So I've done something awful, I guess to sum it up I was with someone and they had another guy. It broke me, it hard to love someone and then realize you were nowhere near good enough. I felt such hatred, something I never felt before, I felt like all my fears and insecurities we're validated in the most painful way.

Then sometime after I was sick and emotionally destroyed, my anxiety and fears were beyond me. So in that time of weakness I talked to him again...I talked to the person who was my close friend and special someone. It was great to let it go, and to talk with him and play games and stuff. But after a bit I felt disgusted in myself. I realized that I could not let go of those last feelings...the love , the hate, everything. So yesterday I unfollowed him on all social media, gaming things, everything. I broke it off, and in the end I realized that he really was just pitying me. He felt some sort of guilt for how things happened.

In the end what hurts the most is I know this choice will not make me happy, quite the opposite, but it is also that it all felt good. It felt like I was getting some revenge, I was fighting back in some pathetic way. It felt good to hurt him, or even attempt to, I'm not the kind of person that feels that way. The reality though is, I'm a fucking loser, he has a great boyfriend who is far better than me in every way, he is happier without me and that I am a disgusting broken wretch.

It's a hard pill to swallow, but it's mine .