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The nature of wanting to be inferior
2 years ago
Some thoughts about "why am I like this? Why am I so fucked up".
You know, actually been submissive goes against my character. I'm totally opposite! I value freedom more that anything, I'm going through all this shit because I couldn't stand been with my parents. I can now say "I don't need a thing from you, leave me alone", and it's so great, so satisfying. But why then I have so much fantasys about been forced into submission, if I have been forced like that my whole life and hate it!? I want the strong figure near me, making decisions for me... I want that figure to take care about me... care... may be that's the point? No one ever really cared about me, only commanded, harassed me. But... well at the same time I love been miserable! In my fantasys I'm called worthlessness, pathetic, useless etc. But I hated it, now I want it!? It has to make some sense!!!
Maybe it's like... you know, brain can produce hormones and some stuff like that in response to big pain. You know, to compensate. I guess, there's the reason, brain throughout my childhood and teenage was trained to respond to this kind of treatment. And so, when it gets triggered by such things... it immediately responds with hormones to make me feel good, to compensate, but if it's not... real, if it's not really an offense on me, if I can stop it at any time by a safeword... there's nothing to really compensate, so it just feel good! Well, mostly makes me horny :D
Mb it's a phase, but I still want to make this ABDL and BDSM fetishes go away by taking some fix it all pill. Cz I'm too exposed for abuse like this! Previously I told you how bad it feels that V uses that to win an argument or get what he wanted from me. And I like it! And hate it! My character side hates it! I wanna be independent and strong, but my animal hormones side want it baaaadly!!! It's almost like been drug addicted, only my own body produces the drug, but I need someone to push this triggers in my brain! And they can use me all they want, do anything to me! I want to trust someone, but there's nobody who would want me... and even if there would be someone who would be interested in me, I don't think I could trust this person. I dunno... I could say I was betrayed too many times, but at the same time, I can't recall any real cases. Like... I feel betrayed by some actions, but I don't fully know what this actions are? Like... could you call using my submissive side for your benefit a betrayal? No, it's good for both of us, he gets what he wanted, I get my buttons pushed, everyone us happy! Could you call bern treated like shit by your parents a betrayal? No, they never promised me anything, we never had a talk like "Remember Simon, whatever happends I'll be kn your side!", no! So, it's not a betrayal! But don't you get a nasty feeling by reading it? Like.. yaaaaa.... you never promised, but I think I can expect my parents to take my side!? I guess I had things like that now and then. So I feel like I can't trust anyone. I can take a promis, but "Tust" is more than that. Ahhh, C even broke his promise actually, but aaah, to hell with this pathological liar.
Oh, and my "not trying to work hard anymore" thing is working! In this culture, could you imagine someone taking that as an achievement lol!? But I really feel better, like I have strengths to do something.
https://youtu.be/hezlWUS7g3U
You know, actually been submissive goes against my character. I'm totally opposite! I value freedom more that anything, I'm going through all this shit because I couldn't stand been with my parents. I can now say "I don't need a thing from you, leave me alone", and it's so great, so satisfying. But why then I have so much fantasys about been forced into submission, if I have been forced like that my whole life and hate it!? I want the strong figure near me, making decisions for me... I want that figure to take care about me... care... may be that's the point? No one ever really cared about me, only commanded, harassed me. But... well at the same time I love been miserable! In my fantasys I'm called worthlessness, pathetic, useless etc. But I hated it, now I want it!? It has to make some sense!!!
Maybe it's like... you know, brain can produce hormones and some stuff like that in response to big pain. You know, to compensate. I guess, there's the reason, brain throughout my childhood and teenage was trained to respond to this kind of treatment. And so, when it gets triggered by such things... it immediately responds with hormones to make me feel good, to compensate, but if it's not... real, if it's not really an offense on me, if I can stop it at any time by a safeword... there's nothing to really compensate, so it just feel good! Well, mostly makes me horny :D
Mb it's a phase, but I still want to make this ABDL and BDSM fetishes go away by taking some fix it all pill. Cz I'm too exposed for abuse like this! Previously I told you how bad it feels that V uses that to win an argument or get what he wanted from me. And I like it! And hate it! My character side hates it! I wanna be independent and strong, but my animal hormones side want it baaaadly!!! It's almost like been drug addicted, only my own body produces the drug, but I need someone to push this triggers in my brain! And they can use me all they want, do anything to me! I want to trust someone, but there's nobody who would want me... and even if there would be someone who would be interested in me, I don't think I could trust this person. I dunno... I could say I was betrayed too many times, but at the same time, I can't recall any real cases. Like... I feel betrayed by some actions, but I don't fully know what this actions are? Like... could you call using my submissive side for your benefit a betrayal? No, it's good for both of us, he gets what he wanted, I get my buttons pushed, everyone us happy! Could you call bern treated like shit by your parents a betrayal? No, they never promised me anything, we never had a talk like "Remember Simon, whatever happends I'll be kn your side!", no! So, it's not a betrayal! But don't you get a nasty feeling by reading it? Like.. yaaaaa.... you never promised, but I think I can expect my parents to take my side!? I guess I had things like that now and then. So I feel like I can't trust anyone. I can take a promis, but "Tust" is more than that. Ahhh, C even broke his promise actually, but aaah, to hell with this pathological liar.
Oh, and my "not trying to work hard anymore" thing is working! In this culture, could you imagine someone taking that as an achievement lol!? But I really feel better, like I have strengths to do something.
https://youtu.be/hezlWUS7g3U
