
And need to redesign the hands and feet.

Weregarurumon, I thought would be good, since he has similar 3 toe feet like XV, the only things I'd have to do is remove the wings and tail, which is very easy.
And give him new hands, a bit of a challenge but should be ok to do.
But like Leomon, I need to find some reference.


All the same, I'm very undecided, with all these requests coming popping everywhere, I've got no idea what to do.

ok, here is a suituation that is puzzling me lately.

To start, I use to have a friend1, but haven't seen for a very long time, due to a disagreement.

Last week, another friend2 said that friend1 desperatly wanted to speak to me again soon on MSN.


Now I haven't spoken to Friend1 for many month, and was suprised to hear that they wanted to talk to me.

So I log on and waited, and sure enough my old friend logged on,
I knew it would be a good idea for him to start the convo, since it was him who wanted to see me. (Plus I wasn't sure what to say since the fight, he was mad at me)

Anyway, I wait for him to speak, but it never happen.
After he logged off, I tried to send him an e-mail, only for it to bounce back saying that it couldn't be sent, my guess blocked becaused I tried about 3 times.

Now today I saw the friend again, but not for long since I was distracted with my 3D work, and as soon as I was about to say something, they logged off.

So here is what I can't understand, is if my friend was desperate to see me, why won't they say a word?

After a rough night sleep, I decided to stay here on FA.
OK, I may not be 100% happy still, but that's just me.
I know I should be more respectful and stay because it was my friends the reason I joined.


As I said before, ranting and spilling my emotions somehow makes me feel better, so I might as well continue to get it out of my system.
So if you don't want to read my rant, turn away now!


Ok to those who stayed to note, half of my mental breakdown yesterday was because of this artwork my friend received.

This is the artwork (Note: it is Adult stuff)
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1510245/

Yes the jealous reason is that I wish that it was me being pleasured by an Exveemon.
(Or better, me worshiping an Exveemon)

After all Exveefan is my username, and no one has drawn me doing anything fun (clean or adult) with an Exveemon in the past, (or at least I can remember.)

I do envy some of my friends as they are more lucky with getting giftarts then I am anyday.
And has many famous artists drawing freebees and commissions for him.

While yes, most do pay for many of what they receive.
It's just the freebee stuff that annoys me, I wish my requests were more successful at being chosen like theirs.

Heck if I was successful with any request I suggest, I'd draw the artist a free giftart in return for doing mine.
But the sad note is that counts as bribery.


I always hoped that whenever I draw a giftart for someone,
I have the hope that something good will come your way.

Like the saying, those who do good deeds will get rewarded for there hard work or generosity.
But I guess I think too much, and wrongly of the meaning.


I wish I could disable comments, because I don't want any comments now.
All I want to do is try and control myself.
Seriously, my brain is too messed up for me to think properly and I can still lash out when I don't mean to.

I'm going to try and spend the rest of the day doing house chores, maybe that will help calm me down.

For some reason everyone keeps thinking I had my wisdom teeth out.
(I really do question if people read my journals properly)

I clearly said that I had my wisdom teeth removed last year.
LAST YEAR EVERYONE, check my past journals if you need to.

I don't want to announce what I had done, but it clear I have no choice now.
So to clear things up, what I had operated on Monday is something that only men have.

There I said it, I didn't want to give clue and get in trouble in a public journal, but I'm tired of everyone saying, hope your Mouth gets better soon.
It's not my mouth that is in pain!!

Now I'm sure everyone is going to laugh at me now and write mean jokes about it.
So go ahead, I don't care anymore.

At least I can say I was brave enough to go through with it.

I'm sorry to be in a bad mood, but I'm in enough discomfort as it is with the stitches.

Yeah the title saids it all.
Now time for the slow recovery.
At least it's not as painful as I thought it would be.

It feels strange to have posted a Journal on DA saying how wonderful August is, and all the fun stuff that I'm doing.

Yet posting a Journal here on FA seems a little depressing.

Guess it's because of all the artworks to sort out, and seeing people who make me feel really down.


I have plenty of new artwork to post, but I kinda don't feel like posting them, since everyone is doing it now, and I don't wish for anyone to overlook my work.

Which I suppose is not unusual.


Also, if anyone with OC who can teach me to draw Hulking Muscle Bodies likes these:

http://www.furaffinity.net/full/1425107/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1297332/

Please post or note me.
Because I really want some help with getting proportions right.

Boy waiting for class marks is going to be hard for me this term.

Monday night I handed in my assignment.
And all I can think right now is the worry of it I'm going to pass or fail again.

Basically I tried my hardest to write the assignment to the questions on the sheet, and even looked at the sample essay the teacher provided us.

But once again, I feel like I haven't followed the teacher's needs.

Yes I'll admit that I'm a little paranoids, but as I posted in a previous journal. Since this essay is worth 30% of the grade I'm desperate to pass.

I suppose I better start on the assignment that is worth 50% of the grade.


On a side now, I like to thank those who applied to be my Daddy so far.
At the moment, I'm trying to figure out how to narrow down the list. (Not that I want to, but I only wish to have one Daddy for the moment)

I've got plenty of Bros, a Master, a servant, and a son.
But for the past few days kinda feel like I need a "Dad" from time to time.

It's hard to explain what I want exactly, except that I wish to have someone who is older then me, and has experience with life.

Well, the good news is that the animation studio was very kind enough to write a response to my request.
The bad news is that I would have to move to Canada in order to take the job.

So it's quite a huge thing to think about for the moment.


Monday night was horrible subject again.
And once again the teacher was not impressed with me.

He gave us a task to review the mechanics of a game, and a question sheet to follow by.
Sadly what I wrote as a response was not what the teacher wanted.

I followed the Questions as to what has been asked, and even gave up dinnertime once again to try and get them all done plus a powerpoint presentation.
(Yes the teacher expects a lot to be done in a short amount of time)

I was still finishing up the past few pages when the teacher returns and announced that my group was to go first.


Although the teacher said I was doing better then the first time I took the subject.
To be honest, I'm not happy with what he said.

He told me I got a high mark for last weeks class.
But they way he marks his class, all I got for that lesson was a high mark of 1.6%

To explain the marking of this subject
8% - Classwork for weeks 1 to 5 (1.6% tops for each lesson)
12% - Classwork for weeks 6 to 12 (2% tops for each lesson)
30% - First Essay
50% - Second Essay

So yeah, the marking make it feel like doing in ones in class feel very non-important.
I know people will say it's that 1% that will make the difference, but I wish class work grades could be a little higher, just so that I can have some more confident that I'm doing well in the subject.

Ok, a few minutes ago I sent an e-mail to a animation studio inquiring about if they have a studio Branch in Australia.

The reason, I want to see if I could get a job.
Because the studio has advertised an animation productions that I'm interested in.

However I kinds feel like I have done a stupid thing.
I've only just seen the ad, and are asking for show reels and resumes from CGI artists.

I know there is no harm in asking about location details.
But I feel like I've wasted there time since the studio is somewhere in Canada and probably only take applicants who can live in the country.

And I don't feel like I'm ready to leave Australian soil just yet.

Anyway, all I can do now is wait for a reply.

Today marks the passing of my friend Max from the Train club.
He died of cancer in 2006.
While he was old when he died, he was still a great man and friend, and I wish he could still be with us.

Just last Sunday, his wife sent me another collection of his old railway books, and I found myself reading them yesterday night.
It still feels nice to know that he use to talk about me when he is alive to his family.
And now, his wife talks a lot about me since his passing.

This morning I drove one of my toy trains while wearing my railways hat in his memory.
But I wish I knew a better way to mark my feeling towards his death.

I do wish to phone (or better see) his wife, but I'm not sure what to say.
Plus she is still recovering from an operation, so I don't wish to disturb her if she is sleeping.

Tomorrow is club running day, so maybe the other club members might be doing something.


I'm sorry if any of this sounded cheesy, but it's really hard to describe how I feel.

Well, I'm back in college for my final subject.
And already I feel like I'm doomed.

Partly because the teacher has failed me twice before in the subject I'm doing, and it was clear he wasn't to see me again for a third time.

Last night was our first lesson, we were working in groups.
(Doing all the stuff I have done before in the past)
While I could complain about some of the students I had to work with.

I kinda feel more upset with the teacher and how he had treated us.

I knew how tough he is as a marker so I spend a lot of the night trying my best to help with the slides.
And sadly had to skip out on the dinner brake to get everything done, it's either eat and possibly fail, or miss out and try to pass.

During the presentations, he was very nasty to one student, who I felt very sorry for, as I could see that they were trying there best.
(I even spoke to them at the end of the lesson as he looked a little down, My mum said to never bother with others, but I can't help it.)

And the teacher yelled at me for spelling errors, even though it was another student who wrote the slide. (They offered to help me since I was having a little bit of trouble with what I wanted to say)

And the teacher got picky about me calling him Sir, and said that I should call him by his proper name.
I suppose I could call him "Octopus Cow" since he told us that what his name translate to in some other language. (don't know which sorry)

But isn't saying Sir polite?
(To be honest, I rather call him Sir then his proper name, plus it's a habit I picked up since School when it was very rude to not say Sir, Miss and such)

In the end the teacher is not impress with what we had presented.
And I felt like I have failed the subject already.


I know the Teacher's views are very different to mine.
He has said that he is "Hard but Fair", and that if we have a problem we should talk to him. But I feel extremely nervous around him.

Next lesson, I'm debating whether to bring along a tape recorder or a video camera to record the lesson.
Mostly so that I can review some of the useful information he does supply from time to time. (I can't believe I just said that)


At the moment all I can do is try my best, and search for a game to play for my first assignment.

But as I noted in the past, if I fail this subject again, I will not get my Animation Degree.
(And my parents will be yelling at me for failing and wasting there money)

You know, for a long time of my life, I have never fully understood what my disorder meant.

I try my best to read the long lengthy descriptions but never got anywhere.
My parents would never tell me about it either.

So it wasn't until recently that I finally found web pages that have cut the details down and made it more clear for me to understand.

http://www.disability.vic.gov.au/dsonline/dsarticles.nsf/pages/Asperger's_syndrome?OpenDocument

After reading all this and several others, I've very much realized as to why I've been so confused over the years.
And why some of my actions have lead me to miserable outcomes.
Such as me being banned from SiF a long time back and recent arguments I had with a friend.
Though I suppose none of them will agree on this.

I know I can't fix the past, and will have to work hard to control my disorder in the future, but at least I have a little more understanding on why they happen.

You think I learn my lesson on life, but I don't.

Everytime I have a disagreement on something it always ends up as a big Drama.


So yeah, from now on I'm gonna try and post no more Journals.

Because my point is life is never gonna be understood by everyone else.


With all the drama that happens to me, it's a wonder why I'm not on one of those daytime TV Soap operas.


On another subject, I'm debating on removing some of my art.
Why? Because I'm thinking of creating a new account to separate my muscle and cute art.
I starting to dislike like the idea of having them together.

To my MSN friends who are joined Musclewolf and Dineegla's "Furocity Gym".
I have temporary put all on block until I can sort out my problems.

I don't know how you all will react, but all I can hope for is that I can still be friends with you all when I'm able to recover from my jealousy.


It's time I told the truth about my problem with my friends.

So to cover the story, Musclewolf and Dineegla had started a online Gym for Furries, and in order to join, you need to pay a small fee.
Because of this, (I can't join due to family issues), and seeing my several of my friends join, I started to grow jealous and a little hatred of my two friends for leaving me out.

Soon everything went even lower as me, Musclewolf and Dineegla have had our arguments over my stupidness of not accepting the facts of life.

So I have made this pubic so that everyone can see how stupid and foolish I am as a person, and that I'm sorry for what I have done to them.

They have done nothing wrong, it is me, and me alone.

I don't deserve anything, I don't deserve to have any friends. Not even my life.

If this leads me to losing my friends, and watchers, then I will understand.
If this leads to me being banned, I understand as well.
I'm already sad and ashamed of myself that I deserve the harsh punishments.

Once again, I'm sorry to everyone for what I've done.

This journal is all about me saying the Truth about what I have done, and nothing else.

I'm in the middle of a debate as to what to do on the 1st of June.


The first Sunday of each month, I got to the train club and help out with preparations for running the miniature trains for next week.

The first Sunday is also when the main lines run special steam tours, and this month they are going to use one that I want to examine as I wish to build a miniature replica.


The problem is that I have duties to do at the club that need to be attended.

Yet the steam tour is going to be rare as well, especially since the locomotive they are going to use doesn't get used often, and this could be a rare opportunity for me.

What to do? What to do?

Yay I got Wii Fit!!!

And I don't care if it's a waste of money.
Me and my mum have played it for over and hour and it is AWESOME!!!

Now the only thing I have to do is see if this game can really bulk me up, because it claims I'm underweight.
(Poor Mum got overweight.)

Most likely no, but we'll see how we go.


MSN is being a pain.
I always try my best to keep my address private.
But the past few days, I've been getting unknown people try to contact me.

I should probably need to change my address details.