Doubt I'll make a habit of this but I figure I should at least put something a bit more up to date up. The time leading up to and away from the New Year have been a real rollercoaster, and in a lot of ways I'm in a much better place, though there are certainly parts of myself I have to work hard on, harder than I've ever had to. Despite feeling like I'm in a very good place most days, there are bouts of anxiety, depression and frankly at times dread. And it's hard for me to feel like those feelings are entirely valid when an hour later I can be in a perfectly fine place again.

Yet there's no doubt in my rational mind that, of course what I feel is valid, even if it only rears its ugly head on occasion. Though just because it's valid does not mean it's not irrational, and there are certainly large parts of my anxiety that come from irrationality, though it's grounded in trauma, both recent and long standing. I wish I could fight it, I wish I could get better, faster. I have the energy to do it, I have the spirit, but it's hard to attack a problem that's not grounded entirely in reality.

Another issue is where the anxiety lies. My RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, a very common and frankly torturous part of ADHD)
It's gotten really bad, worse than it's ever been. There's a stark contrast between my newly gained self-confidence, my sense of worth, versus an ever present drone in the back of my head telling me that... No one cares about me. That despite all the good I do, all the potential I have, my willingness to be of help, to support, to just be a friend, no one can see it. That I'm a burden, that the people who take the time to talk to me do so out of... Some weird twisted pity. That the people I talk to only take the time out of day because they'd rather play along than confront me about how they'd rather not be bothered.

And that's not really fair to them. I love my friends, I appreciate every single one, even if they don't have the energy for me, even if they do but just happen to be busy with something else. I know how hard it can be to be social, to talk to people, to keep up. But I've been burned so many times, had so many people call me a friend and yet... Stab me in the back when it really mattered. It's scarring. It's frustrating. I was born with this fucking idea that nobody likes me, and I've spent so much of my life trying to teach myself that it's wrong yet I suffer these incredible setbacks because, no matter how irrational the thought of "Nobody actually likes you" is, the fact is... There are people out there who will, who will play along, who will make promises they can't keep, who won't set up healthy boundaries and resent you when you unknowingly cross them. People that will judge you for your actions even when you're having a terrible day, even when you're lashing out in anger, in fear. No matter how justified it might be.

And they're so few and far between. But when you've learnt that even people you considered close friends will do it? You... You never feel safe. You always feel the need to double check, to triple check. And I don't want to put that on my friends, I don't want to be the guy that asks "Do you actually like me?" "I'm not annoying, right?" "Please tell me if I'm doing something wrong"

But... Maybe I have to be. At least for a little while. Because it's going to take me time to rebuild that confidence, not my confidence in my own worth but the confidence that others can see that worth. That my worth is important enough to others. I need to build healthy relationships, I need to dismiss these irrational fears, I need to build up my mental health, I need to start working around my RSD in healthy ways again.


But it's hard. I'm trying to make more of a habit of opening conversations with people, checking in now and again. But I'm still terrified to ask anyone to spend time with me. To hang out. I still have second thoughts every time I talk to someone, every time I take up space, no matter how little. And the fact is, rationally, I know I shouldn't be so afraid. That I should take up space, that I should make myself known, and that if anyone has a problem with it, it's not on me if they're not going to say. There's a fine line between taking up a suitable amount of space and being straight up obnoxious but frankly I think it would be almost impossible for me to reasonably overstep that line anytime soon.

It still hurts when I go weeks without hearing from people I love, yet the simple solution is to engage with them. And that's very hard for me, and it will continue to be for a long time. But I'll at least take solace that no matter how bad I might feel, no matter how much my brain'll take the irrational route of "They just don't like you enough to say hi regularly", I'll never sink to the point of blaming people for not engaging with me. No matter how bad it might make me feel. Because I have ways to take charge, to engage. And I don't have a perfect idea of what's going on in the lives of the people around me, why they might not have the time, or energy, or just happened to forget, to check in now and again.

There are people in my life who've hurt me, who'll never be accountable for that hurt. There are people in my life who've hurt me, who maybe years from now will realize and come to make amends. There're people I've hurt, that I've tried in vain to reconcile with. There's so many loose ends, things that keep my mind occupied that I need to just... Let go.

I can only do my best, I can only be me, I can only be confident in my growth, my skills, my compassion, my worth. I'm my own worst critic, I always will be, I'll keep growing, I'll keep being accountable, I'll keep changing for the better.

And I will, slowly but surely, start taking up more space. Because I know I'm worth it. And that the people who want the best for me will cheer me on, be it silently or out loud.

My life is headed good places. I'm in no rush. I'll slowly but surely get my issues sorted. Keep growing, keep changing for the better.

And to everyone else, I'll say this: You have worth, and it's not dictated by your worth to others, you are loved, in ways you might not even know, and the world is better for having you in it. Stay strong, move forward, keep growing.

Cheers ^v^