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State of the Gryphon Nov 2022
3 years ago
Alternative title: Late night thoughts that I need to get out of my head to go to sleep, so may as well write them down.
It's also been a year since I wrote the first of these, and quite long still since the most recent all the way back in Feb. Been a wild ride since, some ups and downs. Mostly though, things have been looking up.
It'll be my birthday in a couple days. Nov 29. I'll be 26. Time keeps tickin'. I've got no real plans for the day but I'll be seeing family for most of tomorrow, so it's a chill time. Been on paid time off the last 2 weeks and will be the next week too. Just taking a vacation to nowhere to cool down a bit. Work is busy, kind of frustrating but pays well. Though my working situation will change in the coming year, one way or another. More on that further down.
I'm still pretty lonely, outside of good relations with my family. I've got a couple close friends, and many people who truly are dear to me. But it's never felt like I had... A real close knit squad, to be part of. Frankly I've never felt that way. When I've been in relationships they tend to take up a lot of my social budget, and honestly I prefer it that way. I'm not particularly clingy, as such, but what little social energy I can manage I prefer to spend with the closest people I've got. And yeah that's on me, even if I've got excuses, I can't expect someone to come along and adopt me into their tight knit friend group. I need to make an effort of my own, and honestly after almost a year of just... Letting the chips fall where they may, I finally feel somewhat ready to start making more of an effort. I'm always gonna be an introvert though, it'll never be effortless. But I've finally got the spare spoons.
Took a vacation to Texas back in the summer, met a couple friends. Had more involved plans but they sort of fell through. Still, got to see some nice sights and hang out with some of my favorite people so not a massive loss. The change of plans took a little bite out of my wallet though, not so far that I've been in trouble but certainly wishing I had a little more spending money. As a result I've been getting little to no art for a while now. That'll probably continue, too. If things go well, my finances will be tighter than ever. Funny contradiction that, huh? If things go well, I'll be strapped for cash for a while.
So why is that? Well it's related to the possible new working situation mentioned above. With my recently renewed motivation and energy I've been getting my ass back into gear. Looking into options, leaving my current work situation for something I'm more passionate about. Aviation. If luck's on my side, come February next year I'll be a student pilot. If I'm not lucky... Well, I've already got my Class 1 Medical signed off on, so it's just a matter of time. Finances are the big roadblock, and I'll be speaking to my bank on my birthday, of all days, to see about getting some kind of student loan set up. Being a pilot has always seemed a bit out of reach for me, but I finally started looking into it proper, doing a little risk assessment and then just... Going for it. Worst case I waste a little more of my salary getting some fancy paperwork, best case? Dream job.
The big worry going in was my ADHD diagnosis. I've been unmedicated since my teens, and the symptoms that affect my ability to be a pilot, anger management, attention issues, hyperactivity, those traits are things that I've been working on improving big time. Some of those issues barely ever presented in the first place. Now? It's sounding like I'm either gonna have the diagnosis straight up reversed or just stamped "Mild enough to be a non-issue". Exciting news. I still identify strongly with many aspects of my ADHD, but I've never considered it a "Learning disability" or similar. It just doesn't present like that in me.
That's basically all of the big news. Housecleaning items follow.
Ukraine war has been... A thing. I saw the build-up during February and immediate prepared for the news. And ever since the invasion, my eyes have been on the conflict almost daily. My heart goes out to all the people of Ukraine, and those caught in the chaos as Russia itself burns to the ground. My heart breaks every time I hear of more terror bombing, of more of my Ukrainian friends losing access to power, water, other utilities. Every life lost is a tragedy, but I wholeheartedly support the Ukrainian effort to take back their lands with whatever force may be necessary. I hope for a swift end but it seems clear that negotiations are a long shot as long as Putin remains in power.
In more lighthearted news, Elon bought out Twitter, and is proceeding to basically raze it to the ground. Whether or not it'll recover is up in the air, but hey, such is life. As always, most of my socials are publicly available and open to anyone. Come say hi :> I'm not exactly a social genius but I'm an optimistic, happy go lucky guy who's maybe not always got much to say.
In yet other news, still getting shunned by more people than I can count to. Some for which I know the reason, some I don't. And I'll freely admit to making plenty of mistakes ever since I materialized in the community, though none so great as to deserve coordinated action. Yet still it persists. Long time friends who suddenly ghosted me after my relationship blew up, who never took the time to get back in touch after the embers burned out. People who formed their opinion of me long before even meeting me, intending never to meet me at all. I still run hypothetical situations in my head now and again, through conversations that will probably never happen with people I'll never speak to again.
Though surprisingly I have started chatting occasionally to some people I had previously written off. Life's full of twists and turns. Either way I can finally start thinking of the past without cringing. Without wishing I could go back and change things. Without taking twisted pleasure in all the ways those people's lives went off the rails after we parted. Not proud of that last one, but when people've treated you like trash, you gotta take solace where you can. Yet still I truly believe that no matter who tries to talk to me, old or new, friend or foe, I can greet them with positivity and respect.
These people tried to tear me down, yet all they did was reinforce me. And frankly I appreciate it, it gave me a fresh perspective on my own actions, on my own traits. Which things needed to go, which needed to stay. Because don't get me wrong, I wasn't perfect. Still am not. Yet I'm closer to being who I want to be, who I want the people around me to be. Understanding, accepting, supportive.
I hope you all have a good one. Much love <3
It's also been a year since I wrote the first of these, and quite long still since the most recent all the way back in Feb. Been a wild ride since, some ups and downs. Mostly though, things have been looking up.
It'll be my birthday in a couple days. Nov 29. I'll be 26. Time keeps tickin'. I've got no real plans for the day but I'll be seeing family for most of tomorrow, so it's a chill time. Been on paid time off the last 2 weeks and will be the next week too. Just taking a vacation to nowhere to cool down a bit. Work is busy, kind of frustrating but pays well. Though my working situation will change in the coming year, one way or another. More on that further down.
I'm still pretty lonely, outside of good relations with my family. I've got a couple close friends, and many people who truly are dear to me. But it's never felt like I had... A real close knit squad, to be part of. Frankly I've never felt that way. When I've been in relationships they tend to take up a lot of my social budget, and honestly I prefer it that way. I'm not particularly clingy, as such, but what little social energy I can manage I prefer to spend with the closest people I've got. And yeah that's on me, even if I've got excuses, I can't expect someone to come along and adopt me into their tight knit friend group. I need to make an effort of my own, and honestly after almost a year of just... Letting the chips fall where they may, I finally feel somewhat ready to start making more of an effort. I'm always gonna be an introvert though, it'll never be effortless. But I've finally got the spare spoons.
Took a vacation to Texas back in the summer, met a couple friends. Had more involved plans but they sort of fell through. Still, got to see some nice sights and hang out with some of my favorite people so not a massive loss. The change of plans took a little bite out of my wallet though, not so far that I've been in trouble but certainly wishing I had a little more spending money. As a result I've been getting little to no art for a while now. That'll probably continue, too. If things go well, my finances will be tighter than ever. Funny contradiction that, huh? If things go well, I'll be strapped for cash for a while.
So why is that? Well it's related to the possible new working situation mentioned above. With my recently renewed motivation and energy I've been getting my ass back into gear. Looking into options, leaving my current work situation for something I'm more passionate about. Aviation. If luck's on my side, come February next year I'll be a student pilot. If I'm not lucky... Well, I've already got my Class 1 Medical signed off on, so it's just a matter of time. Finances are the big roadblock, and I'll be speaking to my bank on my birthday, of all days, to see about getting some kind of student loan set up. Being a pilot has always seemed a bit out of reach for me, but I finally started looking into it proper, doing a little risk assessment and then just... Going for it. Worst case I waste a little more of my salary getting some fancy paperwork, best case? Dream job.
The big worry going in was my ADHD diagnosis. I've been unmedicated since my teens, and the symptoms that affect my ability to be a pilot, anger management, attention issues, hyperactivity, those traits are things that I've been working on improving big time. Some of those issues barely ever presented in the first place. Now? It's sounding like I'm either gonna have the diagnosis straight up reversed or just stamped "Mild enough to be a non-issue". Exciting news. I still identify strongly with many aspects of my ADHD, but I've never considered it a "Learning disability" or similar. It just doesn't present like that in me.
That's basically all of the big news. Housecleaning items follow.
Ukraine war has been... A thing. I saw the build-up during February and immediate prepared for the news. And ever since the invasion, my eyes have been on the conflict almost daily. My heart goes out to all the people of Ukraine, and those caught in the chaos as Russia itself burns to the ground. My heart breaks every time I hear of more terror bombing, of more of my Ukrainian friends losing access to power, water, other utilities. Every life lost is a tragedy, but I wholeheartedly support the Ukrainian effort to take back their lands with whatever force may be necessary. I hope for a swift end but it seems clear that negotiations are a long shot as long as Putin remains in power.
In more lighthearted news, Elon bought out Twitter, and is proceeding to basically raze it to the ground. Whether or not it'll recover is up in the air, but hey, such is life. As always, most of my socials are publicly available and open to anyone. Come say hi :> I'm not exactly a social genius but I'm an optimistic, happy go lucky guy who's maybe not always got much to say.
In yet other news, still getting shunned by more people than I can count to. Some for which I know the reason, some I don't. And I'll freely admit to making plenty of mistakes ever since I materialized in the community, though none so great as to deserve coordinated action. Yet still it persists. Long time friends who suddenly ghosted me after my relationship blew up, who never took the time to get back in touch after the embers burned out. People who formed their opinion of me long before even meeting me, intending never to meet me at all. I still run hypothetical situations in my head now and again, through conversations that will probably never happen with people I'll never speak to again.
Though surprisingly I have started chatting occasionally to some people I had previously written off. Life's full of twists and turns. Either way I can finally start thinking of the past without cringing. Without wishing I could go back and change things. Without taking twisted pleasure in all the ways those people's lives went off the rails after we parted. Not proud of that last one, but when people've treated you like trash, you gotta take solace where you can. Yet still I truly believe that no matter who tries to talk to me, old or new, friend or foe, I can greet them with positivity and respect.
These people tried to tear me down, yet all they did was reinforce me. And frankly I appreciate it, it gave me a fresh perspective on my own actions, on my own traits. Which things needed to go, which needed to stay. Because don't get me wrong, I wasn't perfect. Still am not. Yet I'm closer to being who I want to be, who I want the people around me to be. Understanding, accepting, supportive.
I hope you all have a good one. Much love <3
Ssevherra Nurriiddha
~thatdamnbirbderg
Well heck, glad to see ye are still doing okay, even if I am definitely one of those people who disappeared over time. Still remember ye from forever ago jn Gryphon Flockers over on telegram though!
