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Another day
2 years ago
Today I've been told at work that I stink. Oh really, don't have fucking water for 2 weeks, very fkn mad about it, cz I perfectly aware that I am very dirty and feel it every moment, cz I didn't take shower for 2 weeks, THANKS FOR CARE, HOW ELSE WOULD HAVE I NOTICED!?
Such a nasty feeling... I wanna go to mumy and cry, I just wanna go home. But there is no mum, there is no home and I can't cry. And noone cares about me.
It's Friday at least... I have serious thoughts of getting 2-3 letters of vodka and just sedate myself for all the weekends... but I know it will get worse at monday, but I just can't live... to hell with Monday, I want to stop suffering now.
V got Corona... again! Wtf is wrong with you, I haven't got one ever, when I live in dormitory and I use public transport every day to get to work. At the rush hour! And you sit at your ass playing hunt, warframe and dota all days long! Uuuuh!!!
That means I can't even go ask him to let me take a shower or I'll definitely catch one also.
Uuuuh... I don't know... Guess will buy some bottled water, boil it and get myself a bit cleaner at least.
Donno, it hurts all over... shoulders, guts, feet, head...
Thus one is pretty short so I think I'll just edit this one, instead of creating next.
So, I'm trying to relax and all. But it's not really working out. Like... I know that I have to be relaxed, have to get some strengths to survive another week and to start doing studies stuff. But every single moment I just fucking can't forget about everything. I'm supposed to be chilling but I'm thinking of how shity Monday will be, all the week to be exact. And how bad will my studies be, and what a hard times will I have doing stuff I supposed to do now alone with the stuff I'll have to at that moment in the future.
It's like... I'm feeling in danger always, like something isn't done and it will bite me at some point. And holy fuck I want some kind of playdate.
To hell with playdate, I want to be vulnerable for some time. I want someone to care about me... not like "Oh, too bad it sucks so much for you maaaan, we're all having a hard times now", like really take care of me. I'm so tired, I didn't had a chance be vulnerable since like 10 I think, when we moved into the big city. Since that time when parents got tons of stress and started blowing it all on me... I've lost my safe space then... I had to be strong ever since, take control, take responsibility. I had to be strong to defend myself even at home, only emotionally, ok, but it still means a lot for a kid... to be attacked emotionally by his own parents. Mother to be exact, father never bothered about me. Give him his beer and buzz off.
But Mother... she was very offensive, always. So I learned to be strong and never give her any reactions. I learned to be unemotional, fully, irl many people would consider me heartless, but sorry... sorry I don't feel emotions, I really want to, but I can't. I'm never alone, but in a bad sense. I have to be unemotional or people would start to pick up on me.
I'm feeling like the mental breakdown is coming very close... some minor shit at work will make me go insane and beat the shit out of someone.
But there's not much I can do... it's not like I can just say "Ok, it's all too hard for me, I quit university, I quit job and just gonna got have some fun", I can't. I have no way to go in that case. Nowhere to live, nothing to eat... job gives me food and clothes, and studying gives me some roof over my head.
What do I do? How do I survive it all on my own?
https://youtu.be/Ksipo7tK3xI
Such a nasty feeling... I wanna go to mumy and cry, I just wanna go home. But there is no mum, there is no home and I can't cry. And noone cares about me.
It's Friday at least... I have serious thoughts of getting 2-3 letters of vodka and just sedate myself for all the weekends... but I know it will get worse at monday, but I just can't live... to hell with Monday, I want to stop suffering now.
V got Corona... again! Wtf is wrong with you, I haven't got one ever, when I live in dormitory and I use public transport every day to get to work. At the rush hour! And you sit at your ass playing hunt, warframe and dota all days long! Uuuuh!!!
That means I can't even go ask him to let me take a shower or I'll definitely catch one also.
Uuuuh... I don't know... Guess will buy some bottled water, boil it and get myself a bit cleaner at least.
Donno, it hurts all over... shoulders, guts, feet, head...
Thus one is pretty short so I think I'll just edit this one, instead of creating next.
So, I'm trying to relax and all. But it's not really working out. Like... I know that I have to be relaxed, have to get some strengths to survive another week and to start doing studies stuff. But every single moment I just fucking can't forget about everything. I'm supposed to be chilling but I'm thinking of how shity Monday will be, all the week to be exact. And how bad will my studies be, and what a hard times will I have doing stuff I supposed to do now alone with the stuff I'll have to at that moment in the future.
It's like... I'm feeling in danger always, like something isn't done and it will bite me at some point. And holy fuck I want some kind of playdate.
To hell with playdate, I want to be vulnerable for some time. I want someone to care about me... not like "Oh, too bad it sucks so much for you maaaan, we're all having a hard times now", like really take care of me. I'm so tired, I didn't had a chance be vulnerable since like 10 I think, when we moved into the big city. Since that time when parents got tons of stress and started blowing it all on me... I've lost my safe space then... I had to be strong ever since, take control, take responsibility. I had to be strong to defend myself even at home, only emotionally, ok, but it still means a lot for a kid... to be attacked emotionally by his own parents. Mother to be exact, father never bothered about me. Give him his beer and buzz off.
But Mother... she was very offensive, always. So I learned to be strong and never give her any reactions. I learned to be unemotional, fully, irl many people would consider me heartless, but sorry... sorry I don't feel emotions, I really want to, but I can't. I'm never alone, but in a bad sense. I have to be unemotional or people would start to pick up on me.
I'm feeling like the mental breakdown is coming very close... some minor shit at work will make me go insane and beat the shit out of someone.
But there's not much I can do... it's not like I can just say "Ok, it's all too hard for me, I quit university, I quit job and just gonna got have some fun", I can't. I have no way to go in that case. Nowhere to live, nothing to eat... job gives me food and clothes, and studying gives me some roof over my head.
What do I do? How do I survive it all on my own?
https://youtu.be/Ksipo7tK3xI
