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No Man Is An Island; Long, Drama Filled, Emo.
18 years ago
Do you ever get the feeling that you're stuck? Like, you've been running the same circles you're entire life; and it suddenly dawns on you that it doesn't matter? That you've been moving around the same places, talking to the same groups of people, for as long as you can remember, and it has eventually become meaningless and superficial?
I've been feeling that for a while. I don't know quite how to describe it without sounding like the stereotypically emo or angsty teenager. It's like... Everything I've done up to this point, all of my so-called achievements; they're all meager. Not of it matters, because nothing I do leaves a mark. I've acted, I've written stories, I've even publishes my own game, albeit on a site dedicated to a meager portion of Earth's population. And yet, I'm still here.
And, where is here? I don't even know. It's nothing, exactly nothing; and that's the problem. I started nowhere, and that's exactly where I've stayed for the last 17 years. Despite my best efforts, my life up to this point amounts to, what? Nothing.
And I know I'm only 17, but... Almost everyone I know personally has done something with themselves by this point. They all found their "calling" in life, and have gotte themselves somewhere. Oh, sure, I found calling. But what has it gotten me? 17 years of being stuck in this rut, and 6 years of wasted time trying to accomplish the futile goal of making a name for myself. All of my friends know exactly what they want to do with their lives. Wrestling, game design, and verious other things. And they've been able to apply themselves to those ends, doing what needs to be done to fucking get there. But I can't. And it's not the Clinical Depression, or the ADHD. I've grown over that, grown into control of it. It's not a lack of acting upon motivation; it's the complete inability to develop motivation.
But that isn't even the end of it. Not only in the long run, but also in there here and now do my efforst amount to nothing. Let's look at the case of my mates,
maverickk and 
blueskyiies . I love them. I really, really do. I don't care if you think I'm too young to "know what love is," or to be sure about anything of that nature. I've never been this damned sure about anything in my entire life. I love them. But... It's like, our conversations are often the same thing over and over. Me saying, "Hey there babe, how are you," or something to that effect. Them responding in kind. And then just general babble that is absolutely meaningless. I never ask the really important questions, the ones that tell me who they are as people, rather than just the bundles of electrons that form the words I talk to, without provocation or prodding.
I shouldn't fucking need to be prodded to do that! I shouldn't fucking need to be asked, "Hey, wanna' know something about me," to fucking ask! I just never think of asking unless given direction. That's pathetic, and shouldn't even be the case. And I know that they, whoever they are, always say, "Knowing is half the battle," but... What about the other fucking half? You can't fire a gun if all you've got is the damned barrel and trigger. The other half isn't even the desire to change things, to make them right. It's the ability to fucking do it. And I just...can't. No matter how hard I try, my brain simply refuses to say, "Oh, we should do things differently, like this instead of that!"
Let's move on, and talk about my acting since I brought that up before. Yeah, I act. I've been in three plays now, with varying roles. I was of the supporting cast in A Curious Savage, as Hannibal; that was with the school. I was Scrooge in A Christmas Carol; that was with the community Youth Theatre. Then I was Santoro, Moving Man (a rather tiny role, but it was still stage time, dangnabbit!) in Killing Jessica; again, with the school. But, Killing Jessica was...what, one, two years ago? What have I done since then? NOTHING. I always say, "Oh, I'll get around to looking at the Playhouse and seeing what they're offering." But...do I? Nope. Not once in almost TWO FUCKING YEARS. Why not, you ask? Because. Because I never do it. I sit here, wasting away in front of this damned computer, dicking around with useless endeavors rather than applying myself to what I'm good at.
I brought up gaming earlier too, didn't I? At least, game design. Okay, let's talk about that. What exaclty have I done, huh? Oh, wow, a stupid-ass, unnecessarily complicated and long-winded game, with a name and base system foundation that's not even original (which is fucking HILARIOUS when you consider the whole point of the game IS TO BE FUCKING ORIGINAL), that nobody really plays, right? I mean, seriously. The fucking thing has, what, maybe 20 views? If that!
Oh, let's not forget about my work on Kweeew! WHAT WORK!? Oh, wow, I copied the info of all the cards I made onto my computer! Let's throw a fucking parade, shall we? What good does that do anyone, if I don't bother to make the damned cards and put them online for download? And on top of that, it's yet another project I did (well, helped with, since Kweeew! actually belongs to a friend of mine and one of his friends) for free. ...Wow... That does me a whole lot of good. Yeah, sure, it's a part of my personal ideals about how the world should be that makes me believe entertainment should be free. Big fucking deal. IDEALS don't pay the bills, do they? HONOR doesn't fill my gut, does it? Nope. And I'm left penniless, while the rest of the world goes on its merry way not even bothering to look at what I sacrificed my future for.
OH, BUT WAIT! Daniel, the crowd whispers, what about Barrier? WHAT ABOUT IT? It'll never take off. Nothing I do ever does. If it did, I wouldn't BE ranting and raving right now, would I? But, seriously, let's go along and talk about Barrier, shall we? Who really wants to play a game based on a world where everyone seperates themselves from each other? A world where there is no comraderie, not even among your peers? Okay, maybe die-hard Vampire fans, but talking about how much that game sucks is an entirely different story. Let's get back to the point, shall we?
Okay, Barrier. Wonderful idea, suck-ass execution. Wait a minute-WHAT execution!? I haven't even finished it yet! It's just another in a long line of projects that I start, and then drop for other things. Yay for inability to finish anything! If I can't even finish something as meaningless as a game... How can I ever hope to sucessfully hold together a three-way relationship? :
Now let's talk about PERSONAL issues! Yay! ^^
Starting with my ethnicity. That always seems a good place to start while ranting. Let's start with the fact that I'm both white, and black. Oh, yeah, that helps. Shit pretty much kills any dream of a professional acting career in movies or television. People want straight-forward racial visages. They want straight niggers, chinks, crakers, and wetbacks. They don't want fucking MULLATO. They don't want cross-breeds, mutts. It "distracts from the movie experience." You're damn right it does. Nosy-ass bitches and asshats spend more time trying to figure out the ethnicity of the actors if it isn't directly apparent, rather than trying to enjoy the movie for the experience. I can think of, maybe two or three cross-breeds that made it big in Hollywood. And only one off the top of my head. Hallie Berry. And you know why she made a name for herself? BECAUSE SHE HAS TITS. Well, sorry to dissapoint you world, but I don't. Sometimes I wish I did. But it'll never happen. SO FUCK YOU.
Okay, moving onto my family. Ah, fucking paradise. My mother's a two-faced whore who's only concerned about who I talk to and what I admit to being because it might reflect badly on her (and, no, I'm NOT fucking kidding; she's said this right out in the open, with me in the room, no less...), rather than out of any concern about me. Well, alright, bitch. You wanna' have something that reflects badly on you? I'll give you something.
I'M A FUCKING PEDOPHILE.
I'M A FUCKING ZOOPHILE.
I'M A FUCKING FURRIE.
I'M FUCKING SPIRITUAL.
I REFUSE TO SUBMIT TO THE STEREOTYPES OF ANY POLITICAL PARTY.
And I'm damn proud of it, too, on all counts. I don't care what you think of me at this point; and that wasn't directed at her. That was directed to all of you reading this damn thing.
But this is directed at her. I don't care how much you hate me for what I am. I'm not going to change for the likes of you. Never. And I'm going to spend every breath left in my breast to fight for my right to be all of those things. To educate the masses against the stereotypes you know are false, but willingly cling to because it lets you feel superior to others.
And in the end, that's all that matters to her. She has to be right. She has to win. She has to come out on top. It doesn't matter who's right and who's wrong, if such dichotimies can be applied to ANYTHING. Even if you use fucking EVIDENCE, she'll just claim that the tudy was "slanted," "misquoted," or "unscientifc."
Moving quickly; My great-grandmother is a liberal conservative-nutjob (if that's even physically possible without imploding the universe), my grandmother's an intelligent vegetable, personality wise, who just wants to fade into obscurity with all of her Star Trek books; really, the only one I don't have a personal issue with is my step-father. But I still detest him somewhat, because of his association with my mother. Petty, I know, but hey; I guess that makes me petty.
FUCK. That felt good. Really, I'm just tired of playing the fucking island. I'm tired of having to hold all of this shit inside. I know I'd break if I tried to stuff any more down. So go ahead, call me emo. I really don't care. Because chances are, that if you really feel you have to resort to name calling, I'm twenty times a better person than you.
But even having gotten this all of my chest, I'm still stuck feeling like I'm in a rut. Oh well.
I've been feeling that for a while. I don't know quite how to describe it without sounding like the stereotypically emo or angsty teenager. It's like... Everything I've done up to this point, all of my so-called achievements; they're all meager. Not of it matters, because nothing I do leaves a mark. I've acted, I've written stories, I've even publishes my own game, albeit on a site dedicated to a meager portion of Earth's population. And yet, I'm still here.
And, where is here? I don't even know. It's nothing, exactly nothing; and that's the problem. I started nowhere, and that's exactly where I've stayed for the last 17 years. Despite my best efforts, my life up to this point amounts to, what? Nothing.
And I know I'm only 17, but... Almost everyone I know personally has done something with themselves by this point. They all found their "calling" in life, and have gotte themselves somewhere. Oh, sure, I found calling. But what has it gotten me? 17 years of being stuck in this rut, and 6 years of wasted time trying to accomplish the futile goal of making a name for myself. All of my friends know exactly what they want to do with their lives. Wrestling, game design, and verious other things. And they've been able to apply themselves to those ends, doing what needs to be done to fucking get there. But I can't. And it's not the Clinical Depression, or the ADHD. I've grown over that, grown into control of it. It's not a lack of acting upon motivation; it's the complete inability to develop motivation.
But that isn't even the end of it. Not only in the long run, but also in there here and now do my efforst amount to nothing. Let's look at the case of my mates,
maverickk and 
blueskyiies . I love them. I really, really do. I don't care if you think I'm too young to "know what love is," or to be sure about anything of that nature. I've never been this damned sure about anything in my entire life. I love them. But... It's like, our conversations are often the same thing over and over. Me saying, "Hey there babe, how are you," or something to that effect. Them responding in kind. And then just general babble that is absolutely meaningless. I never ask the really important questions, the ones that tell me who they are as people, rather than just the bundles of electrons that form the words I talk to, without provocation or prodding.I shouldn't fucking need to be prodded to do that! I shouldn't fucking need to be asked, "Hey, wanna' know something about me," to fucking ask! I just never think of asking unless given direction. That's pathetic, and shouldn't even be the case. And I know that they, whoever they are, always say, "Knowing is half the battle," but... What about the other fucking half? You can't fire a gun if all you've got is the damned barrel and trigger. The other half isn't even the desire to change things, to make them right. It's the ability to fucking do it. And I just...can't. No matter how hard I try, my brain simply refuses to say, "Oh, we should do things differently, like this instead of that!"
Let's move on, and talk about my acting since I brought that up before. Yeah, I act. I've been in three plays now, with varying roles. I was of the supporting cast in A Curious Savage, as Hannibal; that was with the school. I was Scrooge in A Christmas Carol; that was with the community Youth Theatre. Then I was Santoro, Moving Man (a rather tiny role, but it was still stage time, dangnabbit!) in Killing Jessica; again, with the school. But, Killing Jessica was...what, one, two years ago? What have I done since then? NOTHING. I always say, "Oh, I'll get around to looking at the Playhouse and seeing what they're offering." But...do I? Nope. Not once in almost TWO FUCKING YEARS. Why not, you ask? Because. Because I never do it. I sit here, wasting away in front of this damned computer, dicking around with useless endeavors rather than applying myself to what I'm good at.
I brought up gaming earlier too, didn't I? At least, game design. Okay, let's talk about that. What exaclty have I done, huh? Oh, wow, a stupid-ass, unnecessarily complicated and long-winded game, with a name and base system foundation that's not even original (which is fucking HILARIOUS when you consider the whole point of the game IS TO BE FUCKING ORIGINAL), that nobody really plays, right? I mean, seriously. The fucking thing has, what, maybe 20 views? If that!
Oh, let's not forget about my work on Kweeew! WHAT WORK!? Oh, wow, I copied the info of all the cards I made onto my computer! Let's throw a fucking parade, shall we? What good does that do anyone, if I don't bother to make the damned cards and put them online for download? And on top of that, it's yet another project I did (well, helped with, since Kweeew! actually belongs to a friend of mine and one of his friends) for free. ...Wow... That does me a whole lot of good. Yeah, sure, it's a part of my personal ideals about how the world should be that makes me believe entertainment should be free. Big fucking deal. IDEALS don't pay the bills, do they? HONOR doesn't fill my gut, does it? Nope. And I'm left penniless, while the rest of the world goes on its merry way not even bothering to look at what I sacrificed my future for.
OH, BUT WAIT! Daniel, the crowd whispers, what about Barrier? WHAT ABOUT IT? It'll never take off. Nothing I do ever does. If it did, I wouldn't BE ranting and raving right now, would I? But, seriously, let's go along and talk about Barrier, shall we? Who really wants to play a game based on a world where everyone seperates themselves from each other? A world where there is no comraderie, not even among your peers? Okay, maybe die-hard Vampire fans, but talking about how much that game sucks is an entirely different story. Let's get back to the point, shall we?
Okay, Barrier. Wonderful idea, suck-ass execution. Wait a minute-WHAT execution!? I haven't even finished it yet! It's just another in a long line of projects that I start, and then drop for other things. Yay for inability to finish anything! If I can't even finish something as meaningless as a game... How can I ever hope to sucessfully hold together a three-way relationship? :
Now let's talk about PERSONAL issues! Yay! ^^
Starting with my ethnicity. That always seems a good place to start while ranting. Let's start with the fact that I'm both white, and black. Oh, yeah, that helps. Shit pretty much kills any dream of a professional acting career in movies or television. People want straight-forward racial visages. They want straight niggers, chinks, crakers, and wetbacks. They don't want fucking MULLATO. They don't want cross-breeds, mutts. It "distracts from the movie experience." You're damn right it does. Nosy-ass bitches and asshats spend more time trying to figure out the ethnicity of the actors if it isn't directly apparent, rather than trying to enjoy the movie for the experience. I can think of, maybe two or three cross-breeds that made it big in Hollywood. And only one off the top of my head. Hallie Berry. And you know why she made a name for herself? BECAUSE SHE HAS TITS. Well, sorry to dissapoint you world, but I don't. Sometimes I wish I did. But it'll never happen. SO FUCK YOU.
Okay, moving onto my family. Ah, fucking paradise. My mother's a two-faced whore who's only concerned about who I talk to and what I admit to being because it might reflect badly on her (and, no, I'm NOT fucking kidding; she's said this right out in the open, with me in the room, no less...), rather than out of any concern about me. Well, alright, bitch. You wanna' have something that reflects badly on you? I'll give you something.
I'M A FUCKING PEDOPHILE.
I'M A FUCKING ZOOPHILE.
I'M A FUCKING FURRIE.
I'M FUCKING SPIRITUAL.
I REFUSE TO SUBMIT TO THE STEREOTYPES OF ANY POLITICAL PARTY.
And I'm damn proud of it, too, on all counts. I don't care what you think of me at this point; and that wasn't directed at her. That was directed to all of you reading this damn thing.
But this is directed at her. I don't care how much you hate me for what I am. I'm not going to change for the likes of you. Never. And I'm going to spend every breath left in my breast to fight for my right to be all of those things. To educate the masses against the stereotypes you know are false, but willingly cling to because it lets you feel superior to others.
And in the end, that's all that matters to her. She has to be right. She has to win. She has to come out on top. It doesn't matter who's right and who's wrong, if such dichotimies can be applied to ANYTHING. Even if you use fucking EVIDENCE, she'll just claim that the tudy was "slanted," "misquoted," or "unscientifc."
Moving quickly; My great-grandmother is a liberal conservative-nutjob (if that's even physically possible without imploding the universe), my grandmother's an intelligent vegetable, personality wise, who just wants to fade into obscurity with all of her Star Trek books; really, the only one I don't have a personal issue with is my step-father. But I still detest him somewhat, because of his association with my mother. Petty, I know, but hey; I guess that makes me petty.
FUCK. That felt good. Really, I'm just tired of playing the fucking island. I'm tired of having to hold all of this shit inside. I know I'd break if I tried to stuff any more down. So go ahead, call me emo. I really don't care. Because chances are, that if you really feel you have to resort to name calling, I'm twenty times a better person than you.
But even having gotten this all of my chest, I'm still stuck feeling like I'm in a rut. Oh well.
I did read the whole thing. So you know. Not just a little section. I'm trying to be a good person now... I hope it's working.
^^
It doesn't have to be organized religion or shadowed cults.
For that to make any sense, you have to understand that my mother is one of the most anti-religious people on the planet. If you believe in magick, you're immature. If you believe in gods, you're delluding yourself. It's as simple as that to her.
Where as I, on the other hand, am on the complete other end of the spectrum and believe in the validity and truth of ALL belief systems.
I think you can see what frction that causes.
*horsey hugs*
Heh. My dad is a strange case. He's not anti religion.. but he's atheist with christian overtones.
He doesn't believe in god...but he does the sign of the cross before dinner... whut?
And for aaaaaaaallll of that, I'm just glad you can stand up and scream it out. The more you talk about it the better it becomes, somehow. And for everyone who has thier calling, it can come at any time. Just be wary, sometimes several can hit you at once, and then you're fucked. XD