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Vore PTSD. What??? [Not What You Think!]
8 months ago
>>>If this journal is before 2020, I was younger than 18 and experienced a lot of neurological trauma :woozy_face:
>>>If this journal is before 2022 August 17th this was before I was a furry!
>>>If this journal is before 2022 August 17th this was before I was a furry!
It may be what you think, but I'm going off the premise that it's not.
And no, this doesn't mean anything against me being a vore pred - it's actually why I'm not a vore prey lmao. So don't worry about any stuff I post changing or ceasing in that regard :D
I feel like this is something I probably should discuss so I don't have to explain myself every time someone teases consuming me or something - rather just pointing to this journal. Also because I find it interesting and really weird that I experience anything of this sort - it just doesn't make sense, y'know y'know?
Yes, I'm pretty serious (although comically-seeming) about "vore PTSD" - certain images of vore or certain contexts involving vore can freak me TF out and make tweak like crazy. I do a terrible summary of why and how with https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10548352/ . With an even worse summary - I basically had a weird alter-ego, alternate personality, "plural", "headmate" that was hellbent on vore, obsessed, and it tanked my mental health VERY badly. It making an account here when I was 15 turning 16 and me getting rid of it when I was 17. It had been in my head for way longer - prob about when I was 11 or 12?
Anyways, did I have a crippling vore addiction? Well yes, but actually no.
As I mention, this was a "headmate" - a separate individual, a separate thinking being from myself - inside of my head. It had its own goals, wants, and thoughts separate from my own. If we're mentioning technicalities - it had the crippling vore addiction, not me ;p
It made vore my problem, and punished (usually quite severely, if you can imagine that somehow happening neurologically) me for not fulfilling its goals and kinda spread throughout my brain tryin' to take me over. Explains why I'm a furry and into vore today - because of such a beautiful garden of eden that the funky headmate thing created... *sarcasm*
Anyways you're here about the "vore PTSD", not the lore.
Basically, yes, as I quickly mentioned - I freak and tweak TF out - and there's certain levels. E.g. if you tease about eating me, all that's probably going to happen is that I'll get pissy (after giving a stern warning or being avoidant of it) - and I won't really freak out - I know how to control my emotions >;p . Wouldn't block tho, I'm very tolerant and it takes a lightyear worth of a track record to get me to ever block you - at most I'll usually unfriend if you keep persisting unless we share a server (and thus a point of communication) then yeah I might block - but you'd have to do it like 300 times or something (do not try it to test >:P ).
But say, you show me a vore art that the weird "headmate" tortured me with, then the "freaking out" starts brewing in the recesses of my mind. I can also USUALLY deal with this - but enough images or if I'm already feeling tired/down/depressed enough and it can begin spiraling out of control. Even thinking about or reading about the whole situation can screw with me quite a bit.
With my fursona, I got eaten once to see how I'd enjoy it - I'm down to experiment and wanted to see how I'd fare. My brain went DEEP into the crapper and my brain still stresses about it sometimes to this day (the fact I can remember and detail it is another indicator of this...) - so that's how well that worked out lmfao. So this actively prevents me from EVER being prey
At most severe, looking at Leo the Wolf/Radar the AWD stuff REALLY screws with it (even talking about it sometimes, so I run a risk talking about him or finding funny stuff he's made). The weird "headmate" tortured me the most with his vore art. It's actually so bad that even the colours of his fursona can screw with me - I can only look at the Estonian flag for a limited time or clear mind LMAO.
I've tried many methods of trying to get rid of it, but it's always failed or gotten worse. E.g. doing self-medicated exposure therapy with a clear mind or as lacking of a distractive environment, not thinking about it for a while, avoiding stuff like it as much as possible, trying to think of other things when I see stuff like it.
All failed and made it worse in some circumstances. I imagine I probably need a better environment to actually try these in - not being subjected to constant stress or privacy invasion - but it seems pretty set in stone and I don't like it being set in stone... Last idea would be to talk with him to see if that closes a door on something, gives my brain closure, but as it stands, yeah, the blue black and white wolf now AWD somehow makes my brain and even body go insaneeee
I think it was due to some form of parasocial relationship. I know the said weird "headmate" was obsessed with him, declaring him god-like lmfao. Then the weird "headmate" did weird stuff and now I have some weird mental amalgamation of what it created. I still deal with this weird "parasocial relationship" - but the thing is, it's not love it's not happiness it's not obsession in a traditional sense. It's obsessive fear, a genuine erratic fear (mixed with some other negative stuff?) - of AN IMAGE, of a COLOUR PALETTE, like god DAMN bro that's what??? I kinda go on a rant about it in https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10573022/ pfft
Anyways I should tell you where the "PTSD" part comes from. I don't think I've ever genuinely experienced PTSD or any sufficient stimuli to actually develop it; but reading up on its symptoms - I get a lot of said symptoms with this "vore PTSD".
I get cold sweats, sometimes a fever, lots of shaking/trembling, lack of balance, woozy/near passing out sometimes, depersonalization and derealization, sometimes breathing difficulties, mass anxiety/"excitement" (anxiety excitement), heart palpitations/fast heartbeat, irritability, feeling tense, concentration problems, and... I think there's more but I can't remember it
Do I want to see a doctor about this in particular? Yes. Do I have a safe environment to? No not really. Do I feel comfortable physically speaking to someone about how pixels on a screen - images of a wolf with an engorged gut - make my brain go insane? Not really either. There's discomforts in life that you have to overcome, certainly, but seeking actual help with this in any meaningful capacity at the current moment seems very high risk very low reward - especially with my mother's behaviours.
And this "vore PTSD" has an ACTUAL OBSERVABLE physical effect. My mother was taking me to this clinic to check vitals and allergens one day, and I decided to look at Leo stuff before going to figure out if I experience any actual bodily effect from this "vore PTSD" - experiment of some sort. One of the doctors checked my blood pressure and had asked if I was anxious about it - which I wasn't - I was pretty cool about the whole thing but I of course don't want to say "oh no it was because I looked at images of an anthropomorphic wolf with a large stomach" so I went along with it LMAO.
I asked the doc what the blood pressure reading was and they told me it was 160/90 - and let me remind you - this was like 2 hours after looking at the images, so this "vore PTSD" STICKS and LASTS. According to a google, apparently 160/90 is stage 2 hypertension ;p
I didn't have the best control of course - I'm not sure what my normal reading is - but I was still feeling the effects of said "vore PTSD" so I imagine it was correlated to that and not my actual base reading.
TL;DR: there really isn't a TL;DR for this, the whole context is quite a show
Yeah if I sound dismissive it is because I actually am, I find it atrociously silly that I experience something, anything of this sort. Something I live with but I find it funny AF. It's illogical but it doesn't care about logic or what makes sense, it just does what it does.
And no, this doesn't mean anything against me being a vore pred - it's actually why I'm not a vore prey lmao. So don't worry about any stuff I post changing or ceasing in that regard :D
I feel like this is something I probably should discuss so I don't have to explain myself every time someone teases consuming me or something - rather just pointing to this journal. Also because I find it interesting and really weird that I experience anything of this sort - it just doesn't make sense, y'know y'know?
Yes, I'm pretty serious (although comically-seeming) about "vore PTSD" - certain images of vore or certain contexts involving vore can freak me TF out and make tweak like crazy. I do a terrible summary of why and how with https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10548352/ . With an even worse summary - I basically had a weird alter-ego, alternate personality, "plural", "headmate" that was hellbent on vore, obsessed, and it tanked my mental health VERY badly. It making an account here when I was 15 turning 16 and me getting rid of it when I was 17. It had been in my head for way longer - prob about when I was 11 or 12?
Anyways, did I have a crippling vore addiction? Well yes, but actually no.
As I mention, this was a "headmate" - a separate individual, a separate thinking being from myself - inside of my head. It had its own goals, wants, and thoughts separate from my own. If we're mentioning technicalities - it had the crippling vore addiction, not me ;p
It made vore my problem, and punished (usually quite severely, if you can imagine that somehow happening neurologically) me for not fulfilling its goals and kinda spread throughout my brain tryin' to take me over. Explains why I'm a furry and into vore today - because of such a beautiful garden of eden that the funky headmate thing created... *sarcasm*
Anyways you're here about the "vore PTSD", not the lore.
Basically, yes, as I quickly mentioned - I freak and tweak TF out - and there's certain levels. E.g. if you tease about eating me, all that's probably going to happen is that I'll get pissy (after giving a stern warning or being avoidant of it) - and I won't really freak out - I know how to control my emotions >;p . Wouldn't block tho, I'm very tolerant and it takes a lightyear worth of a track record to get me to ever block you - at most I'll usually unfriend if you keep persisting unless we share a server (and thus a point of communication) then yeah I might block - but you'd have to do it like 300 times or something (do not try it to test >:P ).
But say, you show me a vore art that the weird "headmate" tortured me with, then the "freaking out" starts brewing in the recesses of my mind. I can also USUALLY deal with this - but enough images or if I'm already feeling tired/down/depressed enough and it can begin spiraling out of control. Even thinking about or reading about the whole situation can screw with me quite a bit.
With my fursona, I got eaten once to see how I'd enjoy it - I'm down to experiment and wanted to see how I'd fare. My brain went DEEP into the crapper and my brain still stresses about it sometimes to this day (the fact I can remember and detail it is another indicator of this...) - so that's how well that worked out lmfao. So this actively prevents me from EVER being prey
At most severe, looking at Leo the Wolf/Radar the AWD stuff REALLY screws with it (even talking about it sometimes, so I run a risk talking about him or finding funny stuff he's made). The weird "headmate" tortured me the most with his vore art. It's actually so bad that even the colours of his fursona can screw with me - I can only look at the Estonian flag for a limited time or clear mind LMAO.
I've tried many methods of trying to get rid of it, but it's always failed or gotten worse. E.g. doing self-medicated exposure therapy with a clear mind or as lacking of a distractive environment, not thinking about it for a while, avoiding stuff like it as much as possible, trying to think of other things when I see stuff like it.
All failed and made it worse in some circumstances. I imagine I probably need a better environment to actually try these in - not being subjected to constant stress or privacy invasion - but it seems pretty set in stone and I don't like it being set in stone... Last idea would be to talk with him to see if that closes a door on something, gives my brain closure, but as it stands, yeah, the blue black and white wolf now AWD somehow makes my brain and even body go insaneeee
I think it was due to some form of parasocial relationship. I know the said weird "headmate" was obsessed with him, declaring him god-like lmfao. Then the weird "headmate" did weird stuff and now I have some weird mental amalgamation of what it created. I still deal with this weird "parasocial relationship" - but the thing is, it's not love it's not happiness it's not obsession in a traditional sense. It's obsessive fear, a genuine erratic fear (mixed with some other negative stuff?) - of AN IMAGE, of a COLOUR PALETTE, like god DAMN bro that's what??? I kinda go on a rant about it in https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10573022/ pfft
Anyways I should tell you where the "PTSD" part comes from. I don't think I've ever genuinely experienced PTSD or any sufficient stimuli to actually develop it; but reading up on its symptoms - I get a lot of said symptoms with this "vore PTSD".
I get cold sweats, sometimes a fever, lots of shaking/trembling, lack of balance, woozy/near passing out sometimes, depersonalization and derealization, sometimes breathing difficulties, mass anxiety/"excitement" (anxiety excitement), heart palpitations/fast heartbeat, irritability, feeling tense, concentration problems, and... I think there's more but I can't remember it
Do I want to see a doctor about this in particular? Yes. Do I have a safe environment to? No not really. Do I feel comfortable physically speaking to someone about how pixels on a screen - images of a wolf with an engorged gut - make my brain go insane? Not really either. There's discomforts in life that you have to overcome, certainly, but seeking actual help with this in any meaningful capacity at the current moment seems very high risk very low reward - especially with my mother's behaviours.
And this "vore PTSD" has an ACTUAL OBSERVABLE physical effect. My mother was taking me to this clinic to check vitals and allergens one day, and I decided to look at Leo stuff before going to figure out if I experience any actual bodily effect from this "vore PTSD" - experiment of some sort. One of the doctors checked my blood pressure and had asked if I was anxious about it - which I wasn't - I was pretty cool about the whole thing but I of course don't want to say "oh no it was because I looked at images of an anthropomorphic wolf with a large stomach" so I went along with it LMAO.
I asked the doc what the blood pressure reading was and they told me it was 160/90 - and let me remind you - this was like 2 hours after looking at the images, so this "vore PTSD" STICKS and LASTS. According to a google, apparently 160/90 is stage 2 hypertension ;p
I didn't have the best control of course - I'm not sure what my normal reading is - but I was still feeling the effects of said "vore PTSD" so I imagine it was correlated to that and not my actual base reading.
TL;DR: there really isn't a TL;DR for this, the whole context is quite a show
Yeah if I sound dismissive it is because I actually am, I find it atrociously silly that I experience something, anything of this sort. Something I live with but I find it funny AF. It's illogical but it doesn't care about logic or what makes sense, it just does what it does.
and you have PTSD too? :ooo from what? tho I imagine that's too personal to mention publicly or to anyoneee