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Unstoppable stress
3 years ago
General
So, as always, I just feel need to write something every day, mb it will wear off soon... especially since noone reads it, kina makes it pointless for me.
So, the news! I woke up at 3, 5 and 6:30 AM today, because of a terrible heartburn, I just had to sit on my bed for 10-15 minutes at night, everytime!
So, in addition to all my complaining... Gastric ulcer it what I need! A vicious circle! The more I stress out - the more shit my condition is going. And the worse my condition - the stronger my stress gets.
Like, fuck, now I'm also terrified of been deeply sick. Oh, some of you might just say "What's to worry about, yes you've been saying lots about how shity it is in Russia. But unlike us, you have free medical care!", and you know what, just like everything we have, we have it ON PAPER. There is no way of getting any kind of medical help, or it would be so low quality, that you will get trauma for life. So, medicine is not free in Russia, not at all! And for real medical help... I have no money! I'm only starting my career you know! My monthly pay is 25k rub, it's 350$, and it's all my money, no way I can afford dealing with any gastric shit!
My nerves... my constant stress is destroying my body now, heartburn ain't allowing me to sleep properly, that makes even more damage, and I'm now stuck thinking about it!
And I know that thinking about it will make matters worse!
And I also have exam tomorrow morning! And can't sleep again cz I'm worrying about the outcome!
I'm just so broken and tired... I just want someone to take care of me... but not in this world, not in this life...
I'm just so tired of getting this "ok... just have to survive this year and it's gonna be all fine", but every year for the last 8 years of my life it gets worse every time, much worse... now I'm thinking "ok, just survive this exams, and it's gonna be ok", but it won't. It will never be ok for me.
It's my fate, to just suffer? Hating my parents, hating myself, hating my country, hating my co-workers, having one friend who is also in a big stress, struggling from impossibility of gender transfer, parents issues, troubles in his university... and probably more thoughts and worries that he won't share to not cause my psychological state more damage.
We can't feel supposed by each other, because we both are pretty much powerless. Words "I understand" and "I'm here for you" isn't nothing, but it's not making problems disappear.
Yeah, that's probably the reason why noone reads my journals... too much negative, only whining, complaining.
Besides, what would person even write me? "Hey, it's gonna get better!" No, it won't, stop repeating it, mb I believed this "things will get better" first time, second, third... but after 8 years of things getting worse and not better... sorry, can't belive it.
So, a person reading it would just feel... sorry... powerless to help, don't think we have too many millionaires going around FA looking for some Adult Baby to take care of. That could've been great ofc, but I just don't belive in miracles anymore... it's a cruel world... right now, as I'm in my bed writing it... somewhere someone is getting raped, someone kills himself, someone don't even have a bed or pillow cz they are enslaved. I have a future at least, I have some money at least, I have my pillow at least, I have this journals and FurrAffinity arts to look at. I have strong enough mentality and intelligence to fight.
It is a very cruel world and it's mostly about luck here, but I can fight... but I'm still breathing, my heart still beating... I just think when it's gonna be ok, my organism will be completely destroyed and I'll be total brainfucjed psycho! (Or am I now already? Probably...)
Traditional song! Boom! https://youtu.be/pIO2Y7NsllE
So, the news! I woke up at 3, 5 and 6:30 AM today, because of a terrible heartburn, I just had to sit on my bed for 10-15 minutes at night, everytime!
So, in addition to all my complaining... Gastric ulcer it what I need! A vicious circle! The more I stress out - the more shit my condition is going. And the worse my condition - the stronger my stress gets.
Like, fuck, now I'm also terrified of been deeply sick. Oh, some of you might just say "What's to worry about, yes you've been saying lots about how shity it is in Russia. But unlike us, you have free medical care!", and you know what, just like everything we have, we have it ON PAPER. There is no way of getting any kind of medical help, or it would be so low quality, that you will get trauma for life. So, medicine is not free in Russia, not at all! And for real medical help... I have no money! I'm only starting my career you know! My monthly pay is 25k rub, it's 350$, and it's all my money, no way I can afford dealing with any gastric shit!
My nerves... my constant stress is destroying my body now, heartburn ain't allowing me to sleep properly, that makes even more damage, and I'm now stuck thinking about it!
And I know that thinking about it will make matters worse!
And I also have exam tomorrow morning! And can't sleep again cz I'm worrying about the outcome!
I'm just so broken and tired... I just want someone to take care of me... but not in this world, not in this life...
I'm just so tired of getting this "ok... just have to survive this year and it's gonna be all fine", but every year for the last 8 years of my life it gets worse every time, much worse... now I'm thinking "ok, just survive this exams, and it's gonna be ok", but it won't. It will never be ok for me.
It's my fate, to just suffer? Hating my parents, hating myself, hating my country, hating my co-workers, having one friend who is also in a big stress, struggling from impossibility of gender transfer, parents issues, troubles in his university... and probably more thoughts and worries that he won't share to not cause my psychological state more damage.
We can't feel supposed by each other, because we both are pretty much powerless. Words "I understand" and "I'm here for you" isn't nothing, but it's not making problems disappear.
Yeah, that's probably the reason why noone reads my journals... too much negative, only whining, complaining.
Besides, what would person even write me? "Hey, it's gonna get better!" No, it won't, stop repeating it, mb I believed this "things will get better" first time, second, third... but after 8 years of things getting worse and not better... sorry, can't belive it.
So, a person reading it would just feel... sorry... powerless to help, don't think we have too many millionaires going around FA looking for some Adult Baby to take care of. That could've been great ofc, but I just don't belive in miracles anymore... it's a cruel world... right now, as I'm in my bed writing it... somewhere someone is getting raped, someone kills himself, someone don't even have a bed or pillow cz they are enslaved. I have a future at least, I have some money at least, I have my pillow at least, I have this journals and FurrAffinity arts to look at. I have strong enough mentality and intelligence to fight.
It is a very cruel world and it's mostly about luck here, but I can fight... but I'm still breathing, my heart still beating... I just think when it's gonna be ok, my organism will be completely destroyed and I'll be total brainfucjed psycho! (Or am I now already? Probably...)
Traditional song! Boom! https://youtu.be/pIO2Y7NsllE
