"Compromise where you can. Where you can't, don't. Even if everyone is telling you that something wrong is something right. Even if the whole world is telling you to move, it is your duty to plant yourself like a tree, look them in the eye, and say, 'No, you move'."

I have no idea who's going to read this, if anyone at all. But if you are, thank you. Even if you're just curious, or if you're genuinely worried about how I'm doing, it's just... Nice to be heard.

I've had issues with self confidence for a long time. I've tried to minimize myself, for a long time, because I was worried that who I am was... Annoying, even problematic. That I had to do better, that I had to become more than I am before I was worth anyone's time. But that's not the case. For me, as well as most. We're all flawed, I think we've all hurt people we never wanted to hurt, just by being... Ourselves. And that can be scarring, that can make you doubt yourself. But... The fact is, we can never make sure we do no harm to anyone. It's impossible. But it's not impossible to heal that damage. It's important to realize you're flawed but it's just as important to understand that it's not an excuse. You don't get to say "I'm flawed, so are you, deal with it." We have a duty to improve, to grow, to make up for our own short-comings the best we can.

But you can't force people to heal. Not everyone you hurt will tell you, in fact most won't. From small slights that fade by themselves over time to big issues that are scary to bring up because... What if it turns into something worse? No matter what you'll always be on the back foot. And that can be hard, devastating even. All it takes is a streak of bad luck for things to pile up and.... You're done. The fact is, time doesn't heal all wounds. Untreated, they will fester, infect, scar in nasty ways. They'll stop bleeding, sure, but the healing will never be entirely complete. And if no one is willing to tell you how you're hurting them, then... It's almost impossible to do better. Change and growth requires guidance, requires input. I want to be challenged, I want my views and my actions under scrutiny because if they can't stand up to that, they're not worth keeping. I've changed a lot, my upbringing was pretty unpleasant, molded my mind in nasty ways, but I've triumphed countless times through that adversity, beaten my innate bias into submission and while most of it has faded there's still hints of unhealthy thinking in the background that I struggle with every day.

At the start of November my life changed. Drastically. My relationship went down in flames, despite my best efforts, at first to save it but then to just... Stay on friendly terms with the person I cared for. It was hard, it was a struggle, trying to piece everything together because no matter how much I scrutinized everything that happened I couldn't fully figure out what went wrong. Sure, I could come up with reasons but I couldn't make it all add up into such an explosive end. I realize now many of the mistakes I made, and many of the mistakes my counterpart made. It's easy to look back with hindsight and say "I shouldn't have done that" but the fact is, I did. It's who I was at the time, it's what I had to do, no one should blame me for making the decisions I did in good faith. And it was. Good faith from start to finish. With the knowledge I have now, just 10 days later, I would have acted very differently, I would have done better, and I will do better for everyone I know in the future. This has been a learning experience, one that I will always value.

But it's caused a lot of friction. I've changed quickly, drastically. I've learned a lot in a short time and... That's not how most people work, admittedly. It doesn't take as long for change to settle in me, it never has, and I'm proud of that, it's a trait I wouldn't give up for anything. I'm extremely empathetic, and flexible, almost... Moldable. It's something I have to be careful with because knowingly or not people will take advantage. If you give it, they will take it. And worse yet, if you have been giving it, and you need to stop, if you need to stand your ground and become rigid, just for a little while, just to deal with trauma, mental health issues, extreme life changes... No matter how much you can give it'll never be as much as you were. And some people will resent you for it. After so long lying down how dare you now stand up?

I can't do better for people who don't give me a chance to do better by them. Healing requires trust, and unfortunately I seem to have trouble building that with people. I'm an introvert, I keep to myself a lot, and every now and then I come out of the woodwork full of energy, recharged, ready to take the world by storm. If I'm around people I trust I'm exceptionally open, I expose my core and let it all breathe. It leads to mistakes. It leads to hurt. You drop your guard, you fuck up. I understand my limitations, my emotions, but it can be hard to judge how it affects others. And while I attempt to build this open image of myself, someone that anyone can come to, if they need help, or if they need to talk, about something I did or something completely out of my control, I'm always there for people. But I can't force anyone to take advantage of that, I can't make people engage with me and I have problems engaging with others because of my introversion and my self-doubt issues.

I don't want to cause drama and I'm not going to start naming names. A lot of these people, are people that I've hurt. I understand that, and I want to do better, but I can't do that in isolation. Yesterday I was booted from the community I held most dear. I disagree with the reasons, I wish I had been given a chance to explain myself, to heal the people I had hurt, to do better before getting thrown away. I understand that while it felt like the right call, emotionally, for them to make me leave, if they had wanted me to stay then they could've had that too. I am ever willing to admit wrong-doing, even if it's by accident. But I can't do better when a "List of 4 people I don't feel comfortable naming" all feel uncomfortable around me, without having... Told me that, I'm left cornered, without agency.

And maybe that's a hot take. Maybe "If someone is hurt, they should tell you, so you can do better" is not the 'right opinion'
I understand that a lot of people in the furry community at large have suffered trauma, from unhealthy family members to stigma from others. I understand that more people than not, have the background of "No matter how much I talked to the people that hurt me, it only ever hurt more"
But the fact is, as long as all parties mean well, as long as everyone wants to fix their mistakes, fix their hurt, then... We have to come together and talk, communicate.

I don't want to put an undue burden on the people I've made victims of, of those I have hurt. But I want to do better, I have good intent, I'm ready to heal. And I need at least an inkling of trust, some way inside, to make good on that intent.

It's been traumatic. For me to be treated as if I've had bad intent. And I have, for the last 10 days, I have. No matter how much the people I cared about told me that "They'd still be your friend" and "Wouldn't tell anyone you're abusive", the fact is I've not been afforded the trust necessary to do better, I've not had the resources to mend any of these wounds. Because they've been treating me like an abuser, even if they don't want to spread the word. And they've not afforded me the trust or good will one should a friend.

There's a couple of people who have stood by me. Been my rock in these hard times. To those, I say thank you. I appreciate it more than I can ever express.
To everyone else, I say... I hope some day we can heal. I hope to be back, I do. I understand why I'm being treated like this, even if I think it's unfair, even if I think the majority is wrong. It's okay to be wrong. It's okay to make mistakes. I did, and I expect forgiveness, a chance to prove myself better. And you all deserve the same. But I have to stand by my beliefs, by who I am. I know that what I've done, what I am doing, is the right thing. That doesn't make anyone else wrong. They're doing what they're doing because they think it's right, they have good intent.

I just wish I was afforded the same courtesy, the assumption of good intent. Because it's been preciously rare.

Thank you for reading.