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Must? What if I just don't?
2 years ago
It's been a week since I stoped posting. Mostly due to 0 reaction from anyone. Probably no one reads it anyway. And as I wrote at my bio... I see no point in doing things if no one will see the result. Guess that need just comes from how my parents never reacted to anything I did.
But well, oki, what IF someone, one day will read it... I want to let it out anyway.
So today I just made a decision. I won't do my responsibilitys form at least this month, Fabruary. Like I mostly make it look like I'm doing my job, firing it is, fire me if you want. I stopped doing anything about my studies. I just... relax for now. It's pretty hard, but Rene convinced me that I need it or I'll have a mental breakdown or psychotic episode or something alike.
So... ofc I had thoughts like... "ooo, you'll have huge concicuances! Wanna be expelled from university!? Want troubles at work!?" No, but I have no choise.
The acceptence of that fact, that I have no choise now, that it's either going crazy or that... it made me like... let myself have that time without of selfblame.
So, I hope I'll get my stengths back and deal with that later. Anxiety is no joke, I must stop take it all so seriously right now or it will be worse.
SO, expect another Dota2 char! It's Monkey King! And I gave up on Hoodwink's body cz it was too hard to draw and too ugly to show. Not this time, I won't give up, and I'll make it full body art this time! After this I'll try to start on my fursona! Xenobyte! Or Xen! Yah... you easilly can tell if programmer made that nickname or not lol :D Well, I didn't really made it, it's a nickname of one of characters from an old Russian fiction about games betatesters, called Betatesters! Xenobyte was my fav char. And since it's from like... 2004 I think, I don't think many people even know about this fiction at all, especially in furry fandom, ESPACIALLY in Eng speaking fandom. So, it must be pretty unic for fursona and no one would judge me for using that cool name! I made up a palette!
I learned a bit about meaning of coulors for charaters. So my palette must give watcher the right impression on me. I hope! I'm just trying to start it all right.
I would be happy if I could just order some pro artist make me ref of my sona. But I have no money, economics after a year in war... you know... it's now really good now. All world's economy suffers now, buy in Russia it's a total disaster! Just can't afford spending any extra money on fun stuff. So, I better learn good an make myself something nice! And as I said on previous journals, maybe even get extra money out of it. Cz 400$ for American furry is like... 400, for me it's my monthly wage, 28 000 rub! I belive, if I wouldn't have to spend 8 hrs working, + 1 hr for lunch, +1 hr to get there, + 1hr to get back... 11 hours every day to just live, I would manage making like 10 35$ commisions per mounth to make living. I wouldn't be rich ofc, but I wouldn't have to suffer so much every day! But it's still a loooooong way until it would have any chances of coming to be. 100s of bad arts just for practice, years of learning! like... did you see the first page of "Found"? Original vresion, not the remake. It wasn't too professional, but look where Babystar is now, how much good she can do for people, but it took years of practice!
Hm.. mb I should also start my own comic in same begginer's style, to not lose motivation on continuing. Guess I'd just tell about me in this form. I remember a good quote from one russian pony fanfic, "Muse's hostage" I guess i can translate it like that... aaaah and I have to translate quote as well... something like... if I remember correctlly... "Invented stories don't mean anything, they don't ignite anything inside the reader. In order for your creation to mean something, you will have to cut your heart right out of your chest, beating, bleeding, take it and put it on a snow-white plate! And to present your heart to the reader like that, is the only way to do something meaningful". And people are ussally not willing to take it, unless they are hurt... "You have some nice potential. Broken, supressed, crushed by public opinion and criticism! That 's what I need!".
So, guess I'm fitting in, I'll give you my heart in that comic to come.
Also... mb I'll try to get someone to just talk to, V is good, but I can't talk to one person forever now can I? Since he is very much dislikes ABDL (at least he's honest about it), and I want to talk about it, I would like to get someone... but I really don't know where am I suppose to?
Anyway, geting calmer, getting my strengths back, my health is more important that GPA or wrok, good thing I have Rene to take care about me at least in that way, I love her <3
Good night pretty furs!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rxevv5KpsrE
But well, oki, what IF someone, one day will read it... I want to let it out anyway.
So today I just made a decision. I won't do my responsibilitys form at least this month, Fabruary. Like I mostly make it look like I'm doing my job, firing it is, fire me if you want. I stopped doing anything about my studies. I just... relax for now. It's pretty hard, but Rene convinced me that I need it or I'll have a mental breakdown or psychotic episode or something alike.
So... ofc I had thoughts like... "ooo, you'll have huge concicuances! Wanna be expelled from university!? Want troubles at work!?" No, but I have no choise.
The acceptence of that fact, that I have no choise now, that it's either going crazy or that... it made me like... let myself have that time without of selfblame.
So, I hope I'll get my stengths back and deal with that later. Anxiety is no joke, I must stop take it all so seriously right now or it will be worse.
SO, expect another Dota2 char! It's Monkey King! And I gave up on Hoodwink's body cz it was too hard to draw and too ugly to show. Not this time, I won't give up, and I'll make it full body art this time! After this I'll try to start on my fursona! Xenobyte! Or Xen! Yah... you easilly can tell if programmer made that nickname or not lol :D Well, I didn't really made it, it's a nickname of one of characters from an old Russian fiction about games betatesters, called Betatesters! Xenobyte was my fav char. And since it's from like... 2004 I think, I don't think many people even know about this fiction at all, especially in furry fandom, ESPACIALLY in Eng speaking fandom. So, it must be pretty unic for fursona and no one would judge me for using that cool name! I made up a palette!
I learned a bit about meaning of coulors for charaters. So my palette must give watcher the right impression on me. I hope! I'm just trying to start it all right.
I would be happy if I could just order some pro artist make me ref of my sona. But I have no money, economics after a year in war... you know... it's now really good now. All world's economy suffers now, buy in Russia it's a total disaster! Just can't afford spending any extra money on fun stuff. So, I better learn good an make myself something nice! And as I said on previous journals, maybe even get extra money out of it. Cz 400$ for American furry is like... 400, for me it's my monthly wage, 28 000 rub! I belive, if I wouldn't have to spend 8 hrs working, + 1 hr for lunch, +1 hr to get there, + 1hr to get back... 11 hours every day to just live, I would manage making like 10 35$ commisions per mounth to make living. I wouldn't be rich ofc, but I wouldn't have to suffer so much every day! But it's still a loooooong way until it would have any chances of coming to be. 100s of bad arts just for practice, years of learning! like... did you see the first page of "Found"? Original vresion, not the remake. It wasn't too professional, but look where Babystar is now, how much good she can do for people, but it took years of practice!
Hm.. mb I should also start my own comic in same begginer's style, to not lose motivation on continuing. Guess I'd just tell about me in this form. I remember a good quote from one russian pony fanfic, "Muse's hostage" I guess i can translate it like that... aaaah and I have to translate quote as well... something like... if I remember correctlly... "Invented stories don't mean anything, they don't ignite anything inside the reader. In order for your creation to mean something, you will have to cut your heart right out of your chest, beating, bleeding, take it and put it on a snow-white plate! And to present your heart to the reader like that, is the only way to do something meaningful". And people are ussally not willing to take it, unless they are hurt... "You have some nice potential. Broken, supressed, crushed by public opinion and criticism! That 's what I need!".
So, guess I'm fitting in, I'll give you my heart in that comic to come.
Also... mb I'll try to get someone to just talk to, V is good, but I can't talk to one person forever now can I? Since he is very much dislikes ABDL (at least he's honest about it), and I want to talk about it, I would like to get someone... but I really don't know where am I suppose to?
Anyway, geting calmer, getting my strengths back, my health is more important that GPA or wrok, good thing I have Rene to take care about me at least in that way, I love her <3
Good night pretty furs!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rxevv5KpsrE
