Where to start. Well, I guess I'll start with my relationship. Now, I've made no attempt to hide the fact that I'm a pedophile. By all Hells, I've said it enough times over on FA; it's even displayed right there on my artist's profile!

In the very few relationships I've ever had that I felt could actually go somewhere, that has been the most important point of contetion. The making or breaking point, as it were, to feed my inherent love of cliche. Unfortunately, I live in a part of the world where anything uncommon is considered to be unnatural. And anything unnatural, is wrong. Besides, who wants to be involved with a nasty, dirty, sick pedo? He's just using you to get at your younger sister or brother, after all! Right? *bitter laugh*

Oh, I kill myself sometimes. :roll:

Anyway, getting to the point. Obviously, I am both very afraid of, and very driven to, the point of bringing it up with whoever my SO('s) may/might be. Driven in the sense that, I realize that it is something that must be discussed if the relationship is going to mean anything. But afraid of being shown just how conditional love can really be these days.

So you can imagine how I felt when I realized that it was time to bring these things up with blueskyiies and Shin Maverick. To describe it seems almost impossible, but I will try.

First, think of that light, hallow feeling you get when you think about the person you love. That warm burning that courses through your veins, accompanied by the fluttering deep within your gut. But, imagine that there's a darker aspect to it; something acidic and undesirable. As if it were a very sour candy, coated with a sweet shelll; but this candy, you can't just put down and walk away from. What was that darker feeling, though? I suppose...terror. Seething self-loathing. Terror that I was about to alienate the two best things that have ever happened to me; terror that words like "monster," and "pervert" would stream from their lips readily enough. From most people, that would mean very little to me. After almost 4 years of it, you get used to being thought of only as the sick individual. But if those things should ever come for me, from them...

But one might ask, "It wasn't just terror you mentioned. You also said something about self-loathing. What about that?" Look into your past. Has there ever been anything about you that you hated so much, that burning disgust boiled your blood everytime you thought about it? Well, that's pretty much how it is with me, being a pedophile. But it isn't because I am a pedophile; that would be like hating myself because I'm a half-breed (IRL), or because I'm pansexual, or because I'd rather spend my time theorizing, rather than practicing. It's because of all the things associated with it. It's because I can love this group of people, but I can't do anything about it. Do you have any idea how maddening that can get? To be forced to stand by the sidelines, keeping everything about yourself squashed down into the darkest, dankest recess of your fetid heart you can find?

But it's more than that. Almost everyone around me takes great delight in trying to hurt me, slinging words like, "sicko," "abomination," "evil, twisted freak". All because of what I am, because of my thoughts alone. Yet the fact that I have done nothing to act upon those thoughts is, to these people...trivial information, at best. The fact that I spend every moment I can trying to help the people around me, despite every one of my outward declarations that I despise other people and their bullshit, is apparently just "cover". Me trying to "cover" the inherent evil of what I am, so that I can somehow manage to do things to little kids while no one's watching.

Now, some of you know how I personally feel about pedophilia, and what I think when it comes to the issue of consent. Well, three of you. Anyway, don't even get me started on what happens when that comes up. Then I stop being the evil monster, and the poor, deluded child who doesn't know enough about the world to know any better. As if. I could kick anyone's ass in a debate, hands-tied-the-Hells-down. But that's beside the point.

Moving on. Now that you've been flooded with barely relevant emoness, I'll get to what I'm trying to say. Well, I finally felt like in my relationship with blue and Maverick, like it was time to discuss that. perhaps I jumped the gun with Mae, because we've only known each other for about a month or two, but that bond of explicit trust has formed, at least on my side, that I share with Corey. In his case, I took a little longer than usual. This december, we'll have been together for about a year and a half. Granted, I asked them individually. Heh... I'm not that brave, people. XP

So I brought it up. First, since we are all furries, I kept it to that medium, asking questions like, "Is it an issue with you that I'm into cub stuff," and, "Is it an issue that I write it?" Once I'd gotten a no from them on both issues, I asked them something along the lines of, "Is it, or will it ever be, an issue that I publically acknowledge my belief that from age 11+, the act of having sex itself should not be a crime?" Well, for better or for worse, the answer from both of them was a variet of no. Effectively, they both said that they agree that it should be handled on a case-by-case basis; just like usual relationships are. Though, not necessarily in that many, or those specific, words.

Tch. One more hurdle passed. Only a lifetime's worth of more to go.

---

But, that was just on the Lovers part. You might be wondering, "Jynnx, you silly Unimouse, what about the friends and family part?"

Well, I posted a journal entry on FA a while ago. It dealt with a certain...defect of mine. I'm not going to go back into it now. It's not something I really like to talk about necessarily, and the entry is still there on FA if you're really that stalkerific. XD

But, getting serious. Sensei was one of those who I talked with about. And, the fact that she actually cares strikes me as funny, and odd. But, that sounds a little off, so let me delve a bit deeper into explaination.

On the first layer, it strikes me as funny. This is because, in my experience, people usually don't tend to care about me unless they're looking out for their next good fuck, if you'll forgive my crassness. Sure, I've got a circle of very close friends (and now blue and Maverick), who actively care without the desire to get into my pants, but they are a minority. So, the idea that someone can actually care out of concern and not be looking out for their sexual gratification is...not new, but alien to me.

On the second layer, a glaring problem with this strikes me as odd. It's the fact that... Someone I have never met in person, someone I have only begun talking wither over the last week or so (albeit, at great length), cares more about the situation then... My actual family. Especially my mother.

I don't know how many of you know this, but there is no love for me to lose when it comes to my mother. Long ago, she made it crystal clear that the only one she's really worried about is herself. As long as whatever I'm doing or going through won't come back to reflect negatively on her, both as a parent and a person, she couldn't care less. And that's not simple teenage angst talking, that's the truth. She's even said it aloud, though I don't think she knows I picked up on it. What I'm trying to say is, unless it can come back to bite her in the ass, I'm pretty much left to deal with my problems on my own.

I always hear shit like, "Blood is thicker than water." "You can trust in your family, for anything." Then, if that's the case, my mother needs to be put in the Guiness book of World Records for being the first women to biologically conceive and give birth to her adoptive child.

*shakes head*

Oh well. Only a year or two more of this two-faced crap, pretending to get along when I really can't stand her, and then everything will be so much better.

Pft. I'm done now.

No Love for the World,
Jynnx, the Unimouse.