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Everyday ritual
2 years ago
I read somewhere that people often have some everyday ritual, it helps psychological condition somehow. And it looks like this journals is my ritual now? I thought I don't have anything to say today, it's just usual exhausting days, get up at 8, get to work by 9, programming boring things I don't want to program until it's 18, then walking back to my room in dormitory cz I have to get SOME exercise at all so at least exhausted walking will do, get back by 20, then have to write programs for study that I don't want to program as well and it's also totally stupid and useless, even worst then what I have to do at work! Then I have to get to bed cz I have to get up at 8 and I need some sleep.
You know what I also need? Some rest, some fun, something positive in life!
But don't have it... so, at least I'll try to keep myself together by writing journals. Even if nothing have happened at the day, I just felt need to do it now.
Ok... can I tell you a story of me getting to know some American furry guy in VRChat? Ofc I can, noone ever read it, at least that's what i can tell from 0 notes and 0 comments.
So it was this August when I've started seen furry VRC videos on YouTube, it seemed to look fun. So I've decided to give it a go, see if I could make some friends, practice my English.
Oh looks like it was a mistake to come there with Russian nickname... everyone seemed to be judging me for breathing... silently... sometimes not so silently, Oh I've herd too much of "are you spying on us?" Or "Oh my, look, Russians are spying here" etc. Really? Like... it was either going silent and looking at me or making are you spying joke.
I was about to quit and just delete VRC, can't afford vr set anyway.
But suddenly one wolf called me out "Hey! Why you just standing there!? Come on here!" which I did. Let's call him C and my ex boyfriend V. So I just recently broke up with V and felt empty, even tho he stood as my closest ever friend, V stopped spending all the time with me. So I was desperate for any communication with some kind sole!
And I fell for C, he seemed to understand me, like... imagine... after all day of been treated like some maniac firs thing he said after I came to him "Heya, I want you to know, I don't think that Russian people are some aggressive mad people, it's all big governments play that we don't a word in, so the war that's going on, ah, I don't think it's your fault, ok?". For that moment I thought I found the best, the only one person who was so understanding. And I didn't understood it than, but I do now... he also had that daddy vibe, noone has ever talked to me like "Now mister... *and giving a command*".
Turned out, he was pathological liar. After THAT kind of first impression I was trying to ignore that fact, my brain just forbidden me to think about it. Like... a week after we've met, he started shouting to everyone that he won a lottery, oh and I believed... after he told me that for 6th times we had dialog like
- shhh... ok, ok, I get it, calm down
- but it's 11 million! I can give you money and you won't have to study or work anymore!
- no need to, it's your money, you'll spend them on yourself
- but i wanna spend them on you too
- Only if it will make you happy, you should know, I'm not asking and never will ask you for money, that's not the point at all, that's not why i made friends with you.
He seemed... not too happy about it, and fuck i ignored it once again. Now i think he was upset cz he thought he would make me eager for his fake millions, and I haven't. He was lying to grab attention from everyone. That's sooo unhealthy...
And he lied about everything! Like I still can't understand where did he get his car from!? Every time the story is different, so is it because your grandma died and you got money from her will, or some one just presented you that car or where you just saving up money? I don't know, every time the story is different. C, why? C, why do you lie about everything!?
Oh and my fucking hero syndrome... he was complaining much about how everyone he is trying to get into relationships with are cheating on him or breaking up with him.
And here's me, the best person ever! No worries C, I'll save you from loneliness! I'll be your boyfriend.
And I was, for a month or so, we really missed no physical contact. I've done some googling and found out the immigration program to marry, fiance visa to get into US, then you marrying your love and get a green card and live happily ever after. Yet I was unsure if he would be ready for such a big step, so on one of our VRC dates I've asjed if he thinks that's an option, like would he and his parents be ok with a gay marriage to some Russian guy? Like, it's totally ok to say no, i understand that we've not been together for too long and got to see our real faces on discord just 4-5 times and... YES, he said yes!
But... it was another useless lie. For next month I was searching on procedures for fiance visa, what documents would we need, where to get any forms filled.
And when I told him the plan, what part is he supposed to do in order to get me... he said he wouldn't, that he don't want to marry me at all, and that what he said was just for romantic moment. Lie for lie, for nothing...
So in October we broke up... hah... we... HE just blocked me at some random pont, even tho i asked to never do that and just talk to me if something would be wrong. He was complaining much about how little time can i spend with him cz of my work and university. I suggested we just pause relationship, or stay friends or call it open relationship. Just because if I can't give him enough of my attention, he shouldn't be stopping himself from getting someone else, even if it would hurt me... and that I really really love him and want to keep watching movies together and all, but also want him to be happy, and he just thought at some day "ahhh... this one... ah, he's not my boyfriend, so how do i get to care about him loving me? Yeh, should just throw this garbage out, block" oh how I wanted to cry... but couldn't, I physically can't cry, almost nothing can make me.
Looks like this story gonna give me some trusting ensues. This guy... he said "I love you" like 100+ times to me. Now I hate this phrase. It means nothing. Love is when you care, love is when you know you can trust the person, love is when you don't have to say "I love you" at all, cz it's just too obvious.
Words can mean so little, words can mean nothing at all...
Now I'm alone... just working and studying and working...
I dunno, I feel like I'm gonna break any second of any day, but I have my last exam this Friday... have to ace it... I have made a contract with company and I have to work one full year for them and it's only been 3 months, 9 more to go... it's like... payback for them teaching me, some other company could have made me work for free, as I have no experience. So must get at least 1 working year for my record, then I can just quit for some time, relax, get myself together and get some good position as a professional experienced programmer.
But I have no idea how to survive tomorrow...
One little baby joke from V (prev journals) can't get me that much energy. I have no energy to do anything, I stopped brushings teeth, stopped taking shower, stopped taking clothes off... even now I'm lying in my bed in clothes... what's the point? I'll just get up and go straight to work... nothing else make sense now... just have to keep at work and ace exams.
https://youtu.be/ifv63CC2UHs
You know what I also need? Some rest, some fun, something positive in life!
But don't have it... so, at least I'll try to keep myself together by writing journals. Even if nothing have happened at the day, I just felt need to do it now.
Ok... can I tell you a story of me getting to know some American furry guy in VRChat? Ofc I can, noone ever read it, at least that's what i can tell from 0 notes and 0 comments.
So it was this August when I've started seen furry VRC videos on YouTube, it seemed to look fun. So I've decided to give it a go, see if I could make some friends, practice my English.
Oh looks like it was a mistake to come there with Russian nickname... everyone seemed to be judging me for breathing... silently... sometimes not so silently, Oh I've herd too much of "are you spying on us?" Or "Oh my, look, Russians are spying here" etc. Really? Like... it was either going silent and looking at me or making are you spying joke.
I was about to quit and just delete VRC, can't afford vr set anyway.
But suddenly one wolf called me out "Hey! Why you just standing there!? Come on here!" which I did. Let's call him C and my ex boyfriend V. So I just recently broke up with V and felt empty, even tho he stood as my closest ever friend, V stopped spending all the time with me. So I was desperate for any communication with some kind sole!
And I fell for C, he seemed to understand me, like... imagine... after all day of been treated like some maniac firs thing he said after I came to him "Heya, I want you to know, I don't think that Russian people are some aggressive mad people, it's all big governments play that we don't a word in, so the war that's going on, ah, I don't think it's your fault, ok?". For that moment I thought I found the best, the only one person who was so understanding. And I didn't understood it than, but I do now... he also had that daddy vibe, noone has ever talked to me like "Now mister... *and giving a command*".
Turned out, he was pathological liar. After THAT kind of first impression I was trying to ignore that fact, my brain just forbidden me to think about it. Like... a week after we've met, he started shouting to everyone that he won a lottery, oh and I believed... after he told me that for 6th times we had dialog like
- shhh... ok, ok, I get it, calm down
- but it's 11 million! I can give you money and you won't have to study or work anymore!
- no need to, it's your money, you'll spend them on yourself
- but i wanna spend them on you too
- Only if it will make you happy, you should know, I'm not asking and never will ask you for money, that's not the point at all, that's not why i made friends with you.
He seemed... not too happy about it, and fuck i ignored it once again. Now i think he was upset cz he thought he would make me eager for his fake millions, and I haven't. He was lying to grab attention from everyone. That's sooo unhealthy...
And he lied about everything! Like I still can't understand where did he get his car from!? Every time the story is different, so is it because your grandma died and you got money from her will, or some one just presented you that car or where you just saving up money? I don't know, every time the story is different. C, why? C, why do you lie about everything!?
Oh and my fucking hero syndrome... he was complaining much about how everyone he is trying to get into relationships with are cheating on him or breaking up with him.
And here's me, the best person ever! No worries C, I'll save you from loneliness! I'll be your boyfriend.
And I was, for a month or so, we really missed no physical contact. I've done some googling and found out the immigration program to marry, fiance visa to get into US, then you marrying your love and get a green card and live happily ever after. Yet I was unsure if he would be ready for such a big step, so on one of our VRC dates I've asjed if he thinks that's an option, like would he and his parents be ok with a gay marriage to some Russian guy? Like, it's totally ok to say no, i understand that we've not been together for too long and got to see our real faces on discord just 4-5 times and... YES, he said yes!
But... it was another useless lie. For next month I was searching on procedures for fiance visa, what documents would we need, where to get any forms filled.
And when I told him the plan, what part is he supposed to do in order to get me... he said he wouldn't, that he don't want to marry me at all, and that what he said was just for romantic moment. Lie for lie, for nothing...
So in October we broke up... hah... we... HE just blocked me at some random pont, even tho i asked to never do that and just talk to me if something would be wrong. He was complaining much about how little time can i spend with him cz of my work and university. I suggested we just pause relationship, or stay friends or call it open relationship. Just because if I can't give him enough of my attention, he shouldn't be stopping himself from getting someone else, even if it would hurt me... and that I really really love him and want to keep watching movies together and all, but also want him to be happy, and he just thought at some day "ahhh... this one... ah, he's not my boyfriend, so how do i get to care about him loving me? Yeh, should just throw this garbage out, block" oh how I wanted to cry... but couldn't, I physically can't cry, almost nothing can make me.
Looks like this story gonna give me some trusting ensues. This guy... he said "I love you" like 100+ times to me. Now I hate this phrase. It means nothing. Love is when you care, love is when you know you can trust the person, love is when you don't have to say "I love you" at all, cz it's just too obvious.
Words can mean so little, words can mean nothing at all...
Now I'm alone... just working and studying and working...
I dunno, I feel like I'm gonna break any second of any day, but I have my last exam this Friday... have to ace it... I have made a contract with company and I have to work one full year for them and it's only been 3 months, 9 more to go... it's like... payback for them teaching me, some other company could have made me work for free, as I have no experience. So must get at least 1 working year for my record, then I can just quit for some time, relax, get myself together and get some good position as a professional experienced programmer.
But I have no idea how to survive tomorrow...
One little baby joke from V (prev journals) can't get me that much energy. I have no energy to do anything, I stopped brushings teeth, stopped taking shower, stopped taking clothes off... even now I'm lying in my bed in clothes... what's the point? I'll just get up and go straight to work... nothing else make sense now... just have to keep at work and ace exams.
https://youtu.be/ifv63CC2UHs
