I pretty spend most of my days now working on school our at my job or housework and find that nothing makes me feel even decent for more than a few moments at a time. I jump back and forth between hating everyone and feeling an intense amount of jealous to people who are happy or have healthy friendships or relationships or people who others want to be around. I can't do those kinds of things that are pretty much innate in most people. I'm honestly just disgusted with myself but no amount of therapy and too much pride to sedate my issues away leave me just with nothing. Everyone has to ask themselves what do they want and life and where do you see yourself in the future, for it just means suffering. I have no real positive outlook for my life in any meaningful way, regardless if or when i graduate and go into teaching, all the money or good i do for those kids will not change my life. I kind have nothing to stand on and the reality that people seem to always do better when im not around doesn't help.

Is it strength to find a way to accept that life will always be nothing ? Is it bravery to accept a terrible fate ? This is pretty much how I exist now, going through the motions and wanting to have hope but life making it impossible to believe. All of the good things in life that people take for granted I indulge within the fiction I write, because life isn't fair and for some that is the only way they can even get close to feeling human. At this point im just rambling like a drunken old man reminiscing of days long since blurred with delusional nostalgia. Sometimes you just have to let out , write it out and set it free, but with no solutions things will return back to me far too soon.