back on the 25th January 2024 i had a work accident with a mini forklift, in german its called "E-Ameise" if you copy that on google you see what machine i used. I was 20 years old and had to be forklift certified to use this machine, however my boss said i dont need one to use it. 4 months later on the 25th January 2025 the 1 ton/2204,63 Pounds forklift drove up my steelcaps work boots from behind, then from the sole, then drove up on my heel on my left leg and dragged my feet with one ton 2 to 3 meter on the asphalt. My left feet had the Achilles' tendon completly open, even the ambulance could touch my Achilles' tendon with his own fingers. My First i got told my bones on my feet got moved (which it wasnt but later on that) and i need 6 weeks for recovery. On the 4th march 2024 the doctor was shocked that my leg still pains as ahrd as if it were broken so i had to check a specialist for a diagnose of CRPS Type 1 which got confirmed on march 11th 2024. Something the doctor didnt told me was that my left feet didnt had the "bones moved" but actually my left had a 5 times fraction and i should been operated immedialty, however it only was found out 2 weeks after the incident so they couldnt operate me anymore because the fractures were directly on my Achilles' tendon and if they operated it now the chances of them damaging my Achilles' tendon even worse or even destroy it fully were too high so they had to hope the bones wont recover too false because they cant risk that i loose my entire leg from the bone operation on my feet. The doctor didnt wanted to tell my anything because CRPS Type 1 has no cure. Every second im living the disability can go away but it normally stays until im dead, so its realistic that for the rest of my life i have CRPS Type 1. Because of CRPS i barely can move myself around at all. At bad days i need to call a nurse to help me get on the toilet and even shower myself like an 70 years old grandpa despite me being 20 at that time. The doctor expected this result of me not being able to move around anymore for the next 50 years. My doctor was afraid that if he said this to a 20 years old boy that i was that i would kill myself. Truth be said, if i wouldnt had found all that out slowly in the last 18 months and the news all instandly i would had killed myself but like that i managed to endure it all and accept the news slowly which is why i barely talk nowadays. I need time to recieve new news of how msierable all this has gotten to not end up depressed and killing myself. Im not being able to even workout anymore and multiple hospitals said im not able to work anymore at all and wanted. Because of my misshealed bones on my left leg i cant stand without feeling heavy pain by simply standing, walking hurts heavily and sitting hurts too but not that much like standing. Since that day every day when i see my parents they cry, my grandparents who currently are in the warfields in ukraine cry more about me than of their own wellbeing, my aunts and uncles in russia cry and worry more about me than their own safity. My family suffers constandly because of me and thats breaking me that im the reason my family is in misery. Thats a fact that they are sad because of me, sadly.
In january 2024 i was 3 weeks in hospital. They made me starving there, feeding me 2 breads a day and one small soup a day. I took around 1100 calories a day in hospital despite my body using almost 2k calories a day if i only lie down and not move. I had to sneak out from hospital with crutches to get some food because i was forbidden to leave the hospital. I got my colon checked there aswell because a nurse found me bleeding the entire toilet full. Nothing was found in my colon and there was the posibility of colon cancer.
On february this year i was in another hospital and i got tested of how well i even can work because germany only cares for me if they can get money from me. Results were so horrible that even the work union were completly shocked and hired an agency to help me find a workplace while all my therapies got canceled because they all gave on further therapy for my body, then got constandly sexually assulted by a therapist who grabbed my ass and hips aggresively while panting heavily and i couldnt even dare to do anything when i barely can walk to begin with against some muscle man in his 30s that i even told the womans there working that i dont wanna be with him anymore because of his heavy panting and constandly grabbing my asscheeks and thighs, which is reasonable because the therapy is in these areas. I was 21 years old at this time. Then i had a psychlogist checking on me for the fear of depression. For whatever reasons some random nurse in hospital told her that i and my parents have a war trauma because of my mother fleeing the country because the USSR broke up and my father fighting said civil war in 1993 as a 16 years old boy. My parents have no trauma and i dont have one either. Another thing she wrote down was that i have no childhood. From when i was 8 years old i was forced to take pills against my mental disability. I had to take these pills for 9 and a half years until i was almost 18 years old. Came out that i had for almsot 10 years a heavy side effect of my personality changing too heavy from the pills. When i was 18 the side effects were gone and i started to loose my memories from between 8 and 17 years old. Since 2 years i barely even remember anything in my childhood. All i remember is the time between 4 to 7 and from 18 to today. I barely can remember anything from between 8 to 17 anymore.
In April i had immensly amout of blood lost from my asshole, once even was so much that my blood went down my thighs and legs as if i got stabbed. I went to the ambulance and got my colon checked again. Nothing found. A few weeks later i got another camera thru my colon to check where the constand and heavy blood lost comes from because i peed a bit of blood too at that time.
since the 23th July the union stopped paying me 80% of my old paycheck, which was slightly above 1000€ a month and i recieve now 742€ a month, despite my apartment costing 500€ and my gas and electricity costing 160€. For my apartment alone i need to pay 660€ while only getting 742€ a month. With wifi and my phone bills i need to pay 700€ a month while the city refuses to pay me more than 742€ despite me being unable to work and move ON PAPER. I had to steal noodles and minced meet from the store 3 times already just so i could eat something. I need to burrow 200€ a month just to eat food. Right now im in dept of 1100€ for burrowing money for survival. I recieved a 600€ knife in Counter Strike 2 which i solt for 480€ which is how i even could paid off said dept yet i still need to burrow money for food.
Today i recieved a mail from said union that they told said agency to stop any help they gave me so far because they believe me being never be able to work anymore and told me that my pension request got denied because of me only working 38 month instead of 6 years despite me not being able to work anymore at all from multiple experts and hospitals.
2 days ago my pubic hair area started to itch heavy. Yesterday i saw an extremly dark spot in my pubic hair area in the size of around 7mm that isnt fully round and is as hard as a wart.
Im 100% sure its black skin cancer. It explains the heavy bloodlost i have for so long, it explains the heavy itching, it explains the black spot. I have seen black skin cancer multiple times in media and even once in real life by a friend of my father. It exactly looks like black skin cancer and all symptoms i currently have are fitting too. I have to go to the doctor on monday because they are closed until monday and the hospital would just redirect me to my doctor first.

Thats why i always decline all the friend request im getting here and barely write anyone. I truly am gradeful that so many wanna chat with me but my life is spiraling down and i dont wanna have new friends which are a risk of me feeling down or bad if we dont get along. My psyche are affecting my CRPS aswell so when im sad or feeling negative i wont be able to walk for an hour or two. I had to force myself being even colder than i already am for my own health, aswell as i need too much time for myself to just handle everything.
Speaking of CRPS Type one again, i also got the really rare case of the desiease spreading around my body. Atfirst it was just my left feet, then it became my left leg, then both my legs and today its my entire lower body, the right side of my face, my spine and my left arm and left hand.

I deserve all this. I know what cruel things i have done the last 4 and a half years and i see all of this as punishment. Thats one of two reasons why i even continue living. I dont remember my past, my present is pure suffering and there is no future i can build up. The second reason is that we cant see into the future. We dont know what happens tommorrow. This gives me faith that one day this all will be worth it and i refuse to give up early enough. One day being pantience and enduring all this will be worth it i just know it, besides i wont run away from my punishment of my actions either.
These two things are the only things that makes me continue despite having no reason and no chains that are bonding me strong enough to anyone or anything.

After this post i will start posting a few new commissions i got before july 23th. I did manage to commission a few other furries past 23th july aswell but i had to stop eating a few days to save up enough money for a commission. Its not that bad because of me barely being able to move i lsot almost all my muscles i trained and got really fat sadly, 100kg to be exact which is just around 7kg too much on my size which is obese but i managed to loose 2kg already so my BMI at the moment should be around 30 which is still is bad but im working on it but its really hard when just working out for 20 minutes makes my affected areas, which is like 70% if not 80% of my body heavily swollen, blue and just painful to move around, even sitting hurts too much and that for the next few days.