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I'm still standing
3 years ago
General
Well, today I took a day off to visit new subject in university and get in touch with it's teacher so that she wouldn't be cross with me skipping all the lectures and seminars cz if my work. Usually they all say that it's my fault that I've decided to go full time job and that mb I don't need education if so smart and got job already. But... yeah! I don't need education, cz there is no education in Russian university! I need a damn toilet paper named bachelor's degree cz a LOOOOT of employers wouldn't ever consider interviewing you if don't have diploma. Same applies to work experience, I was going to that interview this summer thinking "ok, they are probably gonna dump me, but I'll get experience from it, I'll be less nervous when I'll be trying to get job for real" and than BAM! After aaaall the tests, questions my current co-workers where like "So, you think this one or the one we had on Thursday?
- Weeeell... come to think of it... they did quite equal ... but this one at least suggests things and even if the answer was wrong and not optimized, he makes things work somehow, so I think that makes him better candidate in my view.
Then it's settled! Congrats lad, we'll take as a trainee 1C programmer!"
And I didn't really expected that. But couldn't pass the opportunity! I thought I might never get another chance, everyone needs experienced IT guys, noone needs you with no working experience.
So I agreed... and not I'm told "it's your FAULT, it's your PROBLEM" it's not a problem! I'm just trying to crawl out of the shit hole that I just born in!
And so suddenly this teacher today said that it's excellent that I've got a job, that she will encourage anyone how will do so, and not make a problem of her subject for us if we already know what we want to do in life. Usually... uuuh they don't give a flying fuck about you, oh, you are working as Python programmer!? HOW DO I CARE? I WANT YOU TO MAKE FUCKING DELHI PROJECT! Not my case but you get the total idea.
Sad that the subject I'm allowed to skip is Javascript and Typescript programming... cz 1C is not a thing out of Russia. And I want to move to US or UK or wherever people speak English and it's 1st world country where you can be yourself and work for making your life better, not for survival.
Uuuuh.... I'm so very exhausted even after holidays, but I want to ace exams just so that I could have pretty high GPA and try, just try to apply for master's degree in US, sponsored education for foreign students is a thing, I hope... but then I must have some nice grades, and have experience so that I could get a job that could sponsor me a green card. Yeah... again LOOOOOOOONG plan, like... 2,5 more years to get bachelor's, then applying... and IF I'M VEEEEEERY LUCKY getting student's visa and IF I'm good enough to keep up, 2 more years for master degree in computer science, then IF I'm lucky enough to find a company that would apply for my green card... only then I'll start... life... like normal life of a normal person... with rights, with money, with opportunity to do something I want.
To many "if"s, I don't really believe I can make it...
Still don't know if i should even try for my GPA... I fear that I'll just break myself even more, I already feel like I'm not ok! Endless anxiety, stress, lack of time for myself, signs of depression and suicidal thoughts... I'm very manly with them... I'm not telling anyone irl about them, I'm not doing self harm and never had. I'm to rational... if i decide at some point that this life not worth living, I'll just jump from my window on a 9th floor. I can do it right now and no worries for tomorrow, no work for tomorrow, no studies... just rest, eternal.
But also no more talking to V... and can't imagine how much would i hurt him... I'm so ashamed now that i remember how mad i was at him for showing up... if you read past journals, you know that I at some point a year ago bought a litter of vodka and dunk it all at once, and was playing dota with V, then all of sudden stopped feeling relaxed, fell from my stool and started crying loud and begging for someone to kill me, screaming at sealing that i can't keep going like this. I remember how I was accusing V of the fact I didn't kill myself at my 16... I said I hate him. That I hate that he keeps me suffering for his entertainment. At that point we became friends again and not partners anymore.
And here it comes again, I can't kill myself because of him, it would hurt him way too much. Some part of me hates him for the fact that I love him.
Emm, sorry I've got carried away... I wanted to say that it's sad that I'm allowed to skip studying on a subject that could give me one more way through work to normal countries. Why JS of all things!? Why it couldn't be DELPHI!?
On top of all... I hate programming! I'm only doing it so I could have a chance for better life! But I hate it, I wanted to be a writer actually or a voice actor, but I have no personal space to even try. I trained myself pretty good voice tho... so guess can start voice acting right as soon as I get myself some personal space.
Oh and diet fucked up after holidays ended... more stress - more food I need. But now it's worse, now I blame myself for eating shit. Just bought a whole chocolate bar and ate it all with cola. Wtf have I done!? It's like a tooooooons of extra calories that will add to my fat. I'm 105kg already and want to be little 60-65kg girl! And what did I do to achieve it? Ate a big choice bad and drunk litter of cola in addition to the fact that I always eat fast food on my lunch break and I only eat once a day, on my lunch break! Great fucking job, Simon you'll be ugly as fuck fat weirdo in diapers that noone would be able to carry around ever, nice job! And what does this kind of thoughts do to me? Ofc, make me want to eat some more shit!
Life is just demanding so much of me that i can't keep up... every day I'm about to break, every day I'm thinking of just killing myself, every day I just wanna cry and can't do it, physically, can't make myself no matter how bad I feel!
But I'm telling myself that it will get better, just have to keep going and all the pain will pay back. But I'm... bending instead of breaking to pieces. I become more and more corrupted, damaged every day. And there's always more to do, always more required of me.
I'm worrying that at the end... I'll be someone else...
Distorted, damage, corrupted person, that I wouldn't be able to love, to trust, to feel anything. That when I get stable in life... it wouldn't matter anymore, cz I can't enjoy life no more. Cz I'll have a ton of mental and physical issues for life.
So... it's all pointless. To get financial stability I'll have to suffer so much that I wouldn't be able to live anymore. Imagine how hard it is to find caretaker or just a playdate partner who would be interested in you when you are 30+ yo 200kg guy. It's easier to be in this kid of play when you're 17, 20, 22, but older... don't think you'd look cute or anything... at least not when you're overweight.
Then I can throw everything away? Well, kinda... studying, programmer job, ok then what!?
Then I'll have to find some shitty low quality job for minimum wage and basically play survival and end up exactly the same, but a bit later! In all logic... pointless! It's all pointless,there is no happiness ahead.
So... window is right there, I'm looking at it...
Fuck you, V. Goodnight, diary. https://youtu.be/Rc8yKcar6Gk
- Weeeell... come to think of it... they did quite equal ... but this one at least suggests things and even if the answer was wrong and not optimized, he makes things work somehow, so I think that makes him better candidate in my view.
Then it's settled! Congrats lad, we'll take as a trainee 1C programmer!"
And I didn't really expected that. But couldn't pass the opportunity! I thought I might never get another chance, everyone needs experienced IT guys, noone needs you with no working experience.
So I agreed... and not I'm told "it's your FAULT, it's your PROBLEM" it's not a problem! I'm just trying to crawl out of the shit hole that I just born in!
And so suddenly this teacher today said that it's excellent that I've got a job, that she will encourage anyone how will do so, and not make a problem of her subject for us if we already know what we want to do in life. Usually... uuuh they don't give a flying fuck about you, oh, you are working as Python programmer!? HOW DO I CARE? I WANT YOU TO MAKE FUCKING DELHI PROJECT! Not my case but you get the total idea.
Sad that the subject I'm allowed to skip is Javascript and Typescript programming... cz 1C is not a thing out of Russia. And I want to move to US or UK or wherever people speak English and it's 1st world country where you can be yourself and work for making your life better, not for survival.
Uuuuh.... I'm so very exhausted even after holidays, but I want to ace exams just so that I could have pretty high GPA and try, just try to apply for master's degree in US, sponsored education for foreign students is a thing, I hope... but then I must have some nice grades, and have experience so that I could get a job that could sponsor me a green card. Yeah... again LOOOOOOOONG plan, like... 2,5 more years to get bachelor's, then applying... and IF I'M VEEEEEERY LUCKY getting student's visa and IF I'm good enough to keep up, 2 more years for master degree in computer science, then IF I'm lucky enough to find a company that would apply for my green card... only then I'll start... life... like normal life of a normal person... with rights, with money, with opportunity to do something I want.
To many "if"s, I don't really believe I can make it...
Still don't know if i should even try for my GPA... I fear that I'll just break myself even more, I already feel like I'm not ok! Endless anxiety, stress, lack of time for myself, signs of depression and suicidal thoughts... I'm very manly with them... I'm not telling anyone irl about them, I'm not doing self harm and never had. I'm to rational... if i decide at some point that this life not worth living, I'll just jump from my window on a 9th floor. I can do it right now and no worries for tomorrow, no work for tomorrow, no studies... just rest, eternal.
But also no more talking to V... and can't imagine how much would i hurt him... I'm so ashamed now that i remember how mad i was at him for showing up... if you read past journals, you know that I at some point a year ago bought a litter of vodka and dunk it all at once, and was playing dota with V, then all of sudden stopped feeling relaxed, fell from my stool and started crying loud and begging for someone to kill me, screaming at sealing that i can't keep going like this. I remember how I was accusing V of the fact I didn't kill myself at my 16... I said I hate him. That I hate that he keeps me suffering for his entertainment. At that point we became friends again and not partners anymore.
And here it comes again, I can't kill myself because of him, it would hurt him way too much. Some part of me hates him for the fact that I love him.
Emm, sorry I've got carried away... I wanted to say that it's sad that I'm allowed to skip studying on a subject that could give me one more way through work to normal countries. Why JS of all things!? Why it couldn't be DELPHI!?
On top of all... I hate programming! I'm only doing it so I could have a chance for better life! But I hate it, I wanted to be a writer actually or a voice actor, but I have no personal space to even try. I trained myself pretty good voice tho... so guess can start voice acting right as soon as I get myself some personal space.
Oh and diet fucked up after holidays ended... more stress - more food I need. But now it's worse, now I blame myself for eating shit. Just bought a whole chocolate bar and ate it all with cola. Wtf have I done!? It's like a tooooooons of extra calories that will add to my fat. I'm 105kg already and want to be little 60-65kg girl! And what did I do to achieve it? Ate a big choice bad and drunk litter of cola in addition to the fact that I always eat fast food on my lunch break and I only eat once a day, on my lunch break! Great fucking job, Simon you'll be ugly as fuck fat weirdo in diapers that noone would be able to carry around ever, nice job! And what does this kind of thoughts do to me? Ofc, make me want to eat some more shit!
Life is just demanding so much of me that i can't keep up... every day I'm about to break, every day I'm thinking of just killing myself, every day I just wanna cry and can't do it, physically, can't make myself no matter how bad I feel!
But I'm telling myself that it will get better, just have to keep going and all the pain will pay back. But I'm... bending instead of breaking to pieces. I become more and more corrupted, damaged every day. And there's always more to do, always more required of me.
I'm worrying that at the end... I'll be someone else...
Distorted, damage, corrupted person, that I wouldn't be able to love, to trust, to feel anything. That when I get stable in life... it wouldn't matter anymore, cz I can't enjoy life no more. Cz I'll have a ton of mental and physical issues for life.
So... it's all pointless. To get financial stability I'll have to suffer so much that I wouldn't be able to live anymore. Imagine how hard it is to find caretaker or just a playdate partner who would be interested in you when you are 30+ yo 200kg guy. It's easier to be in this kid of play when you're 17, 20, 22, but older... don't think you'd look cute or anything... at least not when you're overweight.
Then I can throw everything away? Well, kinda... studying, programmer job, ok then what!?
Then I'll have to find some shitty low quality job for minimum wage and basically play survival and end up exactly the same, but a bit later! In all logic... pointless! It's all pointless,there is no happiness ahead.
So... window is right there, I'm looking at it...
Fuck you, V. Goodnight, diary. https://youtu.be/Rc8yKcar6Gk
