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Can't sleep
2 years ago
I don't like alcohol but I wanna be sedated... not happy that I drunk today, but I just did. Bought myself some cashews, tried to relax... but the shit is that I'm calm only when I'm sedated, as soon as alcohol wears off I'm uncomfortable and unhappy again.
Shouldn't let myself become an alcoholic too... I really want to live long and be healthy, still walk at least 8 kilometers every day, not smoking, never took drugs. But alcohol... it seem so... normal... like... everyone drink you know, it's fine, it's no big deal. But I know for a fact that it is a big deal, drinking is like taking loan of your tranquility. And now I have to pay it back.
We don't have hot water for a week already btw. I'd really appreciated shower now... but still no luck. Can't make myself brush teeth... sleeping in same clothing I work in, I basically just take on and off my jacket when I go out. There's some spots on me... but I don't give a fuck anymore... shoes have big holes and I get my feet wet every time I step on snow... now I let myself drink... what's next? I'm such a mess...
Oh yeah and I can't make myself do studies now... as I was walking back home... if I can call any place in this world home... I thought I'll get to studies but no... I can't... I'm just to tired after work, I'm always tired.
Btw tried to send last song to V... like... a hint... that my suicidal thoughts return after 2 years of silence. But he didn't get it at all... just said he did like the melody and rhythm, and that he doesn't like any brony songs. "I'm gone cz u refuse to listen". Well, guess he did refused to... but you'll be forgiven, actually. V, you told me many times that you can't stand any form of poor hygiene, and I'm all messed up, that you don't like songs I like, don't share my fetish at all. And it's fine... glad you're honest. I know that you don't like me.
Oh, today I called him on discord and he asked to wait for 5 minutes and never called back... he've got better friends than me... and a boyfriend from Sweedsland. He'll just... have someone how can take care of him. Unlike me. I only need, need, I want, want. I can't give anything, can't make a nice expensive gift, can't take him to another country to live... I'm worthless... Just a helpless baby, but you know... there are real orphans out there. Abandoned and truly helpless, if noone want to take care of them, how do I deserve anything? People want to get something from relationships, I want to get something, but I have nothing to offer...
Freaking heartburn came back... can't sleep even tho I should.
I so want it all to end... I've been suffering in hopes for better future since 10 yo, it's been 13 years, I still wait for suffering to end, but it's not ending!
Ok, just have to endure this school, I'll get in new one next year. Next school is same, ok, mb a bit better, but I'm still bullied a lot and crying almost every day. Ok, just wait until the ninth grade, and you can go to college* but it's not much better in college, keeping up with studying is very hard, than I got excluded on 3rd year, I thought at some moment that I'm very special and smart and all, but turned out I'm not... every year 50% of group got excluded, I never thought I'd be one of them at some point... it's been so much screaming and scandals. I still remember it so very clearly... when mum suggested me to kill myself cz I'm worthless.
- What can I do now!? I told you I did my best! Do I just kill myself now!?
- Yeh, go do exactly that you stupid worthless fat pig!
Every time she phones me now... asking on how do I do... how could she help... or why don't I ever call her first... it's in my ears... I can't unhear it now.
I recovered and tried again next year, finished 3rd year and got excluded on 4th. Recovered again and finished college* in 6 years instead of 4. Worked for one year... for 14500/month (200$/month) full time job. Never got promoted. Couldn't keep living in parents place, can't endure them around myself. So I sent my application for university* and now I'm a student, starting 4th semester. And it never gets better, never gets easier... all my life is "just have to endure this dark bit of life and things will get better". I can't believe in that anymore. Just can't anymore... it will never be good and easy, it always gets worse and worse every year.
Funny... come to think of it... "I've lost everything worth living for"... I haven't. Hahaha! The irony is rich!!! I NEVER HAD ANYTHING WORTH LIVING FOR, I LIVED BECAUSE WAS HOPING I WILL HAVE!!!
Why can't I cry... not fair...
*should clean up terminology now. In normal countries college is a part of university, so going to college is same as going to university. But I Russia it's flipped! College is where you can go before you graduate from high school, you can basically skip 2 last years of school that way, and after 4 years you get a diploma of specialist in something, kinda like degree, but it's nothing out of Russia. Guess you could say that I have a specialist degree in computer science. And university is where you get a bachelor's and master's degree. So yeah, I'm gonna study computer since for 10 fucking years when I graduate. Btw, I hate it. I mentioned, I'm only doing this because it can potentially give me some good money and open opportunities to move out. Not much you can do, if you can barely afford food and a roof over your head, if you just trying to survive.
Shouldn't let myself become an alcoholic too... I really want to live long and be healthy, still walk at least 8 kilometers every day, not smoking, never took drugs. But alcohol... it seem so... normal... like... everyone drink you know, it's fine, it's no big deal. But I know for a fact that it is a big deal, drinking is like taking loan of your tranquility. And now I have to pay it back.
We don't have hot water for a week already btw. I'd really appreciated shower now... but still no luck. Can't make myself brush teeth... sleeping in same clothing I work in, I basically just take on and off my jacket when I go out. There's some spots on me... but I don't give a fuck anymore... shoes have big holes and I get my feet wet every time I step on snow... now I let myself drink... what's next? I'm such a mess...
Oh yeah and I can't make myself do studies now... as I was walking back home... if I can call any place in this world home... I thought I'll get to studies but no... I can't... I'm just to tired after work, I'm always tired.
Btw tried to send last song to V... like... a hint... that my suicidal thoughts return after 2 years of silence. But he didn't get it at all... just said he did like the melody and rhythm, and that he doesn't like any brony songs. "I'm gone cz u refuse to listen". Well, guess he did refused to... but you'll be forgiven, actually. V, you told me many times that you can't stand any form of poor hygiene, and I'm all messed up, that you don't like songs I like, don't share my fetish at all. And it's fine... glad you're honest. I know that you don't like me.
Oh, today I called him on discord and he asked to wait for 5 minutes and never called back... he've got better friends than me... and a boyfriend from Sweedsland. He'll just... have someone how can take care of him. Unlike me. I only need, need, I want, want. I can't give anything, can't make a nice expensive gift, can't take him to another country to live... I'm worthless... Just a helpless baby, but you know... there are real orphans out there. Abandoned and truly helpless, if noone want to take care of them, how do I deserve anything? People want to get something from relationships, I want to get something, but I have nothing to offer...
Freaking heartburn came back... can't sleep even tho I should.
I so want it all to end... I've been suffering in hopes for better future since 10 yo, it's been 13 years, I still wait for suffering to end, but it's not ending!
Ok, just have to endure this school, I'll get in new one next year. Next school is same, ok, mb a bit better, but I'm still bullied a lot and crying almost every day. Ok, just wait until the ninth grade, and you can go to college* but it's not much better in college, keeping up with studying is very hard, than I got excluded on 3rd year, I thought at some moment that I'm very special and smart and all, but turned out I'm not... every year 50% of group got excluded, I never thought I'd be one of them at some point... it's been so much screaming and scandals. I still remember it so very clearly... when mum suggested me to kill myself cz I'm worthless.
- What can I do now!? I told you I did my best! Do I just kill myself now!?
- Yeh, go do exactly that you stupid worthless fat pig!
Every time she phones me now... asking on how do I do... how could she help... or why don't I ever call her first... it's in my ears... I can't unhear it now.
I recovered and tried again next year, finished 3rd year and got excluded on 4th. Recovered again and finished college* in 6 years instead of 4. Worked for one year... for 14500/month (200$/month) full time job. Never got promoted. Couldn't keep living in parents place, can't endure them around myself. So I sent my application for university* and now I'm a student, starting 4th semester. And it never gets better, never gets easier... all my life is "just have to endure this dark bit of life and things will get better". I can't believe in that anymore. Just can't anymore... it will never be good and easy, it always gets worse and worse every year.
Funny... come to think of it... "I've lost everything worth living for"... I haven't. Hahaha! The irony is rich!!! I NEVER HAD ANYTHING WORTH LIVING FOR, I LIVED BECAUSE WAS HOPING I WILL HAVE!!!
Why can't I cry... not fair...
*should clean up terminology now. In normal countries college is a part of university, so going to college is same as going to university. But I Russia it's flipped! College is where you can go before you graduate from high school, you can basically skip 2 last years of school that way, and after 4 years you get a diploma of specialist in something, kinda like degree, but it's nothing out of Russia. Guess you could say that I have a specialist degree in computer science. And university is where you get a bachelor's and master's degree. So yeah, I'm gonna study computer since for 10 fucking years when I graduate. Btw, I hate it. I mentioned, I'm only doing this because it can potentially give me some good money and open opportunities to move out. Not much you can do, if you can barely afford food and a roof over your head, if you just trying to survive.
