FA+
Shop
Always want to give up
2 years ago
Yup, my interеst to doing this is very close to zero. No one ever read it all, no one ever commented like "oh, maaan, keep going, things will get better"
But sometimes everything is just so overwhelming that I can't keep it to myself!
I'm so tired of constant fighting. Of constant fear. Of constant that the only constant thing in life is that there will always be struggles. I want to give up like... now... it's 2am, I'm in bed in my dorm. Writing this to my phone so can copy this to FA later, cz for some reason FA is banned in Russia and I only have vpn on my laptop. 2am, I have to get up at 7 and go to work. But I don't want to anymore to such a great point... Like... no one want to work ok, I know. But it's just... too much...
I'm imaging how I'll just sleep until noon, than just go buy a wagon of vodka and food and just drink and eat in my bed. Doing fucking nothig, just gone, not answering the phone, just numb minded, just throwing away all my saving for moving to US if I win DV lottery. And when money ends? Guess Id just be like:"Oh... that was my last bottle? No more vodka? Ok" and just jump out of the window.
Just mental suicide and then the real one...
It's amazing tho... how many people have done mental suicide but their bodies are jùst walking around... how cruel this world is, that people just killing themselves with alcohol to avoid pain. That's what suicide is for... avoiding pain. Well if you are alone at least... otherwise it's just giving your pain to your close ones.
And I'm alone, I only really have Rene. And if I mentally kill myself I don't think I could ever see her again, my brain just wouldn't be strong enough to keep 2 persons at once. So, we'd both be gone. Oh how I wish someone strong could just take care of me...
I recently talked to my dad, he said "oh, then I'm proud that you are such a successful smart man!" I so wanted to say two things "no thanks to you! Stupid drunk! We lived together 20 years and I remember talking to you like 10 times or so!" And "Yep, just like mom, you both are only proud that I've done something, but you never say that you love me just for me been me, unconditionally".
Ok mom said that she loves me plenty of times. But only when she was apologizing for been mega mean bitch to me. And you know what happened after that? She acted the same, she is very low in her job's hierarchy and then she was just coming home to put out her stress out on me. Then she just apologized for saying that I'm and abomination and should actually kill myself, by saying "I love you".
You know... it made my and C's relationship very hard since he always called out "I love you Simon!". And fuck it hurted every time!!! It made me remember my mom and how not real saying "I love you" is.
It still is a hard spot for me... I don't believe when someone is saying that. I judge by actions.
Ok random storytime! Who is "C"? Well, it's a guy named Zachary who I've met in vr chat. He was so full of energy! And invited me to hang with him. But he at the same time was like... too jumpy I guess? Well he was just looking for someone to love him just like I was and he was trying out multiple partners. There was like... 4 of them in 2 months? Something like that. And I've decided that I'm willing to try it, you know... like... ooooh this people are just not good enough! But I have all the love and support to give to him! And we lasted much longer then his previous partners. Even tho he was hard at times I felt happy with him. Buuut... he is believing in "material mind" or something. You know... this shit about "if you wish for something hard enough, the universe will give it to you". If I wasn't writing to him for 2 days he was blocking me. Saying that I don't care about him. But it's not true, sometimes we are just too busy! I was and still am working full time and study in college! It's not easy one, I'm telling you!
So he was basically suffering from the fact that I don't have any free time. And then I've asked if he is willing to change it. If he is willing to be my husband... he said yes and we will get married and all. So I started collecting data about how we can do that. So when I approached him with all the info on fiancee visa, how he must apply for me and then will marry and be together and I'll be all his all the time! ...then he said he wouldn't actually do that, that it's too big of a step and stuff... well you should've said that before I spent time to look it all up!
So... I was hurt by that... you know lies. You can't just say one day "Yes I will marry you! I will do anything to get you here!" And than give "no" on the NEXT day!
So our relationship got worse after that... so even tho he was always missing me and even tho we had some good times... I just decided that I don't want to hold him like that for years. That I should let him find someone reachable and someone with enough time. And also... I really dislike lies... before that he was telling everyone around that he won 7 million in a lottery. Turns out... it wasn't lie! It was just massaging the universe!!! He was just making himself and everyone around him believe that he already won. But it didn't work. Yep, definitely not trying to hold everyone's attention by lies! He's also hooked up on marijuana. So... that all is why I've decided that we should break up. I donno... I still think about him at least once a week... wondering how he is doing? Have he found the partner to be with? And I don't know if I miss him or just... having someone who cares about you for just existing? But he blocked me permanently... I can't reach out vof him...
So now I'm just saying everything straight. Hey, I'm ownerless kitten, I'm looking for someone strong and who can own me. I'm very passive, very bottom, very baby. I can follow commands, I'm willing to be forced! But... guess nobody cares for such people... bet there are plenty of folk like me, but better, easier to reach, they have time and money to visit their masters so that they could have proper test drive on their new bottoms. And me? I'm only trouble... I shouldn't exist...
But sometimes everything is just so overwhelming that I can't keep it to myself!
I'm so tired of constant fighting. Of constant fear. Of constant that the only constant thing in life is that there will always be struggles. I want to give up like... now... it's 2am, I'm in bed in my dorm. Writing this to my phone so can copy this to FA later, cz for some reason FA is banned in Russia and I only have vpn on my laptop. 2am, I have to get up at 7 and go to work. But I don't want to anymore to such a great point... Like... no one want to work ok, I know. But it's just... too much...
I'm imaging how I'll just sleep until noon, than just go buy a wagon of vodka and food and just drink and eat in my bed. Doing fucking nothig, just gone, not answering the phone, just numb minded, just throwing away all my saving for moving to US if I win DV lottery. And when money ends? Guess Id just be like:"Oh... that was my last bottle? No more vodka? Ok" and just jump out of the window.
Just mental suicide and then the real one...
It's amazing tho... how many people have done mental suicide but their bodies are jùst walking around... how cruel this world is, that people just killing themselves with alcohol to avoid pain. That's what suicide is for... avoiding pain. Well if you are alone at least... otherwise it's just giving your pain to your close ones.
And I'm alone, I only really have Rene. And if I mentally kill myself I don't think I could ever see her again, my brain just wouldn't be strong enough to keep 2 persons at once. So, we'd both be gone. Oh how I wish someone strong could just take care of me...
I recently talked to my dad, he said "oh, then I'm proud that you are such a successful smart man!" I so wanted to say two things "no thanks to you! Stupid drunk! We lived together 20 years and I remember talking to you like 10 times or so!" And "Yep, just like mom, you both are only proud that I've done something, but you never say that you love me just for me been me, unconditionally".
Ok mom said that she loves me plenty of times. But only when she was apologizing for been mega mean bitch to me. And you know what happened after that? She acted the same, she is very low in her job's hierarchy and then she was just coming home to put out her stress out on me. Then she just apologized for saying that I'm and abomination and should actually kill myself, by saying "I love you".
You know... it made my and C's relationship very hard since he always called out "I love you Simon!". And fuck it hurted every time!!! It made me remember my mom and how not real saying "I love you" is.
It still is a hard spot for me... I don't believe when someone is saying that. I judge by actions.
Ok random storytime! Who is "C"? Well, it's a guy named Zachary who I've met in vr chat. He was so full of energy! And invited me to hang with him. But he at the same time was like... too jumpy I guess? Well he was just looking for someone to love him just like I was and he was trying out multiple partners. There was like... 4 of them in 2 months? Something like that. And I've decided that I'm willing to try it, you know... like... ooooh this people are just not good enough! But I have all the love and support to give to him! And we lasted much longer then his previous partners. Even tho he was hard at times I felt happy with him. Buuut... he is believing in "material mind" or something. You know... this shit about "if you wish for something hard enough, the universe will give it to you". If I wasn't writing to him for 2 days he was blocking me. Saying that I don't care about him. But it's not true, sometimes we are just too busy! I was and still am working full time and study in college! It's not easy one, I'm telling you!
So he was basically suffering from the fact that I don't have any free time. And then I've asked if he is willing to change it. If he is willing to be my husband... he said yes and we will get married and all. So I started collecting data about how we can do that. So when I approached him with all the info on fiancee visa, how he must apply for me and then will marry and be together and I'll be all his all the time! ...then he said he wouldn't actually do that, that it's too big of a step and stuff... well you should've said that before I spent time to look it all up!
So... I was hurt by that... you know lies. You can't just say one day "Yes I will marry you! I will do anything to get you here!" And than give "no" on the NEXT day!
So our relationship got worse after that... so even tho he was always missing me and even tho we had some good times... I just decided that I don't want to hold him like that for years. That I should let him find someone reachable and someone with enough time. And also... I really dislike lies... before that he was telling everyone around that he won 7 million in a lottery. Turns out... it wasn't lie! It was just massaging the universe!!! He was just making himself and everyone around him believe that he already won. But it didn't work. Yep, definitely not trying to hold everyone's attention by lies! He's also hooked up on marijuana. So... that all is why I've decided that we should break up. I donno... I still think about him at least once a week... wondering how he is doing? Have he found the partner to be with? And I don't know if I miss him or just... having someone who cares about you for just existing? But he blocked me permanently... I can't reach out vof him...
So now I'm just saying everything straight. Hey, I'm ownerless kitten, I'm looking for someone strong and who can own me. I'm very passive, very bottom, very baby. I can follow commands, I'm willing to be forced! But... guess nobody cares for such people... bet there are plenty of folk like me, but better, easier to reach, they have time and money to visit their masters so that they could have proper test drive on their new bottoms. And me? I'm only trouble... I shouldn't exist...
