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Follow Up
14 years ago
So... about my last journal...
I don't know what to say everyone. Everyone who replied with such kindness and concern... I thank you all for it, I really do. I really have to. I don't show my gratitude to the people that I know on the internet, I'm absolutely terrible at properly showing my appreciation for what you guys do for me. Expressing emotions has always been considered such a soft and weak thing to do... so I don't, unless I have to. But it must be said... it should be said. You guys deserve to hear what I think and what I believe when I'm not being spun around by an emotional tornado.
I do have friends. I know I do. So many of you guys really stepped up the other night, and I knew and could trust that you would. But the depressive side of my brain is retarded and delusional. It says these things, believes these things that are. not. me. Not me at all. I yelled at and insulted my best friend, I claimed openly that I had no friends... right to everyone's face (even hers), I participated in an activity that I've always found to be ridiculously pointless. I'm not myself when I get like that, and for that, for the things that I said that may have hurt or offended any of you, I am sincerely sorry. Because I do, I know that I do. I hurt you, I worry you. HollenHeist has been trying to reach out to me for ages and I've just... pushed her aside like an old newspaper. I see friends pop up in my Yahoo and I ignore them, set my status to invisible. I hide away where the depression can continue uncontested. And for this, I am sorry.
If there was a button I could press, a magic wand I could wave that could break that tidal wave of stupidity before it hit me, trust me, I would. But only proper medication can do that, and finding someone who will properly diagnose me is the slowest, longest, most trying up hill battle I've ever waged.
Until I can get a handle on this, or at least some diagnosis that isn't just "meh, something" so that I know how to fight it, I ask for your patience. I probably don't deserve it, but give me a chance anyway.
I know that I'm a good person under here. Underneath all of this, I can be fantastic. But it's just so obstructive and controlling... It takes dealing with. On your part more than mine. And I apologize for that.
For being so difficult. I'm sorry.
I don't know what to say everyone. Everyone who replied with such kindness and concern... I thank you all for it, I really do. I really have to. I don't show my gratitude to the people that I know on the internet, I'm absolutely terrible at properly showing my appreciation for what you guys do for me. Expressing emotions has always been considered such a soft and weak thing to do... so I don't, unless I have to. But it must be said... it should be said. You guys deserve to hear what I think and what I believe when I'm not being spun around by an emotional tornado.
I do have friends. I know I do. So many of you guys really stepped up the other night, and I knew and could trust that you would. But the depressive side of my brain is retarded and delusional. It says these things, believes these things that are. not. me. Not me at all. I yelled at and insulted my best friend, I claimed openly that I had no friends... right to everyone's face (even hers), I participated in an activity that I've always found to be ridiculously pointless. I'm not myself when I get like that, and for that, for the things that I said that may have hurt or offended any of you, I am sincerely sorry. Because I do, I know that I do. I hurt you, I worry you. HollenHeist has been trying to reach out to me for ages and I've just... pushed her aside like an old newspaper. I see friends pop up in my Yahoo and I ignore them, set my status to invisible. I hide away where the depression can continue uncontested. And for this, I am sorry.
If there was a button I could press, a magic wand I could wave that could break that tidal wave of stupidity before it hit me, trust me, I would. But only proper medication can do that, and finding someone who will properly diagnose me is the slowest, longest, most trying up hill battle I've ever waged.
Until I can get a handle on this, or at least some diagnosis that isn't just "meh, something" so that I know how to fight it, I ask for your patience. I probably don't deserve it, but give me a chance anyway.
I know that I'm a good person under here. Underneath all of this, I can be fantastic. But it's just so obstructive and controlling... It takes dealing with. On your part more than mine. And I apologize for that.
For being so difficult. I'm sorry.
That being said, you sound like you need something light-hearted to pull you out of the gloom. Want to art jam sometime?
Wish I could say something a bit more profound but I've never been able to do the words good unfortunately. But anyway, I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you!
You're not as difficult as you think, I've met worse who did not deserve my time but I know you deserve my friendship because like you said, you're a good person =)
Anyways, I do admire you writing these journals, I wouldn't do it even if it could save me xD
Glad that you're okay <3
It doesn't matter what the problem may me. I WILL listen and try to help.
I'll be praying for you, hun. I hope you get the help that you need.
It is a horrible and painful thing to endure, I'll be wishing you the best and keeping you in my thoughts. I've been there, and it can take an awful long time to crawl back out and right oneself, but you've got people who care and are willing to help.
I'll tell you, support is a huge part of getting out of depression. And you've got some wonderful people who really care about you.
I've got faith that you can get through this, I know you can.
I'm sorry I didn't comment on your last journal, I hadn't seen it before. But I most definitely would have. We random internet people aren't much but... We try to make you feel better as well as we are able.
Still, I'm sure most people here are patient and understanding enough (including myself) to know that you're troubled and wait for you to pull out of that muck you've been in.
Best fortunes to you, Jess. I hope you can allow people to get closer to you and worm at least part of the way from out of that depressive hole you seem stuck in.
Seriously though, I know exactly what you mean. There's like something snaps and, even though you tell yourself how things arent as they seem, you cant help but to feel that way, and then those who are the closest to you accidentally get hurt because of something you do/say for some reason unbeknownst to you.
You really hope its not who your becoming because you loved who you used to be and the times you all had. Everyone's struggle is different, but I can offer you these two links that may give you some courage or inspiration
http://yasminthefilmmaker.blogspot......-you-feed.html
And this may seem like a joke at first, but listen to her lyrics, they're very good and have helped me a lot of times, no matter what "the Dream" is. Whether its a goal, project, job offer, or keeping a friend
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NG2zyeVRcbs
Just a suggestion from a stranger -- I always encourage people to not be afraid to seek help. I believe that it would help a lot of people with otherwise undiagnosed problems -- the biggest real problem is that very few people that need help, will seek it out. At the very least, look for a therapist, or a school counselor if you go to school, and see what they suggest.
I’d be happy to hang out on X-Box but I won’t be able to for at least two months. We ended up having to sell the consol for money… Funds are running tight over here; may be buying a new one in a month or two. I do have Skype though, no AIM or MSN- both programs cause problems with my laptop but hey, I’m open for communication.
~ Wishing you the best.