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Random thoughts
2 years ago
I'm shaking all the time every part of my body is trembling all the time, i can't control it at all i am just shaking, my hands are lime from holding working jackhammer for an hour but on constant, i already get used to it but it still stresses me when my head or knees are shaking pretty hard.
My thoughts of suicide are like always here, i thought of many ways of suicide, but i know that i won't do any of it because it will make people around me sad but I don't want to cause anyone problems or pain or sadness. I'm sometimes just lying thinking of disappearing, just dissapear like i never existed, so i would stop making people around me sad and they won't be sad because of my death, they will just leave their happy lives without me messing everything around.
I don't believe people and their words of support, every time i see someone cheering someone it seems so fake for me, all this words are completely same everyone just saying same stock phrases for everybody.
I occasionally have a feeling that I'm learning super fast at computer games, because i already play very good after like 10 minutes and for just an hour i can find ways to break the game's balance. But i feel it more like something bad, because i am always few steps ahead of people i am playing with and they are getting upset because they think that they are playing game bad. Sometimes i wish that i could be more dumb, so i can really have fun while playing with my friends. But it's not a good thing to wish, who knows, maybe my mind is the only actual thing that stops me from suicide or losing consciousness from stress.
Oh, stress, i wish i would know where i am getting ALL this stress that i am starting to become insane, but my life is completely good, i have some stress at a weekday but then i rest on weekends, so i shouldn't get this much stress to start experiencing what i am experiencing now.
I wouldn't wish even to my worst enemy to go through things i am going through right now. I just feel as life passes i want to stop it all and die but i can't do it because it will make people sad, and i don't want to make people upset.
My thoughts of suicide are like always here, i thought of many ways of suicide, but i know that i won't do any of it because it will make people around me sad but I don't want to cause anyone problems or pain or sadness. I'm sometimes just lying thinking of disappearing, just dissapear like i never existed, so i would stop making people around me sad and they won't be sad because of my death, they will just leave their happy lives without me messing everything around.
I don't believe people and their words of support, every time i see someone cheering someone it seems so fake for me, all this words are completely same everyone just saying same stock phrases for everybody.
I occasionally have a feeling that I'm learning super fast at computer games, because i already play very good after like 10 minutes and for just an hour i can find ways to break the game's balance. But i feel it more like something bad, because i am always few steps ahead of people i am playing with and they are getting upset because they think that they are playing game bad. Sometimes i wish that i could be more dumb, so i can really have fun while playing with my friends. But it's not a good thing to wish, who knows, maybe my mind is the only actual thing that stops me from suicide or losing consciousness from stress.
Oh, stress, i wish i would know where i am getting ALL this stress that i am starting to become insane, but my life is completely good, i have some stress at a weekday but then i rest on weekends, so i shouldn't get this much stress to start experiencing what i am experiencing now.
I wouldn't wish even to my worst enemy to go through things i am going through right now. I just feel as life passes i want to stop it all and die but i can't do it because it will make people sad, and i don't want to make people upset.
