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Difficult question.
6 months ago
I want to open something up to the public for comment. My mother got married to my stepfather about 12 years ago. They'd been on-and-off since before I was born. The "off" parts usually came about because of verbally, emotionally, and even physically abusive behavior from him towards both of us. I was in my mid-20's when they got married and did not move back in with them, so while his patterns of behavior continued, I couldn't do much other than advocate for my mother to divorce the prick. She's an adult and has the right to live her own life after all. Didn't mean I had to like it though.
Then, a couple years ago, my stepfather was diagnosed with bladder cancer. Only stage 1, but it's very aggressive and is not responding to treatments. They're down to the final options at this point. It's still only stage 1 thanks to constant surgeries removing the tumors, but if this last treatment doesn't work, the bladder will have to come out. He is refusing outright to have his bladder removed, saying he would rather die. Which he will. It's cancer. It WILL spread eventually and that WILL kill him. The doctor won't continue removing tumors every couple months for a man who's too stubborn to face reality and take the only option left to him, and even if the doctor was willing, insurance wouldn't keep paying for it.
The problem is that I'm telling my mother she should leave him. She was already contemplating divorce due to his extremely abusive and erratic behavior since they got married (and before) and now he's putting her in a position to watch him slowly die and take care of him throughout the process. As soon as the cancer diagnosis popped up though, she immediately stopped considering divorce as an option, feeling that it would make her a "terrible person" for leaving her partner with cancer alone in his "time of need." Despite his continued abuse. Despite the fact she was already in talks with divorce lawyers before the cancer.
My argument is that he's ACTIVELY CHOOSING to refuse the surgery necessary to save his life. Instead, he's being stubborn and knowingly steering his life down the path of suffering and death. He's also knowingly dragging her along for the ride, knowing that she will have to care for him as his health fails. Even ignoring the abuse (which I shouldn't) the fact that he has an opportunity to avoid committing the longest, most painful suicide possible and is refusing entirely because of something about manhood (his dick and balls will not be touched btw) makes me feel that he is breaking his vows to her first.
My question is this: Would she still be a "terrible person" for leaving him under these circumstances. I've been saying no, but she says I'm biased in her favor, which is absolutely true. Therefore, I want neutral opinions on whether she would be justified in leaving if he keeps refusing the surgery or if doing so would make her evil in some way.
Then, a couple years ago, my stepfather was diagnosed with bladder cancer. Only stage 1, but it's very aggressive and is not responding to treatments. They're down to the final options at this point. It's still only stage 1 thanks to constant surgeries removing the tumors, but if this last treatment doesn't work, the bladder will have to come out. He is refusing outright to have his bladder removed, saying he would rather die. Which he will. It's cancer. It WILL spread eventually and that WILL kill him. The doctor won't continue removing tumors every couple months for a man who's too stubborn to face reality and take the only option left to him, and even if the doctor was willing, insurance wouldn't keep paying for it.
The problem is that I'm telling my mother she should leave him. She was already contemplating divorce due to his extremely abusive and erratic behavior since they got married (and before) and now he's putting her in a position to watch him slowly die and take care of him throughout the process. As soon as the cancer diagnosis popped up though, she immediately stopped considering divorce as an option, feeling that it would make her a "terrible person" for leaving her partner with cancer alone in his "time of need." Despite his continued abuse. Despite the fact she was already in talks with divorce lawyers before the cancer.
My argument is that he's ACTIVELY CHOOSING to refuse the surgery necessary to save his life. Instead, he's being stubborn and knowingly steering his life down the path of suffering and death. He's also knowingly dragging her along for the ride, knowing that she will have to care for him as his health fails. Even ignoring the abuse (which I shouldn't) the fact that he has an opportunity to avoid committing the longest, most painful suicide possible and is refusing entirely because of something about manhood (his dick and balls will not be touched btw) makes me feel that he is breaking his vows to her first.
My question is this: Would she still be a "terrible person" for leaving him under these circumstances. I've been saying no, but she says I'm biased in her favor, which is absolutely true. Therefore, I want neutral opinions on whether she would be justified in leaving if he keeps refusing the surgery or if doing so would make her evil in some way.
If it were me..... I'd get out while I still could before he leaves an even worse psychological wound.....
Field medics and doctors have saved the lives of their enemies all the time because they need to be helped. Friend or enemy, they were still patients first.
There is just no winning. I could not rightfully judge her as a terrible person choosing to leave. One choice does not reflect on her as a whole. Especially in this situation. Because if she leaves, she is looking after her wellbeing which I cannot fault her for, but it comes at the cost of knowing someone is suffering at the end, but you cannot help everyone, and sometimes your own wellbeing outweighs that of another.
The question then becomes, can she knowingly leave and accept the choice without being burdened by guilt. Guilt will eat you alive if you let it.
You aren't dealing with logical outcomes, if everyone and everything were logical, we would have much fewer problems in the world, but we don't. So thus the lose/lose on the emotional appeal. She is perfectly within her right mind to feel guilty over someone suffering, even when it is self inflicted, because that is empathy and compassion.
Ultimately, you think you have the right answer here, there is a logical one that would be best and lead to the most positive outcome for both of them, but whether it is right or wrong is not for you or I to judge. And trust me, several years ago I would surely be in a different frame of mind, I would say there is a definite right answer, but I have had to learn that even knowing the best most optimal solution to a problem is neither right nor wrong when it comes to dealing with people on an emotional level.
All you can do is try to show her how it will be negative for her and her wellbeing to not leave because of the self inflicted suffering, but ultimately at the end of the day, she has to make that choice, and all I can say is have empathy and compassion for your mom, this is a situation where no one wins if her husband is so hellbent on inflicting his own suffering.
This is human psychology and it suck miserably.
We are talking about two people, two individuals. We aren't talking about grand scale problems that humanity as a whole faces. We are talking about something that is happening on a microcosm that will have little impact beyond its immediate sphere of influence, which right now is just your mom, her husband, and you. Both you and I are aware of the objective reality of the situation. We know what is coming. But again, on a person to person level, having empathy and compassion is not inhuman, it is one of the most human things we can do. It is the lack of empathy and compassion that has also led to so many problems.
It is "our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another." We cannot control the actions of others, be we can choose how we respond to those actions. She doesn't have to stay, nor does she have to leave. It is ultimately he choice, and is ultimate his choice to die a slow, painful death, and maybe when he is finally on his death bed, gasping for air he will realize his mistake, once it is too late. But I cannot judge her either way. I understand both sides, having empathy and compassion when you shouldn't and leaving for your own well being. There is no 'right choice' for this situation. There is merely the reality, the truth, of the situation, and they are adults, it is their decisions to make, you can fight and plead with her all you like, but just like the horse, you cannot make them drink.
She loses both ways, she stays and he drags her along with him, down that path of a slow and painful death, showing compassion for someone she should have no compassion for. Or she leaves, and then feels guilty for a long while, hopefully not losing herself to the guilt. The latter with therapy and counseling will likely be the better result in the long term, but she is going to need therapy counseling regardless of her choice. Either to get over the pain and suffering he has inflicted upon her or to help ease the guilt of leaving and the "what if" problem.
That is why I said, this is a losing choice. She will not win, there is simply the lesser of the two options.