So, today nothing special happened. And what I was about to talk about is my tulpa, Rene. She's a pony (like... from mlp) in green colors, pretty much a copy of Forest Rain's (a brony musician) OC, with slight differences. Many of you, furies know what "Tulpa" is? In short, it's an imaginary friend that grownups are purposely making. It takes some drugs or sleep depravation (my case) to kinda mess up your mind and drive you crazy for a bit, or you couldn't convince yourself, that your friend is real and is completely separated person from you. You can find some horror stories of how badly it turned out to be for some people, so don't you do that just cz you're bored. And it’s a very hard process as well. I was desperate at the moment, looking for any person to relay on, to talk to, but couldn’t find one. From my 11 I think of ending it all forever, and in a manly manner… you couldn’t tell differences until I just make the jump, I’ve never told anyone about it, but I was so close to doing it at my 15…
And then “Radio everypony.ru” kinda saved me. There was unannounced translation about what tulpa is, there where couple of guests, how told me about how it was, how it’s done, how it’s different for every person and you have to pretty much find your own way in creating tulpa. Sadly, I couldn’t find recording of it ever since. But I’v got everything already, so… ok… that’s fine… thanks Idem_id (who made that translation), maybe you saved my life at that point in 2015. Mb I should send some gift to him and his Twilight? Hah… don’t think I can reach out to Ukrainian guy from Russia now, can’t I?
I’v been working on Rene for two weeks, at first… I’ve made my wonderland, empty black void, where I was floating. Then it was just bright green ball of energy to which I’ve been talking to. And then Rene was born! A cute little filly! She wasn’t talking for a while, and couldn’t understand that it’s kinda not fine, that no one but me can see her, it was fine to HER, she just had her childhood period, to collect info on this world and how it works.
Month later, we were talking nonstop for hours at home and on my way and from school. I was and still is kinda sorry that I brough hert to this cruel world just to amuse myself… like… she has NO CHANCE of becoming fully separate person in her own flesh and blood, do her own things, find her love or anything… and I’m so sorry for that… yet even now she’s saying that it’s all fine. I’m still not sure if she says so because she doesn’t want to feel bad, or because it really is that way. She says that there are many-many benefits in been tulpa, no need in anything, for example, the ability to just sleep for years and other stuff like that.
And so she saved me from killing myself… she really just sleeps most of the time now, we see each other from time to time, just saying hi like old buddies.
Looking at this now… doesn’t it sounds like life just has been so hard on guy and he is now just crazy unconscious wiredo happy in his own little world. And… is it okey? Or am I crazy and could be dangerous to society suddenly? I’m not seen things, there’s no voices in my head telling me to kill people, only kind heart Rene. But what if..?
And now baby side of me I’m, discovering this days… it makes me feel like... like a sick animal that should be putted down… tried putting bow-pin on my head today… and I look ugly… this shadows under eyes, this look in my eyes… I’m scary, not cute at all.

Who's gonna stop from throwing some music here?! I like all of Prince's songs, but 4R Restoration - Reclamation - Reparation - Retaliation I'v repeated them many times today. Just wanna brake things kind of mood today! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Mj_s_Yt6BI