Whoah, it's already that time of the year? Your... Bi-yearly-ish update on the goings on of my life. (Can we just appreciate how bi-yearly means both twice a year, and once every two years? English, a wonderful language) This might be a long one, there's been quite a few things going on, and I'm going to make a big old promise to myself that I'm probably going to break, but at least if I put it in public I can peer pressure myself into trying to live up to it! The joys of writing what is basically a public diary.

Let's put down a quick table of contents for organizations sake.
- Work Life
- Future Endeavors
- Mental Health
- Life Goals and how to get there.

Kicking us off, my Work Life has been pretty alright. I took a pretty serious cut in hours and pay around the New Year, I work in a pretty seasonal industry, but that's allowed me a lot of time to just... Relax, and work on a cute little endeavor you're going to hear about soon. My bank account is... Fine, but my luxury expenses have been curtailed a bit, and as such, the rate of acquiring art has dropped. (Not to mention, I'm very bad at uploading my art to FA, it's effort.) This'll probably be the case for at least the next 2.5 years, as well. I'll probably make exceptions only for really good deals, or getting art with people I'm close to. The good news is, winter is over, spring is here, and summer is rapidly approaching. That means the seasonal high, and that means my hours being doubled, with my pay following suit. And as soon as the seasonal high is over, I'll... Be resigning. I've worked this job for around 8 years, and it's time for me to move on. What'll I be moving on to? Well, let's see!

Future Endeavors
It's been a real hassle, and honestly, along the road, I've had my doubts. Which means, most of this has been happening in the background with only very close friends getting semi-regular updates. But as the pieces fall into place, I feel more comfortable talking about it openly. I had to go to a Psych, get my ADHD diagnosis formally revoked, and in exchange... I've got a class 1 medical aviation certificate. I'm going to become a pilot! I believe I've got the economic plan down to the last few details now as well, as I've been in talks with the bank that works closely with the place I aim to study at. It's a 2 year integrated course, and by the end, I'll be IR, CPL, Multicrew and all kinds of fun certified. I'll be honest, becoming a student again, at 26, is terrifying. But aviation is a huge passion of mine, and becoming a pilot is a dream that I will pursue until I no longer can. I'm aiming to start in August, right after stopping my current job, and that means Summer 2025 is my goal to graduate with my wings. It's exciting, and terrifying, but this is a career, a life, that I want to earn for myself.

Mental Health
So, how've I been doing? Honestly, some days, great, others? Not so much. The bad days hit out of nowhere, like they always do, but at least they hit with less force, and less often. They don't cripple me, but they do give me a big dose of anxiety. I simultaneously want to isolate myself, and cuddle up to someone who'll keep me safe. I usually put on some music, try to calm my nerves, and just walk through all the reasons I'm anxious, and all the reasons I shouldn't be. It doesn't always work, but having a process helps in and of itself. I'm doing better than I was, and I'm getting back my confidence, slowly but surely. I still feel the need to fill as little space as possible. I lurk in group chats, I still don't DM people, basically ever, from just social anxiety alone. I'm happy to respond to the messages I get, happy to keep up conversation when someone else starts it. But something as simple as introducing myself to people that I want to get to know? Basically impossible still. At this point I'm not sure when I'll relearn these skills. But I'm still unabashedly myself, always. And I'm going to try to branch out more, fill more space. It's gonna be hard, and I'm gonna fail a lot. But maybe in... What, a years time, I'll be able to meet new people, and actually act on that little voice in my head that says "Hey, spend more time with this person!"

Which brings us to... What are my current goals, outside of my career pursuits?
Having the next few years of my work / study life figured is all well and good, but there's more to life than the 9 to 5. My personal life is still... In rough shape. Coming up to a year and a half since my big ol' messy break up, and most of the people that 'disowned' me back then have still kept quiet. Some of the communities I shared with them straight up kicked me, and others, I myself choose to leave in one way or another. Which ended up with me having very little community left. The joys of dating within the fandom, when your relationship blows up and suddenly 20 people hate your guts, it gets very hard to find a place you're comfortable in, whether that hate is justified or not. Hell, even today, right now, some of my best friends, have best friends that hate me. And that means I don't get to have a tight knit community. That means I get to stay in the outer orbits of some of the people I like spending time with the most, because for them to drag me closer, would be to invite conflict and drama that neither of us want. That means, when I get an invite to a Discord server, I have to have a panic attack in case me hitting that 'join' button is about to cause another "event".

And frankly I'm tired of it. I'm tired of feeling like I can't partake in spaces that I want to partake in, because there are people in those spaces who don't understand how to handle their own feelings, and deal with the conflict in their lives. So that's the promise I'm going to make to myself, the promise that I'm not going to give a shit who makes a fuss when I join a space. If they have a problem with me, they can sort it with me, or they can keep it to themselves. But I know that people are going to talk, I know rumors are going to spread, I know that the people who don't like me, will feel like they have to spread that dislike so they don't have to deal with me. But if that's what's going to happen, then it's what's going to happen. I'm gonna start taking up space again, I'm gonna start branching out again. I'm going to just... Be where I want to be in these sub-communities, and whatever fall-out that causes, I'll deal with it. That's my promise to myself, stop worrying about who will start a panic when you join a space. Because I know who I am, and I know that I'm not the person these people have made up in their minds, the person these people knew almost 2 years ago now.

I'm tired of being lonely, I'm tired of not having a tight knit community. I'm tired of being on the outer orbits of these friend circles, so I'm going to stop worrying, and start branching out. I'm going to become a problem, and I'm going to revel in it, not because I want to make people uncomfortable, but because I want to prove to myself and others that I'm a positive force in the world, in these spaces. Among other things I'll try to become active on F-Chat again, ( https://www.f-list.net/c/felix%20azure/ ), because I actually really enjoy it. I'm going to try to just... Exist more. Even if there are people that wish I'd just get off the internet for good, I'm tired of trying to appease them. I do exist, and I deserve to. I've always told myself, if someone's made up their mind about you, it's not on you to change their mind. You just have to keep doing what you're doing, and eventually, they'll look like fools. And I haven't been living up to that, in part because... Well, this community has a thing about gossip spreading like wildfire and becoming fact. And I've just been trying to avoid it, but I've been making myself miserable doing it, and I'm not going to do it anymore. And if that causes a few scandals, well, it'll be an exciting future at least. And at least then there'll be less dumb tension in the air everywhere I go.

I exist, and it's time to start proving it to the world. I'll hopefully see you out there! Have a good one. ^v^