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Never connecting
a year ago
Been a long time, hah? Dear diarrreeee, because nobody ever read my shit, never commented, never had any interest in me, because la-la-la, you know, nothing changed from the last journal I wrote. I still doubt I should exist.
But well, it got worse. Why? Because I started to ask people more actively, you know like "hey, if no one writes me, I should do it first!". And every time I'm ignored hits like truck. But even if Im not ignored, we talk for some time, and then there is nothing to talk about anymore and we stop. Like... I always feel like I failed to build connection, or I just don't interest this person enough. And I donno, is that just American thing to just be gone in a middle of a diolog!? Or furrie's? Or am I just so unlucky and worthless that everyone feels like you can just randomly stop responding? And never explain anything. I got angry enough onec to ask staight for an explanation from someone. So... what was it? "Sorry just got distracted and I tend to have a hard time getting back to stuff" Mm... nice.
Another time I met with someone very cool on vrc, but well... after like a week he started to hang with his boyfriend instead of me, and when I joined, I was asked to quit onec, tiwce... I thought I should give some space and he'll text me something like "hey! I'm free now, long time no see! Come to my world, we should hand out, I miss you!" but no. Just no message... ever...
So now most reacently I'v decided to go on F-chat, and look for someone to try and RP with. I'm not very much hooked up on RP. Like... ok, I am sub. You are dom. You do something with me and I can't resist, or forced to obey. So... my every post would look like "I obey", "I do just that". To engage in good RP I have to really come up with something and it's hard and kinda ruines the dinamic of "helpless silly week sub, powerfull smart strong dom".
BACK TO THE POINT! So I found some wonderful lesbian person who was willing to engage in RP if I play girl as well. And I like playing a girl, heck I want to be a girl, tho genger tranition is not against the law in Russia, THANKS TO MY GOOD PEOPLE OF RUSSA VOTING FOR PUTIN AGAIN AND AGAIN AND ASKING TO BRING BACK LAW ABOUT 7 YEARS OF PRISON FOR BEING GAY, FUCK YOU ALL I HATE RUSSIA!!! Hm, tho they did brought it back, like you know, they made it so LGBT = ISIS, exteimist orgonization, 7 year for participating. So yeah, it's illegal to be ME now, cz yeah, I'm in LGBTQ+
BACK TO THe poin.. t... what was I about? Oh! yes the war on Ukrain is the fucking RUINING BOTH OF OUR COUNTRIES EVERY DAY FOR FOR LONG? 2? 3 YEARS? EVERY DAY HUNDRETS OF PEOPLE DIE, HUNDRETS OF MILLIONS OF RUBLES GO TO WASTE, TO DO KILLING TO DO WAR, WHILE I CAN't AFFORD NEW CLOTHES, HUNDRETS OF LIVES, HUNDRETS OF MILLIONS IN ONE DAY. EVERY DAY OF I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW LONG... no... wait, it wasn't the point?
BACK TO THE POINT so we RP for like 3 pretty long sessions, I'm thinking it's going very good. But all of a sudden we just stop, I'm telling that I'm avalible. Ow, and once I quckly made a slappy sketch of our RP sceens. She was amazed, she really liked it. I tell that I can continue at any time she is ready. But... she never wrote in a week. So I spent 8 hrs working on a very good art of another sceene. Sent it to her, expecting some blast of emoitions and saying thet I am absolutely free, and can fo RP at any any moment. And so responce was? There was none. So I go again like "Aaand how are you doing?" Ok, I got something "Doing good thanks. And good work on the art"
Why do I feel like I'm unwanted? BOOM, I SPENT HOURS WORKING ON THIS, ONLY FOR YOU, I WAS THINKING ABOUT TOU ALL THE WAY. And all you have to say this time... is "good work on the art". After I poke you extra time... I'm afraid to ask her now for anything, I don't want to be a bother, jusmping around poking her like "go RP? go RP?!" Or "What do you think of expression? The shading! I was reallly thinking of how it would make you feel, and I deliver the feeling?" And such stuff. I really really want to be friend with her! REALLY! She is kind, smart, she's dominating but still cares about MY experience. She is wonderfull person! But she... just don't want to be frends or trust me I guess? I don't know.
But well, it got worse. Why? Because I started to ask people more actively, you know like "hey, if no one writes me, I should do it first!". And every time I'm ignored hits like truck. But even if Im not ignored, we talk for some time, and then there is nothing to talk about anymore and we stop. Like... I always feel like I failed to build connection, or I just don't interest this person enough. And I donno, is that just American thing to just be gone in a middle of a diolog!? Or furrie's? Or am I just so unlucky and worthless that everyone feels like you can just randomly stop responding? And never explain anything. I got angry enough onec to ask staight for an explanation from someone. So... what was it? "Sorry just got distracted and I tend to have a hard time getting back to stuff" Mm... nice.
Another time I met with someone very cool on vrc, but well... after like a week he started to hang with his boyfriend instead of me, and when I joined, I was asked to quit onec, tiwce... I thought I should give some space and he'll text me something like "hey! I'm free now, long time no see! Come to my world, we should hand out, I miss you!" but no. Just no message... ever...
So now most reacently I'v decided to go on F-chat, and look for someone to try and RP with. I'm not very much hooked up on RP. Like... ok, I am sub. You are dom. You do something with me and I can't resist, or forced to obey. So... my every post would look like "I obey", "I do just that". To engage in good RP I have to really come up with something and it's hard and kinda ruines the dinamic of "helpless silly week sub, powerfull smart strong dom".
BACK TO THE POINT! So I found some wonderful lesbian person who was willing to engage in RP if I play girl as well. And I like playing a girl, heck I want to be a girl, tho genger tranition is not against the law in Russia, THANKS TO MY GOOD PEOPLE OF RUSSA VOTING FOR PUTIN AGAIN AND AGAIN AND ASKING TO BRING BACK LAW ABOUT 7 YEARS OF PRISON FOR BEING GAY, FUCK YOU ALL I HATE RUSSIA!!! Hm, tho they did brought it back, like you know, they made it so LGBT = ISIS, exteimist orgonization, 7 year for participating. So yeah, it's illegal to be ME now, cz yeah, I'm in LGBTQ+
BACK TO THe poin.. t... what was I about? Oh! yes the war on Ukrain is the fucking RUINING BOTH OF OUR COUNTRIES EVERY DAY FOR FOR LONG? 2? 3 YEARS? EVERY DAY HUNDRETS OF PEOPLE DIE, HUNDRETS OF MILLIONS OF RUBLES GO TO WASTE, TO DO KILLING TO DO WAR, WHILE I CAN't AFFORD NEW CLOTHES, HUNDRETS OF LIVES, HUNDRETS OF MILLIONS IN ONE DAY. EVERY DAY OF I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW LONG... no... wait, it wasn't the point?
BACK TO THE POINT so we RP for like 3 pretty long sessions, I'm thinking it's going very good. But all of a sudden we just stop, I'm telling that I'm avalible. Ow, and once I quckly made a slappy sketch of our RP sceens. She was amazed, she really liked it. I tell that I can continue at any time she is ready. But... she never wrote in a week. So I spent 8 hrs working on a very good art of another sceene. Sent it to her, expecting some blast of emoitions and saying thet I am absolutely free, and can fo RP at any any moment. And so responce was? There was none. So I go again like "Aaand how are you doing?" Ok, I got something "Doing good thanks. And good work on the art"
Why do I feel like I'm unwanted? BOOM, I SPENT HOURS WORKING ON THIS, ONLY FOR YOU, I WAS THINKING ABOUT TOU ALL THE WAY. And all you have to say this time... is "good work on the art". After I poke you extra time... I'm afraid to ask her now for anything, I don't want to be a bother, jusmping around poking her like "go RP? go RP?!" Or "What do you think of expression? The shading! I was reallly thinking of how it would make you feel, and I deliver the feeling?" And such stuff. I really really want to be friend with her! REALLY! She is kind, smart, she's dominating but still cares about MY experience. She is wonderfull person! But she... just don't want to be frends or trust me I guess? I don't know.
