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[Vent-ish?] A Week and some Change Later
7 months ago
>>>If this journal is before 2020, I was younger than 18 and experienced a lot of neurological trauma :woozy_face:
>>>If this journal is before 2022 August 17th this was before I was a furry!
>>>If this journal is before 2022 August 17th this was before I was a furry!
So, been about 8 days since I left to an AirBnB. Still been quite the eventful week, mother had reported me as a missing person a few days back lmfao - that was quite awkward and nerve-wracking (she doesn't trust me lmao).
Has it been generally less stressful? Hell yeah, I'm even managing a mostly consistent sleep schedule (because I'm not avoiding people and don't have to stay up at odd hours to... be myself). My brain still isn't fully used to it, still has some hiccups there and mother is able to pull at said hiccups relatively well when they shine outward, parts of my brain still think everything can be restored back to the way it was and it's like - no, I should keep on this path, I know I didn't have any longterm plan with my mother, especially one that'd involve my safety and continuance as an individual.
Has mother been stressing me about it all though? Yeah, making me feel like some vile creature and victim complex'ing me - and when I pointed this out - said that she wasn't... And when I pointed it to her directly in text - then said text wasn't the best way to communicate things (it is for me, as it keeps a history and my brain can't handle too much words at once, lags like Internet Explorer lmao) or said I was misunderstanding things lol. I remember she was asking me why I left, so I wrote 3 to 4 sizable paragraphs, and she just went "I don't know any of these stories, but you need help" and I called her out for calling them "stories" - saying how she wasn't listening to me or even cared. She said I misunderstood her use of "stories" - and it's like, what is there to *misunderstand*, you just told me that what I said essentially didn't matter. She would later say that it did matter or something - but added that I misunderstood things and made them out to be "out of proportion". What's most funny is that on several occasions, she's said "I'll move mountains for you to come back" and it's like, you can't even listen to me, you can't even move the mountain of *listening* to me.
I should cut her out, she's mentioned that she doesn't want to be cut out, that she wants to maintain a familial relationship with me - and I also haven't wanted to burn bridges (I initially did, but brain changed that idea on a dime) - but parts of my brain still want to keep it going, and also because she pays for my phone service (I've offered money to pay for it but she's declined it ;p). Also because I'm not sure what she's going to plan to do next, and I also want to make sure my other siblings and people that were in my life aren't too affected by the aftermath of my leaving.
Even despite how much she actively tries to burn bridges while saying she doesn't want to - she's certainly quite the character.
I have 'til the 30th of April to ensure I got everything to go to the UK (legal stuff like a passport and work/stay visa? I forgot the name of it). Been having some trouble with getting the resources and people to do it, but there's hope. The ideal hope is that I can be out of the AirBnB before time is up, but it certainly is ticking.
What's my excuse for not replying this time? Just the general stress has distracted me, and also wanting to make sure I can do anything as soon as possible - as much as possible. If I'm not waiting on anything, I want to be doing things that can help me get that passport and visa. Still getting used to things and getting the hang of it all, still figuring out how to divide and utilize my time, and also still mentally recovering. Starting to reply to stuff now, and should be editing up stuff and drawing stuff more for the soon forseeable future :3
Been mostly focusing on programming too https://codeberg.org/TPH?tab=activity - just cause it calms me down more and I haven't been too mentally active for more explicit content lmfao - I want to make sure I can give a nice show :D
Has it been generally less stressful? Hell yeah, I'm even managing a mostly consistent sleep schedule (because I'm not avoiding people and don't have to stay up at odd hours to... be myself). My brain still isn't fully used to it, still has some hiccups there and mother is able to pull at said hiccups relatively well when they shine outward, parts of my brain still think everything can be restored back to the way it was and it's like - no, I should keep on this path, I know I didn't have any longterm plan with my mother, especially one that'd involve my safety and continuance as an individual.
Has mother been stressing me about it all though? Yeah, making me feel like some vile creature and victim complex'ing me - and when I pointed this out - said that she wasn't... And when I pointed it to her directly in text - then said text wasn't the best way to communicate things (it is for me, as it keeps a history and my brain can't handle too much words at once, lags like Internet Explorer lmao) or said I was misunderstanding things lol. I remember she was asking me why I left, so I wrote 3 to 4 sizable paragraphs, and she just went "I don't know any of these stories, but you need help" and I called her out for calling them "stories" - saying how she wasn't listening to me or even cared. She said I misunderstood her use of "stories" - and it's like, what is there to *misunderstand*, you just told me that what I said essentially didn't matter. She would later say that it did matter or something - but added that I misunderstood things and made them out to be "out of proportion". What's most funny is that on several occasions, she's said "I'll move mountains for you to come back" and it's like, you can't even listen to me, you can't even move the mountain of *listening* to me.
I should cut her out, she's mentioned that she doesn't want to be cut out, that she wants to maintain a familial relationship with me - and I also haven't wanted to burn bridges (I initially did, but brain changed that idea on a dime) - but parts of my brain still want to keep it going, and also because she pays for my phone service (I've offered money to pay for it but she's declined it ;p). Also because I'm not sure what she's going to plan to do next, and I also want to make sure my other siblings and people that were in my life aren't too affected by the aftermath of my leaving.
Even despite how much she actively tries to burn bridges while saying she doesn't want to - she's certainly quite the character.
I have 'til the 30th of April to ensure I got everything to go to the UK (legal stuff like a passport and work/stay visa? I forgot the name of it). Been having some trouble with getting the resources and people to do it, but there's hope. The ideal hope is that I can be out of the AirBnB before time is up, but it certainly is ticking.
What's my excuse for not replying this time? Just the general stress has distracted me, and also wanting to make sure I can do anything as soon as possible - as much as possible. If I'm not waiting on anything, I want to be doing things that can help me get that passport and visa. Still getting used to things and getting the hang of it all, still figuring out how to divide and utilize my time, and also still mentally recovering. Starting to reply to stuff now, and should be editing up stuff and drawing stuff more for the soon forseeable future :3
Been mostly focusing on programming too https://codeberg.org/TPH?tab=activity - just cause it calms me down more and I haven't been too mentally active for more explicit content lmfao - I want to make sure I can give a nice show :D
Hope that you're doing alright doggo dude.